How are you planning on spending your Christmas if you’re here in Brooklyn? A solemn day at church? A meal with loved ones or some kind of Christmas orphan party? Hanging out in adult onesie all day? There’s so many options and we don’t want to overwhelm you, but we feel it’s our journalistic duty to let you know that you can see The Interview, 2014’s most exhausting and ridiculous free speech fight, tomorrow in Williamsburg if that’s really what you want to do.
Williamsburg Cinemas, which we’ll hasten to say we’re fans of, will be showing the “Guh let’s talk about dicks and then blow up Kim Jong-Un” movie that inexplicably became an international flashpoint in what we better not find out was a fucking viral marketing scheme at 12:10pm and 10:20pm tomorrow, on Christmas Day.
Just look at this fucking movie. We feel like the hackers were doing Sony a favor by trying to stop them from releasing what looks like a ridiculous bomb that just rehashes the same vain idiot James Franco plays in every comedy and was pretty much run into the ground in This Is The End. Can you believe Seth Rogen has to hide something in his…his BUTT??? Good lord, where do they come up with this stuff? And not to belabor how bad this movie looks, but if Kim Jong-Un dies in a fiery helicopter explosion after his ride gets hit by a missile, as was first reported by Defamer, what’s the point of all the subtlety and planning that comes before it? Nothing makes any fucking sense.
Whatever you do, please don’t see the movie under the guise of “standing up for free speech” or “sticking it to North Korea,” because that’s not what’s happening here. Do not tell your children you made a brave decision in the face of danger, maybe even don’t tell them you saw this at all. Shit, just stay home and rent Hot Shots! Part Deux on GooglePlay, since it’ll cost you only $2.99 instead of $11 for a great movie where a bad man from a foreign country gets killed at the end. We’ll leave it to hero of our age, @DarkSkintDostoyevsky, to sum up what a ridiculous situation this has become:
Seeing a Seth Rogan film is now an act of “patriotism”. My GOD 2014 is not going down without a fight.
— DarkSkintDostoyevsky (@daniecal) December 24, 2014
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um I’m not listening to a Twitter person who is among the surprising amount of people who don’t know how to spell “Rogen.” IT’S FIVE LETTERS PEOPLE, TIGHTEN UP.