Mayor Tall won’t be able to get groundhog blood on his hands this year

Before he was accused of having police blood on his hands, you might all remember that Mayor Tall first had groundhog blood on his hands, due to his dropping Staten Island’s weather-predicting groundhog in an incident that eventually led to its death. Despite getting the thirst for blood after that one, we’ve fortunately avoided instances of de Blasio killing again. And at least when it comes to groundhogs, he won’t be able to this year. That’s because a Staten Island zoo insider told the New York Post no one will be allowed to hold groundhogs on Groundhog Day anymore.

The chosen groundhog for this year’s long/short winter predictions, whoever it is, will sit in a comfortable glass box according to a “zoo insider.” Kind of a like a Popemobile for a groundhog, we’re thinking. This way, Mayor de Blasio, who’s clearly on a path of destruction in regards to NYC icons, won’t be able to have another “accident” with the groundhog. “If only we could put New York City is a glass case to protect it from Fidel de Blasio,” a letter being sent to the Post probably says.

While you stop and marvel at the fact that for some reason in the goddamn year 2015 we still pin our hopes of early spring on a groundhog and is shadow, we’ll be marveling at the fact that news in New York City goes so deep that there are secretive “zoo insiders” who will Deep Throat information over to newspapers under penalty of, we don’t know, being fed to the lions?

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