Nobody wants a Charlie in a box, except Marnie who does want a Charlie in a box, and, more specifically, she wants her ex-boyfriend Charlie in her box.
Let’s back up a minute. You may remember Charlie as Marnie’s college boyfriend from way back when. Marnie was dating him when the show first started, and Hannah told Marnie he had a vagina while famously eating a cupcake in a bathtub. (Do you guys even remember 2012? It was all cupcakes and fun. songs.) Hannah wrote all about it in her diary, which Charlie and Ray read and then performed excerpts of it as part of their very cool two-man band, Questionable Goods. He dumped Marnie on the spot, leading to a lot of back and forth and makeup sex. Then he hit it big with an app, Marnie showed up and did that terribly embarrassing Kanye cover and his character was written off when the actor was like ENOUGH. The breakup with Marnie happened offscreen between seasons two and three.
But, as predicted, he’s back! And inexplicably worse than ever! Worse than Desi? Sort of!
Remember that season two episode where Hannah went to take out the trash and ended up spending like a solid 24 hours fucking Patrick Wilson? Last night’s episode was kind of like that, except it was all about Marnie. Here’s how it went down: Marnie was just minding her business in the half-finished one-bedroom/studio she shares with Desi. He’s crooning and “aggressively playing guitar at her” and generally driving her crazy, so she heads out. Who’s sitting outside? Charlie.
The two go on a madcap adventure where it’s eventually revealed that nice-guy Charlie is now a drug dealer and also drug user. After pretending to be a prostitute, stealing a boat and discovering Charlie’s heroin use, she heads home to Desi and tells him she doesn’t want to be married to him anymore. He takes the news about as well as expected. Marnie heads back to her old abode, climbing into bed with Hannah and her own vagina-having boyfriend, Fran.
Could this be the first stop on Marnie’s local train to redemption?
Slip on your sparkly red jumpsuit, and let’s discuss the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.
We Can’t Even
The whole fight between Desi and Marnie could have been avoided had Marnie just realized Desi screaming “Open your heart to me!” was just a misguided attempt to cover a Madonna song.
I’m going to keep the scene with the girl in the shop in mind for next time people say this show isn’t realistic. That’s EXACTLY how someone would react to Marnie’s self-involved oversharing.
I have very mixed feelings about Marnie, but only exclusively good feelings about Magitta Perez, her fake prostitute name. Girl can negotiate.
As unsexy as a Central Park pond might seem, I was sort of hoping for a chorus of pizza rats and bedbugs to appear and sing a little “Kiss The Girl” from The Little Mermaid.
Part of me wants some clarity around all of Charlie’s new tats, but then part of me wants to go on living believing he’s got “tumblr life” inked across his chest.
We Can’t Even
Marn acknowledged Charlie had an accent, but it sounded more like his balls finally dropped. Plus, his voice is like maybe not even in the top five most dramatic changes about him. It’s been two years, not 20. It’s like he’s a completely different person. Remember when he looked like this?
After so many stories about how hard it is to be strong, single woman in New York City, it’s nice to finally see a tale about someone who not only has a husband, but then walks outside and immediately finds someone else to have sex with. (And let’s not forget, also finds two other people to PAY her to have sex.) Is this what they mean when they talk about having it all?
There is no worse montage than a spaghetti-eating montage.
I can’t believe Marnie and Charlie had post-pond sex without taking a shower first. That seems extra gross. Like, let me take this Whopper wrapper out of my vagina before we start.
It may have seemed cruel for Desi to rather ominously suggest Marnie was going to get murdered, but considering that she didn’t realize people still got robbed, could he be that far off the mark?
Pop quiz: What’s a bigger red flag, finding someone’s heroin accessories or telling them that half of your album is about them?
Follow Bobby for more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together: @bobbeyonce.