When it comes to dating in Brooklyn, sure, we’ve heard groans from both sides of the equation. Women are disappointed, and men are also disappointed, and we are all just wading through a peed-in kiddie-pool of our own deflated libidos. But let’s be honest here, okay? It’s really the dudes in Brooklyn who make this shit downright insufferable—what with their insistence they know more than you in any given subject and their strange compulsion to make everything by hand.
What’s a girl to do if she’s actually in a relationship with one of these men? How can she know when to call it off? Not to fear, folks. We bring you hope in the form of “Brooklyn Dealbreakers.” What is it? It’s a list. It’s a device small enough to fit in your wristlet on any romantic occasion. It’s a guide to recognizing the douchebags who walk among us.
BROOKLYN DEALBREAKERS
Reasons to Dump a Man in Brooklyn
1. His homebrew tastes bad.
He begrudgingly lets you take home a few bottles of his small-batch session ale, and you share it proudly among your friends— only to discover that it tastes like juniper-infused cat pee. DEALBREAKER.
2. He refuses to compost.
Even though he lives in one of the borough’s pilot compost areas, you watch him throw at least 2-3 banana peels into the wrong bin every day. Who even eats that many bananas, anyway? DEALBREAKER.
3. His yoga mat doubles as his bath mat.
He douses it with sweaty Warrior 2 tears at YTTP, then immediately proceeds to use its anti-slippage grip in the shower. DEALBREAKER.
4. He has a bike, but also paid for a Citibike membership, “just in case.”
And now he’ll occasionally ditch you on your trip home together for a Citibike, claiming that he’s feeling “nomadic”. DEALBREAKER.
5. He thinks oatmeal tastes like “Motherfucking baby food.”
And don’t even get him started about almond milk. DEALBREAKER.
6. He leaves after the first set at a music festival because he says he’s “got his money’s worth.”
“But Jack white doesn’t go on until 9,” he said to you at 2pm at Governors Ball on a Saturday. DEALBREAKER.
7. He’ll only meet you somewhere off the L train.
You try to explain to him that you live in Flatbush, and he gently insists that “you can always come to Williamsburg, whenever you want.” DEALBREAKER.
8. He calls himself an artist but really he’s in advertising.
He told you he was having an opening, and you went— not realizing he meant “an opening between board meetings, if you wanna do a quick power lunch at Sushi Tatsu.” DEALBREAKER.
9. He thinks the 5-second rule is “pushing it.”
But is somehow okay with drinking someone else’s half-empty PBR at a party. DEALBREAKER.
10. His daily workout routine consists only of $35 classes SoulCycle and/or CrossFit.
And he makes fun of you for “wasting your money” on a Planet Fitness membership. DEALBREAKER.
11. He won’t eat your cookies if you put flax seeds in them.
He was seriously going to eat all of them. Until you mentioned the flax seeds. DEALBREAKER.
12. He smokes cigars in public.
And scoffs audibly when they won’t let him light up on the rooftop of the Gowanus Whole Foods. DEALBREAKER.
13. He ‘grams the kids who do showtime and adds “#Brooklyn.”
#regram #tbt #sytycd #citibike #yolo. #DEALBREAKER.
14. He likes to wear clothes with animals on them but only if the animal is/resembles a wolf.
When you ask him about this, he defensively accuses you of only wearing clothes with patterns on them. DEALBREAKER.
Follow Sam for more dating advice at @ahoysamantha
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15. His Beemer fell off the shelf.
16. His roomate.
17. His internship ended.
18. He isn’t artisnal enough.
19. His jeans are too small for you.
20. Because he’s (still) there.
As a born and raised Brooklynite, this garbage article and possibly more so, the fact that people exist in my hometown now to inspire such an article, makes me want to napalm all of Williamsburg and the hipster trash that call it home these days. Christ, composting? Home brew sucks? Die.
I second what Ryan said.