Now Hiring in BK: Pot consultant, HBO actor and more

CBGB needs a recipe consultant to tell them, "More weed in this cookie. Or less maybe? I'm high as hell man."
CBGB needs a recipe consultant to tell them, “More weed in this cookie. Or less maybe? I’m high as hell man.”

Spring is here! I can tell that because it’s been raining instead of snowing. Spring means new and better things are coming, both in terms of foliage, and now, occupation, since we’ve found a bunch of new jobs that will help you cruise all the way to summer in style:

Alright, welcome to the brave new world: CBGB, which, apparently, still exists without its brick-and-mortar location, is looking to hire a Recipe Consultant for, I kid you not, their new line of branded edibles. That’s right, CBGB is getting into the marijuana foodstuffs business. And they want you to be the face of it. Let that sit a second. So, can you write recipes? Can you speak well on camera? Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop, you know.

MakerBot Industries, home of the desktop 3D printer and ender of modern capitalism as we know it, is looking for a Productor to work in their Sunset Park factory and help them assemble Makerbots so that people can make action figures of whatever they want and I guess other, more useful stuff as well. If you’ve got a combination of building skills and computer knowledge, this is definitely the place for you. It all begs the question, though, can’t they just 3D print their 3D printers?

The New York Post is looking for a Social Media Producer to make their social media “sparkle,” ideally with some Photoshop skills and more than a few Twitter followers. This job would mean staying ahead of a lot of news, too, so if you just found out they can’t find that plane, maybe this isn’t for you. But, if your social media game is going viral and you can manage a Facebook account with the best of them, try out and see if you can post for the Post.

Do you love slushies? Like, to an inappropriate degree? Share your passion by becoming the new Sales Representative for Kelvin Natural Slush Co. They are looking for an upstanding individual to help them get into the alcoholic slush game, so if you can talk me into getting another margarita, feel free to apply. Oh, okay, I’ll have one more.

Do Or Dine, aka those weirdos/geniuses who created the Foie Gras Donut, among many other culinary innovations, are looking for a Marketing and PR guru to guide them into social media nirvana. Yes, that’s right, all those comedians who mocked you for instagramming your food before you take a bite are officially proven wrong. If you think you’re up to snuff, feel free to let them know exactly why you’re a doer and not a…diner?

If people are often telling you how “together” you have it, not counting the “not-having-a-job” thing, and how you should be hanging around more celebrities, then you should try being a Personal Assistant for this mysterious HBO actor on Craigslist. Since they’re on an HBO show, so you could possibly end up an honorary Targaryen? Either way, you would be in charge of running their life, so that means you can finally get Matthew McConaughey to come to your birthday party, since you drunkenly bragged that he would that one time in December.

If you’re looking to break into the sexy, dark, dangerous world of…books, well here’s your chance! Trident Media Group is looking for a Literary Assistant to help out with the day-to-day, which may or may not include writing rejection letters, so if you like crushing people’s dreams, hey, all the better! Just make sure to proof-read your cover letter very, very carefully.

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