How hipster is YOUR bank? The FDIC’s official rankings

Look at these fucking bankers. via Behind the Hustle
Look at these fucking bankers. via Behind the Hustle

Business Insider reports today:

Goldman Sachs is becoming the most hipster bank of Wall Street.


If you haven’t noticed, the investment banking giant has been involved in several cool projects in Brooklyn. The latest one Goldman has been involved with is the revitalization of the Brooklyn Navy Yard, which The Gothamist recently identified the next neighborhood hipsters will want to take over.

But you don’t have to read Business Insider or “The Gothamist;” we have obtained a copy of the FDIC’s definitive ranking of the most hipster banks. Where does yours rank?

11. Bear Sterns

Gone too soon, just like Neutral Milk Hotel

10.Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC)

Will talk your ear off about it’s Asian girlfriend if it corners you. WE GET IT, BRO

9. Capital One Bank

Got Jack Donaghy to be celebrity spokesman; frequent use of vikings in commercials prove it is beard-friendly. Also constantly judging you based on what’s in your wallet.

8. Charles Schwab

Want to talk to Chuck? Well you can only do it through their iPhone app. Damn, that’s so cool it’s ice cold.

7. Wells Fargo

Transplants: Started in the midwest, but now have branches in Brooklyn, acting like they’ve never lived anywhere else; affinity for Coen Brothers films.

6. Citibank

Partners of New York’s less mainstream baseball team, the New York Mets. Also, famously “bailed out” from their horrible binges by their parents the government.

5. Barclays

Friend of Jay-Z, acceptable hipster-hopper. Gentrified Brooklyn so hard motherfuckers wanted to change the name of a subway station.

4. TD Waterhouse

Make it easy to cash in the change you find in your couch cushions to buy some more PBR instead of getting a real job.

3. USAA Bank

Too cool for branches; speakeasy-like hidden deposit locations such as the basement of the Times Square Toys R Us. It’s only making you go there because it hates it.

2. Chase

Been banking since before it went all mainstream; can trace roots back to NYC og Alexander Hamilton. Puts ATMs in Duane Reades, whose growler-friendly outpost on Bedford Avenue is a well-documented hipster trap.

1. Goldman Sachs

More like Lloyd Beardfein, amirite? Photo by Joshua Roberts for Reuters
More like Lloyd Beard-is-fine, amirite? Photo by Joshua Roberts for Reuters

CEO Lloyd Blankfein grew up in the Linden House projects in Brooklyn, now has beard; Friend to the Flea, friend to the Navy Yard, financing housing in Williamsburg. Responsible for the thing hipsters love most: Causing bros to fail. Lehman Bros, to be specific.

Jokes and jokes and jokes by David Colon, Conal Darcy, Tim Donnelly and Eric Silver

One Response to

Leave a Reply