Oh god the bears are approaching New York City. All is lost

"Hmmm I think after this yoga class I'm gonna go down to Whole Foods and get some free-range HUMAN." via Flickr user Elvis Payne

“Hmmm I think after this yoga class I’m gonna go down to Whole Foods and get some free-range HUMAN.” via Flickr user Elvis Payne

It’s been a nice run for humanity here in New York City, wouldn’t you say? We’ve terraformed the land, we’ve built monuments to our ambition that challenged the sky itself and we’ve been making it all work without burning everything down for hundreds of years. That’s all over now though, because like coyotes before them, bears are at our doorstep and it’s now just a matter of time before they want to experience the thrill that is moving to New York City. We take back everything we said about awful European tourists, in light of the fact that at least they aren’t 300 pounds of razor sharp claws and killing power.

The bad bear news comes courtesy of LoHud, which nonchalantly shared the fact that a bear was wandering around an apartment complex in Yonkers, which is just miles from The Bronx. Worse, the bear was finally stopped and tranquilized near the Bronx River Parkway, which can only mean one thing: the bears, feeling taunted by the coyotes that have made their way down as far as Long Island City, are beginning to send out scouting missions.

Police told LoHud that they couldn’t recall a bear being spotted in the city before, but our prediction is that we haven’t seen the last of them. Today, one 150-pound bear cub that’s stopped in Scarsdale. Tomorrow, a full-grown adult male bear gets down as far as Mt. Vernon, and then it’s just a matter of time before they set up camp in Van Cortlandt Park and declare it to be property of the Ursine species. Our advice is to make peace with your loved ones and take out lots of credit card debt, because within six months, the odds are pretty good that if you’re even alive, you’ll be living under the dominion of bears.

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