Goddamn, even Mountain Dew is an artisan craft soda now

Hello, millennials who are wisely spending their parents’ retirement money on fantastical futuristic gadgets from the Apple Corporation and Caleb Kola (a sugary carbonated beverage in NO WAY affiliated with PepsiCo)! Looking forward to spring’s annual carnival of flesh and trading sexual partners, but only ones who value the concept of consent and never pressure their partners into doing something they don’t want to do?

While you’re busy living your party life, be sure you don’t die of thirst (a leading cause of cool and popular young people), which can be prevented by picking up a four pack of Dewshine, a new totally natural, totally hip craft soda that isn’t mass-produced sugar water like that gross Mountain Dew stuff. Tony Hawk!

Just when we got to hoping that Brands were ready to join Budweiser in helping to mock the artisan movement back down to a manageable size, it looks like big soda is insisting that they’re totally down with this small batch thing. So Mountain Dew now has a faux-artisan version of itself that’s clear instead of neon green, comes in packaging that’s supposed to look more expensive and is full of dangerous amounts of sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup. That high-fructose corn syrup shit is for your DAD.

USA Today reports that there’s controversy though. No, it’s not that people care about yet another giant Brand trying to co-opt a method of making products that goes beyond just saying they made it with love. Instead, some killjoys out there are angry that the Dewshine bottles look like craft beer bottles. Oh, okay guys. Given this news, we’d say to look for 60 Minute Surge on Whole Foods shelves by this summer.

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