How to buy Facebook stock without travelling back in time to 2002

Purchasing IPO stock from one of the hottest tech companies in existence is damn near impossible, but not totally:

1. If you spent the past 10-15 years amassing a fortune and developing contacts in the tech or stock industries, you’re in luck! Just ask around. We’re sure someone will help you out.While you’re at it, get us one of those Google glasses too, thanks.

2. If you don’t have the connections but have a several hundred thousand dollars lying around, open an account at Goldman Sachs or Morgan Stanley. According to Jon Mitchell at ReadWriteWeb, these firms get a higher priority since they’re putting up the cash for the whole deal. They probably offer some sweet account opening bonuses like a toaster or something, right?

3. Try the secondary market, aka the StubHub of stock purchases. Here is a list of a bunch of places where you can try to to buy them. Remember: always request pics first when buying stock from a stranger.

4. If none of these are options, you’re SOL on the IPO front. You’re going to have to wait until the the stock is all snapped up and enters the general market. By then, it will most likely rise well above the initial $38/share. Mitchell writes: “Basically, if you want Facebook IPO shares, you have to be rich and powerful in order to be taken seriously.” Which we totally are, obvs.

4. Think twice about buying stock when that price shoots up. Facebook is one of the most valued companies on NASDAQ, but it’s only 909th in revenue. And we all remember what happened with tech firms that absurdly high price/earnings ratios, right? And all those revenue-generation ads you click — you click on Facebook ads all the time, right? — don’t appear on your phone, even though we spend more and more time checking Facebook while waiting in line at Trader Joe’s.

5. If you, by some miracle get your hands on some stock at the intro price, update your Facebook status immediately from “it’s complicated” to “in a publicly offered ownership relationship.” Replace your profile photo with a picture of the newborn stock. Remember to post plenty of pictures of your new stock as it matures. And send demanding emails to Mark Zuckerberg. He’ll appreciate you expressing your new interest in the company.