$3 ATMs, toe shoes and 10 other things Bloomberg should ban

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‘Nanny Bloomberg,’ courtesy of the Center for Consumer Freedom

BK foodies can breathe a sigh of pasturesmithed relief that our BLT-lovin’ Nanny Bloomberg isn’t banning bacon or mayo next. But what’s next on the mayoral hit list, now that Big Gulps are heading the way of smoking sections and transfats?  Some of our own humble suggestions, and the science to back them up:

1. Flip flops on the subway
Science: Will reduce exposure to unidentified liquids, which may include the vomit produced when people look at your grody feet.

2. Four-cheese pizza (max 2 cheeses on any one pizza inc. one low fat)
Science: The National Institutes of Health has concluded: Two cheeses, no diseases!

3. Five-finger toe shoes
Science: Researchers fear increased popularity will lead to a steep decline in new births.

4. Emailing after midnight
Science: Late-night communiqués often contain inadvisable emotional content.

5. Mixology classes
Science: Nine out of 10 bartending school grads go on to calling numbers on work-at-home flyers.

6.  Rainbow sprinkles
Science: Can increase juvenile demand for and consumption of Mr. Softees by up to 47 percent.

7. Spanx
Science: Spanx can lull wearer into misperceived sense of thinness, ordering four-cheese pizza.

8. Taxi cab air fresheners
Science: Air fresheners provide an excess of the FDA’s recommended daily amount of artificial pine.

9. Taking photos with iPads
Science: 90 percent of all tablet-related face smashes are caused by this.

10. Face eating
Science: For the zombie community, over-indulgent face-eating is the No. 1 source of weight gaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnns.

11. ATM fees of $3 or more.
Science: Research shows $3 ATM fees lead to a 100 percent increase in shopkeepers being requested to go fuck themselves.

12. Any event with the suffix “-pocalypse” or “-mageddon.”
Science:  Overuse of world-ending event titles will make population under-prepared for actual doomsday scenario predicted for the day before Bloomberg’s term expires.

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10 COMMENTS

  1. AMEN to #1. Although I think the correct spelling is “grody,” as in “why do people with grody feet always start wearing flip flops in March?”

  2. Seriously, though… whoever wrote this article should be hired full time… this is the most hilarious post I’ve read yet!

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