New York’s real estate market is a bit overheated, as we know. So you need to be able to identify bargains where you can, and latch on to them like a facehugger alien. You’re also going to need a place you can defend yourself when Red Bill Crimewave de Blasio gets elected, and what better place to defend yourself against the redistributive hordes in than in your very own castle in the Bronx?
ANIMAL, via Curbed, points us to the listing from Stribling for an actual goddamn castle that you can buy with real money, up in the Bronx, at 4720 Grosvenor Avenue. As opposed actual medieval castles, which were drafty concrete boxes of horror, this place seems pretty cozy. With 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathrooms, you’ll have plenty of space to store all of your ill-gotten capitalist loot. And since the castle is at the second-highest point in the city, you’ll have the high ground on rampaging proletariat looters coming to steal said stuff.
Plus, with Queens now the hot new real estate spot, the Bronx still has plenty of cachet as an “authentic and unknown” borough. All in all, a Bronx castle seems like a steal at $3.6 million, especially when you consider how much money you’ll throw down the drain just renting your entire life.