Well, here it is, the job you’ve been preparing for your entire life, thanks to your rampant weed smoking and promiscuity: weed-friendly web magazine Cannabist is looking for someone to be their stoned sex columnist. “I’ve had sex! I’ve smoked pot!” you’re yelling to everyone in your office/at the coffee shop. “Sometimes I’ve even done them together!” Well yes, congratulations, you’re cool and not a virgin. Can you give people good sex advice though, beyond “slow, rhythmic clitoral stimulation”?
As per the job listing, Cannabist wants someone who can write about “sex, relationships, intimacy, gender issues” and any other sexy issues as they relate to the world of legalized pot. What else is there that does? Hell, we don’t know, we’re not sex columnists, even if we’re often not wearing pants. You’ll have to write about your own sexy sexual history of having sex, review sexy sex products, talk about sex trends and answer questions readers might have about sex…on weed. Here’s your first question, from Dave C. in Brooklyn. No wait, too obvious, let’s go with D. Colon: is there a weed-based version of whiskey dick? Really curious about that.
If you think you can answer that and other stupid questions, if you can write about weed-based lube without making a crapload of typos, are at least 21, have professional writing experience and are OK with writing about pot and sex under your Christian name, then fill out this form, with LET’S WRITE ABOUT SEX as the subject line (despite all-caps’ utter lack of sexiness). Cannabist wants to know where you’re from, and then want 100 words about why you’re the sex columnist they’re looking for and a 300-600 word sample sex column. Bad idea for a column: tell people to pretend to suck a bong like a dick. Good idea for a sample column: best foods that double as munchies and things you can feed to each other sexily.