Ri-dick-ulous: new free app will guess what your date is packing

Ladies, tired of going home with your date, taking his pants off and then barely suppressing your laughter/disappointment? Aren’t we all. Fortunately, there’s now a way to take some of the guesswork out of predicting what your partner is packing. Predicktor is a new free app that will give you an educated guess on whether your date has equipment that looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple, with just a little bit of relevant information on him.

Input data like shoe size, butt size (?), finger length and age, and shake your phone. Predicktor will give it’s best guess as to how big someone’s penis is, and you can take things from there. How will you get that information? You could demand your OKCupid suitor provide you with it before you meet up with them. Hell, if you combine this with BangWithProfessionals you can take all the surprise and effort out of acquiring sex, forever.

Despite the name, and the subject matter it’s dealing with, Predicktor allegedly isn’t a tool to shame guys with. That it comes with plenty of booooring literature and figures on sexual health and was designed by a polite, Canadian doctor instead of some alpha male chads from Maxim or BroBible works in favor of that claim. As does the YouTube video touting it’s usefulness, which doesn’t work in the aesthetic of lite beer ads so much as that of an Advil commercial.