‘Broad City’ season 2 finale: On the occasion of Ilana’s 23rd birthday, life lessons for babies

Birfday girl, about to hyperventilate because she thinks Weezy is at the same restaurant as her

Birfday girl, about to hyperventilate because she thinks Weezy is at the same restaurant as her

This post is dedicated to all our readers who are 23 and under. 

In the season 2 finale of Broad City, we celebrate Ilana’s 23rd birthday! And boy has she learned a lot in her short time on this planet—after all, hanging with her older, wiser amiga Abbi has made Ilana downright precocious. We compiled a list of Broad City life lessons from the season finale for our baby readers. Bonus—quite a few are New York-specific.

1. Here’s a breakdown of life’s milestones from age 16-23: “23 is such a nothing birthday, though, you know? 22 you graduate college, 21 you’re suddenly allowed to be an alcoholic, 20 you lose your virginity, 19’s your last teen year, 18 you get to vote, 17 you get to drive, 16’s your sweet 16, 15’s your quinceanera, see?”

"23 is such a nothing birthday though, you know?"

“23 is such a nothing birthday though, you know?”

2. It’s important to pay a little more for your loved ones on special occasions, exemplified by the following exchange. “Ab, $12.99 is such a splurge for wine, you’re spoiling me!” “It’s your birthday dude, you deserve a bottle, not a box!”

"You can get as many dumplings as you want!"

“You can get as many dumplings as you want!”

3. Babies, you may think you’re young, but it’s never too soon to plan ahead. Take it from Ilana, who spent the morning of her 23rd birthday writing out her will (albeit, on a napkin): “New York Jews wake up every day just thinking about how they’re going to die,” she explains.

Abbi perusing Ilana's paper napkin will, to a backdrop of St. Mark's pandemonium

Abbi perusing Ilana’s paper napkin will, to a backdrop of St. Mark’s pandemonium

4. The only real reason there is to go out to eat—forget Eater heat maps, GrubStreet profiles or New York Times 5-star reviews—is because you don’t have a real table in your apartment.

"I don't have a table."

“I don’t have a table.”

5. Next time some piece of shit tells you to ‘smile,’ you do this:

Don't tell a Broad City girl to smile

Don’t tell a Broad City girl to smile

6. The quickest way out of an awkward situation is to spill something. THE QUICKEST WAY OUT OF AN AWKWARD SITUATION IS TO SPILL SOMETHING.

Ilana spills wine on Abbi to get out having to eat dinner with the worst people ever. Here they are chugging what's left

Ilana spills wine on Abbi to get out having to eat dinner with the worst people ever. Here they are, chugging what’s left so they can beat it.

7. There is something called “wig face.” It looks like this:

If your face looks like this, then you should wear wigs as often as possible

If your face looks like this, then you should wear wigs as often as possible

8. That kid asking you for change on the street who looks like a trust funder with a bad attitude? Yep, he is.

Trustfunder in disguise

Trust funder in disguise

9. Be kind to the flora and fauna around you, you never know when they might have your back against urban titans.

Treeman to the rescue!

Treeman to the rescue!

10. Nothing beats a solid New York slice.

Classic, cheap and delicious

Classic, cheap and delicious

11. It’s the small achievements in life that can be the most rewarding. The girls reflect on the past year…

Ilana: “I’m proud of the time I ‘saw something and said something.’ I’m proud that I finally felt a prostate. I’m proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant.”

Abbi, on her past year: “I am proud that I finally finished Damages, so good….I pegged….I finally masturbated above the covers, without my eyes being closed….oh, and I figured out my eyebrows, they’re sisters, not twins.”

…and set manageable goals for the the year to come.

Ilana: “Next year, I want to finish a book—reading, not writing—I want to gradually lower my dosage of anti-depressants, and I want to join Ancestry.com. Oh and see a mangina from behind.”

Abbi: “I’m gonna do one legit pull-up, for real this time, and I really want to keep a plant alive for more than two weeks.”

Broad City Brokester tip of the season: Whenever you find yourself in a predicament, ask yourself, What would Ilana and Abbi do? Even if it doesn’t work out, you know you’ll have a good time.

WWAID?