Going to a strip club is probably not at the top of your list of things to do on Valentine’s Day. As we all know, though, luck runs out, bad things happen to good people, and so forth, and a little escapism may be what you need to mend a broken heart or fragile ego. Maybe you’re bored and want to entertain that urge to go to a sleazy place with your bros but haven’t mustered up the courage/desperation until now. Or maybe you’re just looking for a cheap lunch. Whatever the reason, here are three places to get your fix without losing your shirt (in the bad way) in the process.
Best Place to Wallow With a Broken Heart: Peyton’s Playpen Gentleman’s Club, (3901 2nd Ave., Sunset Park)
A laid-back place to lick your wounds and resuscitate your damaged libido, Peyton’s location near the waterfront in Sunset Park, combined with its absence of alcohol (they serve Frappacinos, though!), ensure that patrons are a sober and dedicated lot. The sleazy décor –casino style carpeting, mirrors on the walls and lap dances in old theater seats — drives away anyone with good sense, so you’ll have the run of the place. The girls are friendly and security is reliable, so you don’t have to worry about rowdy hooligans. No need to fret, though: this place sees more tired cops than spiky haired college students. Spend an hour here and put your troubles in perspective.
Cover: $10 after 8pm
Drink prices: two drink per hour minimum; drinks (non-alcoholic only!) $5-$7
Best Place to Hang With Your Hipster/Douchebag Friends: Pumps Bar (1089 Grand St., Williamsburg)
This place is known throughout the East Williamsburg/Bushwick crowd as the non-ironically sleazy place to see naked girls. When I mentioned Pumps to a group of locals, the overwhelming response I got was: “Oooh! That place is dirty, but the girls are hot!” What more can you ask for from a cheap strip club in Bushwick? The place is pretty well known as strip clubs go – Judah Friedlander sported one of its shirts on a “30 Rock” episode a few years back— and it’s received favorable write-ups in FreeWilliamsburg and Yelp. There’s never a cover and beer is only $4 during happy hour, but the guy behind the counter strongly suggests spending a little more. Beware of the dbags, though, unless of course you’re one of them.
Drink prices: $4 beers during Happy Hour (3-6 PM); $6/wine; $7 cocktails
Best Place to Get Your Fill (in More Ways Than One): Rick’s Cabaret (50 W 33rd St., Manhattan)
Rick’s is a fancy chain strip club in the midtown of that other borough that caters to creepy businessmen (it’s a publicly traded on the Nasdaq! Ticker: RICK), but it makes the Brokelyn list for one reason: a three-course lunch (and no cover) for only $10! For the price of a Hamilton, you get a meal that Midtown Lunch called “tasty” and the requisite T&A discerning strip club patrons demand. The lunch menu is standard American pub fare, but the strip steak (!) and crab cakes (!!) are good enough to put you in a “happy coma,” according to Midtown Lunch. Rick’s also offers split-level seating, so you can eat away from the action if you’re feeling insecure. While there’s no cover during lunch (normally $20), there is a one-drink minimum (which range $8-$12), but you’ll probably want something strong anyway. My advice: sit back, enjoy the food and keep your eyes peeled for unnamed professional athletes.
Cover charge: $20 (Mon-Sat after 7pm). No cover before 7pm.
Drink prices: $8 – $12, with a two drink minimum
Deals: Half-off cover price on Sundays; No Cover for Dinner.