Are you tired of not leaving a lasting impression during your brunching endeavors? Are you looking to up your game from needy customer to full-blown sadist?
Greetings, and welcome to Pissing Off Your Brunch Waitress 101! I’m Hope, your attentive, friendly, ~attractive~ waitress. I’ve worked at a popular Cajun brunch spot in Crown Heights for about seven months now, and I’m here today to school you on techniques for ruining my entire shift. Within minutes of you exhibiting any of the behavior below, I’ll know that you’re out for blood (and I’m talking about my blood, because I just told you that we don’t serve Bottomless Bloody Mary’s).
By following my simple instructions, you’ll find yourself reaching levels of brunch assholery you never dreamt possible. I’m great at my job, but after dealing with you, I’ll start to doubt it. In just 11 easy steps, you’ll harness the power of making me cry at my service station as I beg the bartender for a shot to numb my pain. You’ll learn how to make me regret becoming a waitress so I that I would have time to “pursue acting.” And if you practice diligently, our brunch interaction might even inspire me to quit and look for a desk job instead.
1. Show up early and begin pulling on the door which, unfortunately for you, will be locked. Start knocking on the window and aggressively gesture for me to come over and reassure you that we do in fact open at 11 AM. This is guaranteed a dramatic eye-roll, and sets the mood for my day.
2. Order coffee and ask in advance for extra cream and extra sugar. I’m no barista, but the drink will definitely taste better if it’s 10% coffee, 30% sugar, and 60% creamer. When I’m not running back and forth between other customers, be sure wave me down for refills (they’re free!) every five minutes.
3. Do you want Absinthe, but you’ve never tried it before? Superb! Try new things! But don’t listen to my rambling on and on how it tastes like black licorice, because only the French could enjoy the taste of poisonous roots while they were tripping balls! You’re feeling “adventurous!” You’ve seen Moulin Rouge! You like tripping balls! After you take your first sip, comment “I didn’t realize you were serious about the black licorice!” and make everyone else at the table take a sip so they can also comment on it. Half the drink will be gone by now, but no one will actually like it, so express how you’d like it taken off the bill.
4. Piss your toddler off (and us) by waking him up from his nap and dragging him and the hubby to brunch. Become pissed off at yourself when I tell you we don’t have any high chairs. Once seated, proceed to complain about how we don’t have a kid’s menu. You are currently the best form of birth control in my life.
5. Tell me you want your eggs “how mom used to make them” and give me absolutely nothing else to go on. Send them back to the kitchen immediately when they come out because we both know they’re not going to cut it.
6. Physically grab me to get my attention. Bonus points if you do it while I’m carrying a full tray of drinks or four hot plates of food. I will literally drop everything for you. On your head.
7. You got pancakes, and you are freaking the fuck out. Show me how excited you are by spreading your joy of maple syrup everywhere including the table, you, your partner, the floor, the dog outside, and myself. Make everything as sticky as you can. Bonus points if you complain about how soggy your pancakes are to me and demand new ones.
8. You’ve done it! You’ve enjoyed a delicious meal, the company was splendid; your server was attentive, pleasing to the eye, and hilarious. Brunch wouldn’t have been anything without her! Now take that pen and credit card slip and draw a big ol’ zero with a line through it (because I can’t read) in order to take a stand on how servers should be paid higher wages. You’re not a bank or my boss, so why should you be giving me money? Shake your fist at the economy, etc. Then smile, say “thank you” on your way out. I’ll close out the check 15 minutes later and down a fifth of tequila AYE.
9. Remain seated for an additional 15 minutes after finishing your drinks and paying. Ignore the line out the door because you waited just like them. And you need a good sit before you walk two blocks to your apartment to take a mid-afternoon nap. I feel you, because I need a good sit myself (but I’ll just hide in the bathroom).
10. It’s brunch on a Sunday, and you want to drink (I want to drink too, maybe we’re both still drunk from last night)! But it’s only 11:30, and the law says we can’t serve alcohol until 12 (Update: This law finally changed in June! Hooray!). So have me take your drink order in advance! Because we do this for the whole restaurant, your drink won’t make it to the table until 12:15. By this point I’ve “wasted your time,” so make sure to tell me that you want the drink taken off the bill.
11. Make inappropriate comments toward me and my coworkers whenever you deem fit. Tell me that if the food doesn’t come out quicker, you’re going to have to eat me instead. Tell my hot food runner you want a “side of his chest hair” when he asks if you need anything else while clearing your plates. Comment on how pale my legs are, or how the color of my lipstick is turning you on. Make me so uncomfortable that I will not want to come back your table even though we both know I have to. Don’t worry, all I can do is smile. Because you’re the customer, and I cannot physically or verbally assault you while I’m on the clock.
Happy brunching! Go for the gold, asshole!
Note: I beg you never, ever to be this terrible of person to a brunch server, or any server in general. Treat us like the hard workers we are. We are the providers of the best-loved boozy weekend meal between breakfast and lunch, which also means we don’t have the luxury of going to brunch ourselves. So bless us with patience, a lot of smiles, a lot of thank you’s, and a hefty tip. Especially on Sundays. God is watching.
Follow Hope when she’s off the clock: @HavingHope14