Oh no. It’s almost Saint Patrick’s Day again.
One of the most reviled day-long bar crawls in recent human history (second only to SantaCon), St. Patrick’s Day can only be a source of ire for us New Yorkers, who suddenly have to contend with the bridge-and-tunnel population getting sloshed and vomiting onto our neighborhood streets, or with our favorite bars getting mossed in green-clad revelers, or with the bros thinking that it’s okay to just come out in broad daylight like the rest of us.
In an effort to counter the St. Patrick’s day mayhem, our friends over at satirical women’s webmag Reductress are putting together a Wellness Retreat at the Bell House on St. Patrick’s Day to “rejuvenate, revitalize, reproduce” and “refill” the spirit with comedy, life advice, Sixpoint draft specials and period panty giveaways. Performers include Michelle Wolf, Lane Moore, Akilah Hughes and Julio Torres, the space prince himself. And since these self-proclaimed wellness coaches already seem to know what they’re talking about, we asked some of the show’s performers and comedians to offer up their tips on how you, too, can avoid having a horrible St. Patrick’s Day.
(Your number one tip being, of course, to actually attend the event.)
Lane Moore (Tinder Live)
“Staying inside has worked for me every time, on both St. Patrick’s Day and all other days of the year.”
Matt Rogers (Pop Roulette)
“Get just sick enough so that you have to say home for the night. Being sick is not only an excuse, but you can’t talk yourself out of being sick at the last minute because you’re being ‘lame’ and ‘you only live once.’ No. You’re sick. You can’t fuck with St. Patrick’s Day. Also, it’s good because in a couple weeks when the weather starts to get beautiful, you’ll have just gotten over being sick and you’ll be extra #grateful. Just don’t get something insane like mono. I heard mono feels bad, especially when you’re an adult.”
Sudi Green (SNL)
“It’s better to vom on the street than in a cab.”
Akilah Hughes (Akilah Obviously)
“The Luck of The Irish is probably playing on Disney Channel and there’s a zero percent chance of getting puked on if you stay in and watch it.”
Anna Drezen (How May We Hate You?)
“Make sure you eat a lot of mustard. Corned beef and potatoes are merely the vehicles by which you can swallow whole mouthfuls of the spicy, life-affirming stuff. A good deli or whole-grain varietal can brighten the mood, awaken the palate, and give a good jolt to the winter-weary soul. It’s a great way to detox and prepare for whatever festivities you have planned for the Vernal Equinox.”
Sarah Pappalardo and Beth Newell (Reductress, co-founders)
“Go find a real Irish person, look them in the eye, and say, ‘I’m so sorry for all of this.’ Then go flip a car.” – Sarah
“Kill snakes. Kill all the snakes. I cannot say this enough. That is my number one tip.” – Beth
The Reductress Wellness Retreat is on Thursday, March 17 at 8pm at the Bell House (149 7th St.) in Gowanus. Tickets are $15 in advance, $18 at the door. Advance ticket purchases include entry into the raffle.