One of the benefits of brokedom in BK is that we have intimate knowledge of the taste and texture of Pabst Blue Ribbon, that ubiquitous lager of dubious award-winning credentials. It is the default option at many a bar due to its bottomed-out price, and its inescapable association with those lovable, huggable hipsters (because who doesn’t want to be lumped in with this guy?).
But we know you want more out of the world than just one can. And so it’s time to break free from those blue ribbons and embrace a post PBR-era. And there are plenty of other low-cost options.
This we determined by slogging through them, one by one. With low budgets and thirsty gullets, we set out to answer the question: when it comes to the bottom-of-the-cost-ladder beers out there, which ones are the best?
Our approach was academic—we collected a representative sample of 13 of the cheapest brews (we’re saving malt liquor for a future panel) available in Brooklyn and put them before a panel of eight diverse, educated (and mostly financially challenged) beer drinkers to blind taste test our way through this watery, gassy, mess. All beer prices are from the Thrifty Beverage Center at 990 McDonald Ave., unless otherwise indicated.
Our eight-member panel consisted of a beer industry expert (Ryan Clement, who manages the beer section at Trader Joe’s Brooklyn), a home brewer, a budget conscious journalist (holla!), several beer enthusiasts, a guy who only had his first beer a year ago and one person representing the very important “female” demographic. We ranked each beer on a 10-point scale in terms of taste, appearance, overall quality and drinkability, a word we’re pretty sure was made up for Bud Light ads. We’ve also standardized the per-ounce price for ease of comparison.
Ryan (beer section manager): “I can taste some level of quality control in this beer.”
Curtis (enthusiast): “Most complex so far (not saying much).”
James (home brewer): Sharp, great bitter that lingers and keeps me interested. Sweet smell.”
Dave (enthusiast): “You’ll be the most sophisticated looking guy at the frat party.”
$22.99 for 36-pack ($0.05 per oz)
James: “Well-rounded sweetness.”
Curtis: “Tastes like old style. Good associations.”
Tim (me): “A nutty concoction that would taste good with Thanksgiving dinner.”
HONORABLE MENTION #1
Overall score: 5.5
$13.99 per 12-pack ($0.10 per oz)
The panel gave Modelo a modest overall score, but still chose it as their second favorite in a final round of voting. It got props for its “back of the tongue bitter” taste, its pleasing amber color and smooth drinkability.
Robin (female): “This tastes like Gowanus Yacht Club.”
Jeremy (enthusiast): “More complex flavor. Possibly made with actual hops.”
Dave: “No crap after taste.”
Overall score: 5.9
$3.99 per 6-pack: ($0.06 per oz) only available at Trader Joe’s
This high-alcohol content (6.2 percent) lager has been an increasingly common site around the borough since it appeared on Trader Joe’s shelves last winter. With a flavor our panel, not unkindly, described as “tastes like beer” and “reminds me of grandpa,” it’s a serviceable beverage a few lunges above swill at an indisputably recession-friendly price. (Full disclosure: seven out of the eight members of the beer panel are currently or have recently been employees of Trader Joe’s.)
Noah (had his first beer last year): “I like this beer.”
Overall score: 3.0
$21.99 per 24-pack ($0.08 per oz)
In the biggest shocker of our blind taste test, our panel learned that, bereft of its alluring red can (and optional lime garnish), everyone absolutely despised Tecate. This was true even for Ryan, previously a Tecate fan, who brought this entry to our competition and even cracked one open as an appetizer before the tasting began. His comments: “Words cannot describe how much I hate this one. I would pay $0 for it.” The poor Tecate was also maligned for its bad aftertaste, wretched odor and weak flavor.
THE UGLIEST (Lowest appearance score)
James: “Too light for me. Not enough bitter action nor lingering flavor.”
Curtis: “Looks like Diet Beer. Tastes like Diet Beer. Fuck Diet Beer.”
Ryan: “I actually smell something other than cheapness in this. Metal?”
Overall score: 4.82$13.99 for 30-pack ($0.04 per oz.)
Curtis: “May be the crispest so far. Also, it sucks.”
Overall score: 4.98
$13.99 for 30-pack ($0.04 per oz.)
Tim: “Reminds me of the drowning face of a sad hobo.”
Miller High Life
Overall score: 5.95
$12.99 for 30-pack ($0.04 per oz.)
James: “The flavor is gone in the time it took me to bitch about it.”
Overall score: 4.13
$1.75 for 22 oz ($0.08 per oz)*
Curtis: “Could be more boring.”
Miller Genuine Draft
Overall score: 4.44
$16.99 for 30-pack ($0.05 per oz)
$22.99 for 36-pack ($0.05 per oz)
Jeremy: “It’s all blending together at this point.”