Nightmare global warming report predicts New York to become Florida

everglades

Goddamn gentrifigators. via Flickr user Joe Parks

Everyone’s busy complaining about the snow and cold as if it’s the first time they ever experienced it and they’re out living on the streets. Let us remind you that eventually, in the future it will be warmer, so don’t worry. We don’t mean in the summer though, in this instance we mean in the future when you’ll be dead and your awful kids will be living here. At least if the predictions of a new global warming study (via Gothamist) by the city come true, which see temperatures in New York City shooting up 8.8 degrees on average by the 2080s. Haha, who wants to live to be 100 now, suckers?

The mayor’s office released a fancy new doomsaying report on the impacts that climate change will have on New York City, unless Al Gore comes clean and ends this hoax, and none of them sound fun. Oh sure it’s going to be warmer, but that comes with rising sea levels like this fun map predicted and also an increase in rain and hurricanes means that we’re going to be Florida minus Disney World and with better hockey. Which we guess there are worse things, but with sea levels supposed to rise anywhere between two to six feet by the year 2100, what is there to grasp at except for straws?

Is there any hope? The city is adding things like flood protection systems to low-lying areas, along with dunes in Staten Island and more sand to beaches. Ultimately though, global warming and the angry ocean is coming for us, so if you grew up on a beach town, maybe start to appreciate it more than usual or just stare at the wall for a little while and consider the awful thought that the place where you grew up has already punched its ticket to be the next Atlantis.