Hey everyone, how’s your Monday going? Mediocre? Well get ready for your day to be ruined. It is with quivering lower lips that we tell you New York Ambassador Taylor Swift–our generation’s Frank Sinatra, Lou Reed, Beastie Boys, Q-Tip rolled into one–won’t be coming to New York for her tour next year. This is like the time we waved to our mom in the audience of our kindergarten Christmas pageant and watched her look the other way. Why would Taylor Swift ditch us right after proclaiming her love? We have some theories…
1. Ambassador Swift’s abandonment of her foster city is tied to the passionate, semi-coherent thought piece flood that greeted her magnum opus “Welcome to New York.” Just as we frequently Facebook stalk ourselves to remember how hilarious and good-looking we are, T. Swift likely reads every single thought piece written about her, expecting to be reminded how talented she is and how proud our English teachers should be. Instead, after being labeled a gentrifier, outsider, interloper and all around phony, she’s now thoroughly disillusioned with New York and all of humanity. Which ironically is a pretty important component of a true New Yorker. Alright Taylor, you’ve passed the test, welcome home.
2. Taylor’s going to be the surprise last act ever at Glasslands’ New Years Eve show. She can’t ruin the moment by playing in some lamestream arena before she literally shuts down the house at Glasslands!
3. She’s re-doing her entire set so she only covers songs from our NYC anthems playlist. She just started taking clarinet lessons to play “Rhapsody in Blue,” and “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” isn’t a song you just pick up. Give the girl some time! You can’t wholeheartedly sing “Rockaway Beach” until you’ve been there, and she’s probably waiting for Beach Bus to start up again.
Whatever the reason is, it’s clear that Taylor Swift has pulled a Joan Didion and is saying goodbye to all that New York nonsense. We might not know why, but we WILL have several exhaustive think pieces about it soon. Don’t you worry.