Halloween is a sexy time. And no, I’m not referring to the stupid store-bought costumes. I mean it more like people can get in touch with a different part of their personality, put on a mask, and act the fool with people in various states of bloody, gothic, or otherwise ornate undress. But since you’re reading Brokelyn, I can only imagine your costume budget comes up a few digits south of a period-appropriate musketeer or Marie Antoinette outfit. However, there’s no reason a brokester needs to compromise his or her seductiveness just to pay the rent come November 1.
So, herewith, I present to you some rock-solid, wallet-friendly, DIY costumes and apropos sexual innuendos to say while wearing them. Just make sure to be safe, don’t eat too much candy corn (serious bloating action there), and have a ghoulishly good time come Friday night.
60s Mission Control
Wear black trousers and white, short sleeve, button up shirt. Put on black, very skinny tie. Tie clip optional. Wear very thick framed glasses. Put on phone headset. Bonus points, but not necessary, for forging a fake NASA ID tag to hang from your breast pocket.
Say: “You wanna see how powerful the thrust is on my rocket?”
Firing Line Victim
Get a button up shirt, preferably a light color without patterns. Burn a few holes in it. Cover those holes with fake blood. Fashion a white blindfold out of something sheer so that ideally you can see through it. Have a cigarette dangling from your lips at all times.
Say: “Had I known you before, my last request would have been you.”
This is mostly just painting a shirt with some wit. Get a shirt you don’t mind ruining, preferably in some handsome earth tone. Design a label for your first name, and then pepper it with various artisanal boasts i.e., small-batch, cage-free, gluten-free, reclaimed. Use old-timey fonts
Say: “I’m well-crafted for your pleasure.”
Wear a bunch of items of clothing in bright red, yellow, blue, and green. Layers and accessories are recommended, such as hats, bright socks, etc. Wrap one of your arms in tin foil. This is your “chrome” extension.
Say: “Wanna download sex.exe? Or sex.dmg if you have a Mac?”
Retired Derek Jeter
Acquire aloha shirt. Using a stencil with spray paint or freehand if you’re snazzy, paint a number 2 on the back and either a Yankees logo on the left breast or write “New York” along the chest. Wear a Yankee hat.
Say: “Even if I don’t swing a baseball bat any more, I still know how to use my long, hard wood.”
Try to wear clothes that resemble a classic marionette. These include pointy hats, pantaloons, vests- think Pinocchio. Put on rosy cheek make up. Attach lengths of string at each of your joints and head.
Say: “If you’re good with your hands you can make my body do anything.” (For specifically wooing people who like Disney jokes say “I’m a real boy now but some stuff is still wooden.”)
Gowanus Canal/Newtown Creek
Wear your murkiest colored clothing- dark greens and blues and browns. Use gel to muss up your hair and make it spikey and disheveled. Put on black make up around your eyes and white on your face to appear sunken and sickly. Use safety pins and attach various pieces of detritus to you- empty potato chip bags, water bottles, bonus points for things that will actively rot like banana peels.
Say: “You have no idea how dirty I can be,” OR “I’m a Superfund time.”
If you’re a redhead you have an advantage. Wear a green or blue work coat, splatter with paint if desired. Try to get a wide-brimmed straw hat, too. Acquire a fake bushy mustache/beard, or grow one if you’re able. Tape gauze over one of your ears.
Say: “I’d like to leave an impression on you this starry night.”
Wear traditionally nice, first date outfit. Wear large sunglasses. Acquire a white tipped cane. Carry around either a box of chocolates (handy for treats) or a bouquet of flowers.
Say: “Are you the one that I’m looking for?”
Wear all white. Throw dirt on yourself. Liberally apply fake blood under your nose.
Say: “PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY” until someone makes out with you.
The New York Times
Regardless of gender, wear a Mad Men era woman’s dress or top/skirt combo, all of which in grey. Using facepaint/makeup make all of your exposed skin also grey. Act as if everything you witness in Brooklyn is confusing but exciting.
Say: “Not even Thomas Friedman could bloviate enough verbiage to adequately convey your beauty.”
Wear your fanciest blogging clothes. Don’t have money.
Say: “I write for Brokelyn,” and watch the pants drop.