Hey cats, fire up the Instagrands, pop open your Fourscores and prepare to make some videotape on Vine dot com, because Coney Island will soon be bursting with “hip” spots, according to this story about the new chains coming to Coney Island. I know, finally, right?? God that place was boring before. I am going to apply for one Kickstarter to afford all this hipness. Chains such as:
Oh but wait, the Applebee’s has a shark tank in it, so that’s pretty cool, because you can choose the fresh food you want to eat and they make it right there. LOL no, that would be more accurate if there were a Dumpster full of microwaves with boil-in-bag frozen vegetables swimming in trash juice, their natural habitat. (more…)
Coney Island, 2015. via Flickr user Ashlee Catherine
Brace yourselves, Coney Island, hurricane Rita is coming, as in Main Street ‘Rita, that vaguely booz-ish beverage you ordered off the Applebee’s menu to dull the pain when your parents wanted to go to dinner in Times Square. Amusing the Zillion reports Coney Island is set to become a strip mall chain mecca copying all the authentic local charm of your average highway rest stop, with Johnny Rockets, Checker’s, Red Mango and an (blrgghgg) Applebee’s set to open soon, with others like Outback and Hooters in developers’ sights too, a rage-inducing proposition for which no curse word yet exists, so we will invent one: This is a mediocrifuck. A blanddicking. But really? It’s the Myrtle-Beach-ification of our once-beloved beach.
Myrtle Beach, for those who are fortunate enough not to have visited, is both one of the worst beaches in America and among the worst, soul-suckingly tacky places in the country: endless chains and theme restaurants, a never-ending loop of Jimmy Buffett blaring from every chintzy t-shirt shop, 40-story high rise hotels with frat-vomit filled lazy rivers in their basements and all the originality of a Disney beach-themed ride. Coney was once the anti-Myrtle Beach; is it now officially too late to go back? (more…)