‘Girls’ season 5, episode 7 recap: Show (your vagina) and tell (your boyfriend)

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Can I get a witness?

If you see something, say something, unless what you’re seeing is Hannah’s vagina or your former bestie getting romantic with your ex-boyfriend or your someone falling asleep while giving you a blowjob. Then don’t say anything. Just look sad.

At least that’s the tactic most of the characters relied on for last night’s episode of Girls, “Hello Kitty.” The story mostly centered around Adam’s big, immersive play based on the murder of Kitty Genovese. You know, it’s the one from the 1960s where apparently all the neighbors heard Genovese screaming as she was getting murdered but allegedly no one called the police. It’s the go-to example for the bystander effect, and makes for great theater apparently.

Hannah and Fran show up already in a massive fight because Hannah flashed her vag to the principal to avoid getting in trouble. Marnie’s soon-to-be ex-husband shows up to tell her that Grey’s Anatomy wants to use their music, which is going to make this whole divorce thing a lot more complicated. Hannah catches Jessa gazing lovingly at Adam and realizes they are definitely boning. Elsewhere, Elijah is sad that he’s not the only boy getting a taste of Dill’s pickle.

Keep your feet on the ground, your head in the cloud formations that look a lot like Blake Lively and check out the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

Don't hide your bush under a bushel, girl.

Don’t hide your bush under a bushel, girl.

“It’s about to be summer” is a great justification for flashing your junk around. We all know that summer in New York is all about wearing as little clothing as decency laws allow and trying our best not to make skin-to-skin contact on the subway.

Could this be the most self-aware season of Girls yet? Elijah tells Dill all his friends are mean and poor, and then Marnie accurately describes Jessa and Adam as her second-tier friends. Even Fran reads Hannah to filth for wanting “to do something rude, disruptive, and inappropriate.” Is it finally time for these characters to all realize they hate each other almost as much as we do?

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Look, it's my job to screenshot all these pictures of Andrew Rannells in briefs, OK?

Look, it’s my job to screenshot all these pictures of Andrew Rannells in briefs, OK?

So glad to see the Andrew Rannells weekly undies requirement is still being enforced. There are definitely worse place to fall asleep than his crotch.

We Can’t Even

Unleash the Kraken

Hannah’s inappropriate comments to her students seem like less of an infraction than the fact she doesn’t wear underwear while teaching children. I feel like that’s a bigger problem.

What’s worse to witness when you look out your window: a murder or experimental theater? Either way, I’m calling the cops.

Let’s all just agree the world does not need more Sleep No More-style immersive theatre experiences. Every brand marketer is already positively wet thinking about how to rig something like this up for Mountain Dew or whatever, so it won’t be long until you can’t cross a city block without wandering into Axe Body Spray Presents The Cymbeline Theatrical Experience.

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Window watching

It seems unlikely Hannah could piece together the entire Adam/Jessa affair from those glances exchanged over a courtyard. If I was at my friend’s terrible play, I’d probably just be focusing on them anyway. What else would I be staring at, the girl angry dancing? (She was a pretty great dancer, to be honest.) I just don’t buy Hannah being able to be that perceptive, especially in the throes of her own crisis.

Remember when Marnie had that really beautiful moment last week and we thought she was going to stop being the worst? Well, all that self-actualization is out the window now that Alex Patsavas (a real person) wants to put her and Desi’s shitty music on Grey’s Anatomy, which is kind of one adult coloring book away from total white girl heaven.

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Just a casual Emmy Award in the bathroom. Very chill.

Just a casual Emmy Award in the bathroom. Very chill.

So, Dill has a rock climbing wall in his apartment and serves rosemary mojitos at parties to the guy who invented Boy Butter? Marry him. No, seriously. You find a sexy daddy like that who will get you a custom tuxedo and fly you to the Bahamas and keeps a bonus fuckboy in the basement, you lock that shit down. It’s 2016, be cool, Elijah.

Next week: Remember Shoshanna?

Catch up on our recaps of the rest of the season here.

Follow Bobby for more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together and how hot Andrew Rannells is: @bobbeyonce. 

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