One of the most notorious accused criminals of our era (253,000 Google results) is Andre Robinson, the man otherwise known as the Brooklyn cat kicker. For those who need a refresher, he’s a 22-year-old Brooklyn man who was accused of attempted animal abuse after a YouTube video surfaced showing him punting a kitten into mid-air, which is the exact thing you don’t want to see go viral if you don’t want to become known as the “Brooklyn cat kicker.”
Despite video evidence showing him giggling after he brings his foot full-throttle into a little gray kitten’s chest and sends it flying like a championship pigskin Robinson hasn’t gone quietly in criminal court, and just yesterday turned down a plea deal offered by prosecutors, according to the New York Post. We’re thinking it’s because of the expert defense attorney Robinson has, whose parsing of legal terms and the English language has us wondering, “What is a ‘kick,’ really?”
The Post reports while Robinson turned down a plea deal for 30 days in prison, it was his lawyer Risa Procton who stole the show, arguing in a bench conference with the judge and prosecutor: “You keep saying it’s a kick. It’s not a kick, that’s a misrepresentation.”
After observing the above stills and then actually watching the video, we at Brokelyn were feeling similarly confused about the nature of this alleged “kick.” In fact, inspired by Ms. Procton’s defense, we’ve offered you a number of equally plausible theories.
1. Robinson thought it was a stunt cat for a new video for “Throw Your Cat Away.”
2. The video is actually a viral ad-campaign by PETA.
3. Robinson edited out the part of the video where the cat, barely affected by the impact of his tender toe-tap, decides to climb into a tennis ball cannon and do a cat-sized version of The Human Cannonball trick.
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On the one hand, due process is a good and necessary thing. On the other, what’s it like to be an attorney saddled with the task of representing a sadistic scumbag who clearly, obviously, definitely kicked the shit out of a cat, to defend him from an oh-so-draconian 30 days in jail? I imagine her sitting alone staring at her law degree, as an ice cube fully melts into a glass of scotch, part of her secretly wishing we were the type of society with lion pits.
4. It was the cat the assulted Robinson’s foot, using it as a cat-apult and vehicle for its own suicide.