PSA: Do not buy this stupid beer can

Less beer = endless disappointment

Less beer = endless disappointment

For all the money that Budweiser and other macro-breweries spend on advertising that accuses you of being a gay for not drinking their piss swill, it doesn’t make their beer taste any better. It’d be nice if they put some of that cash towards not making piss swill, but seeing as how Budweiser just poured three years and who knows how much money into making the above can that’s a little bit dented on the sides, we don’t see that happening anytime soon. And all this to appeal to hipsters, apparently?

Dominique Zamora at Foodbeast calls the bowtie cans so pointless that they end up being cool, an assertion we couldn’t disagree with more. Why? It’s right there on the label: the can only holds 11.3 fluid ounces of beer. A normal Budweiser can holds 12, which yeah is more of a bad thing, but it also means you can get drunk quicker. Further pushing this into the realm of the inexplicable, is that assembling this lamest beer delivery device ever requires its own 16-step process. And they don’t even hide it! Budweiser brags about it in a press release!

We aren’t immune to the charms of aesthetically different macro-brew cans. AmeriCans are great because they take the act of drinking what is pretty not good beer and threading it to back in the days when it was probably: better and the only game in town. What purpose, nostalgia, patriotism or functionality is served by the bowtie can? Nothing at all, and yet you can be damn sure that when these drop in May, there’s going to be an advertising blitz that corners you and keeps telling you who cool and unique they are. Just because something is one-of-a-kind doesn’t mean that it’s good. If that were the case, Courtney Stodden would be a national treasure, instead of a living, breathing nightmare.

And you better believe they’re not charging you any less for the privilege of being condescended to. This isn’t innovation, this isn’t “fun.” Do you really really want one of these cans though? Here’s an idea: pinch in on the can with your middle finger and thumb while holding it in your hand. Voila! It’s indented and you still have an actual, full beer. You’re welcome.

5 Comment

  • They should make the Beer Sphere. It’s a can the size and shape of a tennis ball, holds 4.5 oz, and rolls off the table constantly. So cool!

  • I believe these cans to be superior for the act/art of “Rumplestiltzkin-ing” (look it up).

    I’m still waiting for a can with a pop-top AND a pull tab on the side. So you won’t need a Background Check to Shotgun one.

  • who is Courtney Stodden?