In this very special Thanksgiving episode, Caroline and Max make mad tips, convince Han to keep the diner open to feed the homeless and Caroline starts to grow a backbone; which is about damn time! Things seem to be going pretty swimmingly. But THEN (dun dun DUHN): Caroline accidentally breaks Max’s mixer. It’s seems though Caroline is getting tougher, she’s still just a rich dumb blonde. When they go to a department store to buy a new one and realize they can’t afford it, they decide to get jobs as Santa’s elves. Hijinx and zingers (too many zingers?) and all the vagina jokes you could hope for ensue!
KEEPING IT REAL
Tip to the Holidays
The show opens with Max and Caroline counting their massive amount of tips they got before Thanksgiving. As a waitress, yes, people have been tipping me well, but there have been FEWER people, unfortunately. But that’s probably because they’re all buying cheap food at a run down diner with fake wood paneling instead.
Max says: “Well don’t get used to it. Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardasian’s legs after the wedding check cleared.” True! But writers, you might want to cut down that set up a bit. It sounded like Max had Cisco Adler’s balls in her mouth. ZING!
“So much Jewish holidays, I don’t have time to Wikipedia them all.”
Han’s lines are the worst, and I have trouble just transcribing them. But yes, Han, there are a ton of Jewish holidays. I know this from the amount of times I’ve not had to move my car, been offered candles and asked been asked by grown men to shake their lulav.
Leaves in Brooklyn
After Caroline describes her perfect Thanksgiving memory (feeding the homeless at the Waldorf Astoria, of course!) Max tells hers: jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom. If I could find enough leaves in Brooklyn to make a pile big enough to jump in, I’m sure there would not only be a condom, but McDonald’s wrappers, chicken bones, a stolen purse, a dead rat and a woman selling cinnamon sticks in there.
Cigarettes
When Caroline and Max suggest Han leave the diner open to feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, Han says it will cost too much money. At that point Oleg pulls out a wad of cash to pay for the dinner. The crew is baffled, where did a cook at a diner get so much money?! “I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to school kids in New York. It is a good profit.” It is! They are cheaper there!
UH, WHAT?
Cocaine
After working all night at the restaurant and gearing up to work all day at the department store, the ladies are starting to feel it. Max has a little pick-me-up to offer Caroline. Caroline is in shock, is it COCAINE?! No, it’s 9-hour energy. To which Max quips, “If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer!” Ah no. No you couldn’t. As learned here, cocaine costs about $60 for two people; while mixers start at $250. So if you could afford the former, you still couldn’t afford the latter. Maybe if you ladies didn’t blow $500 to buy a painting just to destroy it, you could not only afford the mixer, but you could certainly afford the cocaine.
9 Hour Energy
Which leads me to this: After Caroline jugs her serving, she acts like a coked up caterer at a Scarface party. I’m sorry, but guarine doesn’t do that. I know they said the ingredients were in Spanish, but the reaction just reminded me of Carlton on speed at the prom, and Jessie Spano on caffeine pills.
Life in the movies While everyone is offering to pitch in to help the homeless, Frank offers to bring pie, and starts to tell a story about his mom and this white lady, then remembers it’s a plot line from The Help. Oh, come on.
A List of Zings, for Future Reference
Santa’s Sex Toy Shop: “Tell that to my candy cane shaped vibrator. I call it Santa’s BIG Helper!”
Santa’s Elves: “North POLE DANCER”
Baking Lessons: “Before we bake, I need TO GET BAKED.”
Sharing tights: “The girl who had the tights before me, let’s just say little elf friend visited unexpectedly.” “Ew! Talk about a PERIOD COSTUME!”
Mental Breakdowns: “Come on, BI-polar express” “You’re like a Christmas crack monkey”
Exploding Cake Batter: “Christmas comes once a year, and I think it just DID”
Prison visits: “Idk, It’s been awhile since I’ve had any cavity searched!”
Insensitivity: “Get home safely! Oh, maybe I should not have said that to the homeless.”
Crotchless tights: “Risk showing kids your winter wonderland!”
Get caught up on episodes 1-9. (Regular recapper Ariel Karlin is away this week.)
Follow Meghan: @Mdoherty04.
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Such a good concept; such a terrible implementation.
(The show, that is)