Just two days left to apply to your dream job: personal assistant to lunatic screenwriter

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Sounds like you’ll basically be working for W.P. Mayhew, but he has kids. Oh…oh god.

True story: After I quit my first job here, one that had me on the track to be flack for some New York politico or another, people asked me what I’d do, and I’d say I was working on a screenplay. It wasn’t very good. But still, I soldiered on, because I didn’t know any better. If only this job to be a personal assistant for a successful screenwriter had been around, I could have learned the ravages that Hollywood wreaks on people. But you can learn that firsthand if you get this job.

Now, we can’t legally say with any certainty that the person you’d be working for is an actual certified lunatic. But we can promise you, based on the job listing that your job will be thankless and horrible, but at least you’ll meet celebrities sometimes. The job listing is clearly written by a professional though, the job duties filled with zingers like “lying on my behalf when I am running late for meetings,” “Telling my agent/manager I am sick when deadlines are looming,” “Supervising second grade homework duties and mind-numbing SpongeBob art projects” and “Sitting in on producer meetings, taking notes, and pretending that their opinions are valid.”

Despite the cynicism that the post is dripping with, the description seems pretty legit, since our mystery screenwriter will ask you to help her with research and write treatments and character descriptions. Whether learning “what it’s REALLY like to live the life of a someone in the film industry” is worth $50 per week for 15 hours of work on the Upper East Side is up to you. Don’t dawdle too long though, the deadline to apply is Friday. But take it from me, your screenplay probably isn’t going anywhere, so there are worse things you could do than this job.

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  1. I wonder if he’ll help me with my screenplay pitch: “Screenwriter’s babysitter kills screenwriter by stuffing Sponge Bob doll down throat and kidnaps screenwriter’s kid.” Too wordy?

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