Rip in space-time continuum results in NYC where bonnets are in, topless people are out

When you woke up this morning, you probably thanked your lucky stars you made it tor Friday, took a pull from your bedside whiskey bottle and lurched to your job, like you do every Friday. The fact that it didn’t rain buckets like it was supposed to at seemed like a pleasant surprise, but we’ve got bad news for you: the reason it didn’t rain is because a wormhole opened and deposited us in a separate timeline, one where something called bonnetcore exists and elected officials lose their goddamn minds seeing people without shirts on.

Oh sure, we’re the crazy ones. Well if we’re the crazy ones, explain to us how this news:

The Democratic state senator from the Bronx — and father of its upwardly mobile borough president —proclaimed in his semi-regular “What You Should Know” encyclical that Times Square “has made a turn for the worse” and is proposing a law that would address the desnudas there by making it illegal to walk around without a shirt.

Comes on the heels of this news:

Paper Mag has spotted bonnets as a hot new fashion trend for the fall, with fashion editorials and “It girl” Instagrams alike featuring cutesy white hats straight out of “Little House on the Prairie.”

But most recently, the bonnet has hit Bushwick, at Happyfun Hideaway, a dive bar at 1211 Myrtle Ave., according to the fashion site.

It’s not like there haven’t been other reported ruptures in the space-time continuum reported lately, so it’s in the realm of possibility, even probability, that reality is fractured enough to keep depositing us in new and strange universes. What’s your explanation? That we live in a toxic dump of a world where every impulse is ruled by either nihilistic irony or dramatic attempts to police women’s bodies? Pfft, yeah, okay.

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