You may have missed it this weekend, but via Gothamist comes the news that billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch paid a visit to the Williamsburg offices of Vice. Both Vice and News Corp were tight lipped about why the visit happened and why Rupe has taken a sudden interest in the ur-hipsters, but thinking about it for even a couple seconds leads to the obvious answer: News Corp is buying Vice and merging it with Fox News. It makes a ton of sense, given that Fox News’ demographic is set to die out like so many hate-filled dinosaurs and Vice really speaks to the Youngs. We have some predictions on what a this beautifully weird marriage could look like.
-Greta van Susteren begins to anchor topless.
-Shepard Smith takes to airing live suicides on purpose.
–Wolverines signed to Vice Records
-Rupe is called a coward by staffer for refusing to smoke bath salts, relents and is rushed to the hospital.
-Cat Marnell replaces Gretchen Carlson on Fox and Friends, gets Steve Doocy hooked on Adderall. Carlson re-assigned to The Girls Reporter’s Porn Report, suffers immediate nervous breakdown.
–Rob Delaney replaced with Dennis Miller on Vice.com
-Sean Hannity gets full coverage back tattoo of Reagan and Jesus back-to-back with their arms crossed
–NSFW vertical fully censored to appease American Family Association
-Bill O’Reilly develops terrible coke habit, gets nosebleeds live on air
-Travel pieces about horrible foreign civil wars replaced with videos about traveling to places to appreciate American heritage
-Geraldo buys a bunch of flannels and suddenly that ridiculous mustache makes sense
–All negative references to Paul Ryan disappeared
-No one watches Red Eye, but what else is new?
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Vice is actually very conservative/misogynistic, so this merger makes sense.