New 311 app removes the need for human contact. Finally.

Introverts are very in right now, for whatever reason. We get it, reporters of America, you listened to “Ask” a few too many times and decided to do some pitches based around it as a joke. But, here we are, lionizing the complete inability to enjoy human contact, so we may as well ride it out. So for introverts, and for people who like making snap judgements without thinking of things, the city has a present for you: a new 311 app, for both Android and iPhone spacephones, that allows you to report things to 311 without ever talking to another human being.

OK, we got you. There’s nothing in the release notes about the app being made for introverts. But all the other stuff, about not having to talk to people is true. Any normal 311 call-in that you could make, from noise complaints to abandoned animals to illegal parking to issues with the cops can be filled out on a handy form instead of called in over a crappy cell phone connection.

But wait, there’s more. In addition to having subway maps, bus schedules and lines and commuter train schedules, you can also review subway lines, playgrounds and libraries with the app. There’s nothing to stop you from giving a bad review to one of those places in a fit of pique, which is a downside to technology, so make sure you’ve calmed down before telling the city the Borough Hall station is terrible or your local library should be razed to the ground. Because that stuff is forever. Of course, it could still be useful to call to get what you want.

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