New York is a beautiful city, filled with horrible jobs. There are jobs working for giant, soulless corporations, and jobs involving cleaning up after 3-year-old minds trapped in the bodies of businessmen. Hell, New York is even filled with those that have no jobs whatsoever, and who need to sell off various organs just to make an outrageous rent. Fortunately, simple odds dictate that there are also, in this city of dead ends and organ theft, amazing jobs out there that can transform the life of whichever lucky sonofagun gets them, so why are you still shopping around kidneys? Check out these jobs, curated by the vigilant staff of Brokelyn, and get your dream job started.
First off, our good friends/pastry gods/mad scientists behind the Buffalo Wing Cupcake the Robicellis are hiring! Their bakery is known throughout the land for being as delicious as it is intolerant of bullshit, so working here would be a great way to learn, not to mention everyone in Brooklyn would owe you for making their borough exponentially more delicious. They’re hiring Executive and Sous Pastry Chefs, so there are two great options depending on your experience level. Just remember, they have their adorable kids running through the kitchen so keep the swearing when you burn yourself to a minimum.
Next up, if the prospect of having kids running around you while you work sounds pretty good but the idea of a buffalo wing cupcake terrifies you, then good news: the Brooklyn Urban Garden School, or BUGS, is hiring on a new Development and Outreach Coordinator. The job is basically to help BUGS bring in some cash so that they can continue to help children out by being awesome, and if that sounds like something you’re against then you are probably a supervillain. The job demands minimal prerequisites, just a BA and some relevant communications experience, so unless you are applying for an assistant job for the stars of Them!, this is probably your best chance to work for BUGS.
There is about a 50% chance you, the reader, are a woman, and about a 100% chance that you think bad stuff happening to women is bullshit, and hopefully some percent chance that you’re looking for a job, because Women in the World, a new media outlet covering women’s issues in conjunction with the New York Times, is looking for a Social Media Editor to help them get the news across the various Insta-Tweets. The job pretty much entails the usual social media rigamarole, controlling their internet presence, writing blog posts, and getting views up, and they’re looking for some previous experience, so if you’re currently managing the social media for Oreo Thins and want to do something good for the world instead, apply today.
Are you a woman? Do you have a lifestyle? If you said “Yes” or “No, but kinda” to both of these questions, then good news, because Purewow, a new online publication designed around women’s lifestyles, whatever that means, is hiring! Among the many new jobs that are opening up, one of the best entry-levels looks like the Account Manager position, which involves dealing with clients and revenue, and only requires a few years of sales experience. If the content of the website is any indication, then the office is going to be painfully-well-decorated and covered in baked goods. Thank me later.
If you happen to love movies, then you might be able to quote more than 7 lines from The Big Lebowski. If you happen to be obsessed, then you might have gone to film school with the intent of devoting your entire life to them, in which case, congratulations, because I’ve got a job for you! Fly on the Wall Productions is currently looking for a Production Assistant to help them with their various documentary projects (for those younger readers, “documentaries” are what we call reality TV that doesn’t involve anyone who’s had plastic surgery). The ad states that these guys are looking for recent graduates with technical film knowledge and interviewing skills, so if you leave the face-to-face job application without knowing their hometown and favorite Beatle, don’t bother coming back.
Small-batch whiskey has finally come back into its prime, and that’s just great. If you happen to agree with that, and would like to thank/be employed by the people responsible for that in New York, then good news: Tuthilltown Spirits, New York’s first distillery since prohibition, is looking for a Distillery Representative to help them sell their insanely-priced but amazingly-delicious whiskey all over New York City. The job requires some previous experience in restaurant sales, and, I imagine, a liver made of Wolverine’s bones, but if you’re selling something right now and it isn’t delicious whiskey, then why do you even bother?
Finally, not to assume all artists need jobs, but they do, and good news because I found one for you: a nameless Chelsea gallery is currently hiring on a Gallery Assistant to assist in making art look its artiest. There’s a twist, though: the gallery focuses on Asian art, so if you’re applying, not only do you need a BFA, but you must speak Chinese/Japanese/Korean (does the owner think they’re all the same language?). So, if you have a deep love of art and your house happened to smell like kimchi growing up, then you’ve got the edge on every other artsy person applying for the job, if not, then just pretend you know Mandarin! After all, how hard could it be to learn on the fly?
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It’s totally cool to curse in front of our kids, as well as make poop jokes and other humor of questionable tastefulness. However, it is an open kitchen, so it’s best to check for customers before shouting dirty words or audibly farting.