As if shopping for greeting cards wasn’t depressing enough (re: your average bday card that reads something like this: Front: “You’re how old? Inside: “GAH HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET??”), Hallmark upped the ante by releasing a line of cards targeted at the unemployed, laid off or otherwise economically down-and-out. “Don’t think of it as losing your job,” one card reads. “Think of it as a time-out between stupid bosses.” These $3.49 gems of corporate poetry join the card rack under the category “Encouragement” and teeter the line between clever compassion and depressing document of these 9 percent unemployment times. Plus, there’s only eight of them, and we know way more than eight people who could use some encouragement. So we asked Team Brokelyn to come up with our own line of Brokemark Happyface Cards For Sadface Times. Add yours!
“Losing your job is no reason to be depressed! And anyway, good therapy is really expensive.”
“It’s Happy Hour somewhere (Somewhere is your apartment).”
“You would have preferred not to, anyway.”
” Losing your job: A cure for your severe case of The Mondays.”
“Feel free to burn this card to stay warm when you’re living in a van down by the river.”
“Sorry to hear about your misfortune, guess I won’t be coming to your job to slap the mop out of your hands after all.”
“Congratulations on becoming a political reference point!”
“Well you always said you wanted more time for your painting.”
“Sure it’s hard out there, but it’s hard to look at it as ‘funemployment’ if you keep crying.”
“Look at this way: for the forseeable future, you won’t need to remember when Secretary’s Day is.”
“On the plus side, the coffee can be any strength you like it! On the minus side, you have to pay for it now.”
“Give Yourself a Staycation. (You can’t afford not to).”
“Enjoy your seven-day weekends!”
“Unemployment with benefits. Think of all the new ways you’ll get fucked.”
“If the Hallmark corporation were a real person they would include the hiring manager’s contact info on this card.”
Thanks to the wordsmithery of Timothy Krause, David Colon, Meghan Doherty, Rachel Sugar, Etan Marciano, Annie Schoening and guest Brokelynite Jeff Vrabel!
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There really is a greeting card for everything, now, isn’t there? Can you imagine receiving one of this cards?