Three ways you can be MTV's next Snooki right now

RealWorldNewYork — Remember them? Shut your teen whore mouth because no you do not.

Yo, broke brahs! Are you a totally souped-up rad dude? Or a tween hoping to ruin the future life of your newborn baby? Here’s your chance: MTV is casting a ton of crap right now, and they want you! From the creative geniuses that brought you Teen Mom, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (see what they did there?) and the infamous Jersey Shore, comes a new reality show, or one that already exists, starring you! They’re looking for all sorts of people from different walks of life who are willing to trade a little dignity for tevee fame, so before long you could go from average nobody to trading tweets with John McCain and writing best-selling books. Here is a sampling of three ways you can have your life filmed, then chopped into filler between commercial breaks.

Option 1: Be young and insecure
MTV is looking for girls who perpetually date the “bad boy”. Oooooo.

If you often find yourself defending your boyfriend to your friends, family, and even strangers, then share your story with us! Does he promise to call you and 3 days later you’re just hoping he’ll text? Are you always balancing between the awful/explosive moments and the really great ones? We are looking for couples who appear between the ages of 16 and 25 who have been dating for at least 3 months. If this sounds like your relationship, please send an email to [email protected] with a picture of yourself and your “boyfriend” … and why your guy is such a bad boy!

Not only does MTV make you sound pretty pathetic, they also push the knife a little further by putting “boyfriend” in quotes. So not only are you taking this exploitative crap from your “boyfriend,” you have to put up with it already from MTV casting.

Option 2: Be from Jersey and really like shoes

MTV Summer Wraps is looking for a real life couple who appear to be between the ages of 18-25 to participate in a back to school makeover spot … Couple must be available 8/16 in Asbury Park, NJ … you will receive a copy of the spot and be able to keep shoes that are worn.

This one, I could actually see myself auditioning for. I like shoes. I like make-overs. But being that the ages are 18-25, I’m assuming if you are this age and going to school, you’re in college. Doesn’t everyone just wear pajama pants and hoodies anyway? So, it begs the question, would anyone pull themselves out of their hangover long enough to care? Methinks, ah, no.

Option 3: Be a completely braggy jackwad.
This one made my brain hurt. This is just- I can’t.

Do you, or someone you know, make a living while being surrounded by celebrities? Or mix business with pleasure, partying the night away with the hottest girls in the club? Are you your own boss, or maybe just have more excitement on the job than most people have in their free time? Now is your chance to show the world why you have the Best Job Ever.

And there’s much more. But you know what? This is just my opinion. I’m sure that I’m just bitter because I’m 26, never had the guts to audition for The Real World, and am swimming in student-loan debt, unlike our beloved Snooki. So, whatever. Go audition for that show, be a huge success, and I will sit here watching the entire season of your super-successful show over and over again on one of the many MTV marathons like the unflashy-job-having-slightly-too-old loser that I am. And I will love you for it. God, will I love you. And I will hate everyone who talks bad about you on Gawker and random message boards (it’s like high school, but bigger! And forever!).

Also, MTV, I do love MADE. You had something right with that one.

Follow Meghan: @mdoherty04.