Apartment Hunt: ‘Not so F*cked In Park Slope’ edition


Now I know you and your S/O have been talking about moving out to Park Slope someday, so you can raise your children on Sundays in Prospect Park and honey pie from Four & Twenty Blackbirds. Well, guess what? Now you don’t have to save ’til you’re 40 to do it! We’ve got a handful of reasonably-priced apartments in the Slope. That, and a bunch of cute pads in a weird cluster of Bushwick/Bed-Stuy real estate off the J train, where the real estate values are going up with the crime rate (allegedly). So what’s it gonna be, kids?

Let’s get the ball rolling with this 4-bedroom, 2.5 bathroom duplex garden apartment at the border between Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. It’s only $3,500, and there’s no fee! Just split that rent up and it’s an easy $825/pp, right near Gates Ave. on the J train. Washer and dryer in unit, recessed lighting, “deep soaking tubs” (I suppose most tubs allow only a shallow ankle-soak), and a large garden all to yourself. The best part is that even though you have all this space, the listing thinks that all you need is “your suitcase!” OK great, lemme just cancel the U-Haul holding all my worldly possessions.



Wait, forget the deep-soak tub. How about a JACUZZI? This Park Slope 3-bedroom for $2,750 reads like a fever dream from Trading Spaces. It’s a ground floor unit with a private patio, fucking cherry cabinets and a goddamn dishwasher. Pardon my French. Don’t forget the 2 king-sized bedrooms (and 1 full-size), the jacuzzi tub and your private bike storage. Sure, bring the cat, they don’t care! I’d imagine a champagne toast is included in the move-in. 3 minutes to the F, G and R trains at 4 Av-9 St, so it’s Park Slope Proper. Rent before a) it’s gone, or b) we lose respect for you.



If you’d rather go for economy than luxury, this no-fee 3-bedroom for $2,150 is a steal at the northern tip of Crown Heights. Well, you could alternate between that and calling it Bed-Stuy at parties, depending on who you’re trying to sleep with. Either way, we’re talking a short walk to the A/C at Fulton & Nostrand. Not much else about the apartment on the listing besides claiming that it’s “freshly renovated,” but the price alone makes it well worth checking out.



If you’re as surprised as I am that there’s remotely reasonable housing in Park Slope, you’ll want to snatch up this 4-bedroom for $3,500. It’s on 4th St. right in between 7th and 8th Avenues—if you’ve been through that area you’ll know that it really is “the heart of the Slope.” Short distance to the park, a few minutes’ walk to the 7 Av F/G trains, and smack-dab in the middle of all that stroller goodness.  The listing is pretty vague, but we know there’s a washer-dryer somewhere around there, whether it’s in-unit or in-building. Pets allowed. If you’re starting a family and you want a neighborhood to call home, do yourself a favor and check this place out.



Talk of family values, this 3-bedroom unit in Bed-Stuy only shares the brownstone building with 6 other units, so you’ll get to know your neighbors. The $2,500 price tag also gets you an open kitchen and living room, exposed brick throughout, hardwood floors and lots of natural light. Seriously, even the toilet is basking in some sun. Seemingly around the corner from our first listing, this apartment is also between Kozciusko and Gates on the J Train. Love thy neighbor, I guess—especially since lot of ’em who live there probably read Brokelyn.



Listing ho! This South Slope 3-bedroom for $2,450 gets added points for actually telling us what’s up in the description, right down to the address. What’s more, these photos actually make for a good-looking apartment. There’s a courtyard in the back of this pre-war building, with stainless steel appliances in-unit and a laundromat down the street. You’ll also be right near Eagle Provisions, easily the best and biggest beer store in Brooklyn.  Full disclosure before you move in: this is a 4-flight walkup. So if you end up taking it, plan ahead by begging your lousy millennial pals for help. Off the 25th St. R Train, which works again now!



And as always, let’s round off the listings with the opportunity to be my neighbor, if a little farther east. This 3-bedroom in Bed-Stuy for $2,500 at Lewis & Putnam is right around the Kingston-Throop C and the Utica Av A/C. With original detailing and hardwood floors throughout, the listing also boasts high ceilings, generous closet space and a Bunch O’ Natural Light. Pets allowed, too. Well, it sure sounds swell, but I’d say this adorable wall-deco in the photo speaks for itself. You can almost hear the panel ridges whispering, “Rent me.”

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