I am a stay-at-home girlfriend. When my boyfriend goes off to work, I spend my days cooking, cleaning our two-bedroom Greenpoint apartment and trying to look good for him when he comes home. I never planned on this lifestyle; my corporate job of four years was outsourced in October when we were already living together. What was a matter of convenience before is now a matter of financial survival — while I’ve always been someone who’s really into keeping her boyfriend happy (that’s how I was raised), it’s now my primary occupation after job-seeking. I’m not alone. I was actually the third of my female friends living with her boyfriend to wind up out of work, and all of us, to some degree, adhere to stereotypically Stepfordish rules to keep our relationships afloat and ourselves sane. Here are mine:
Don’t sleep in: When my boyfriend wakes up at 6, I get up with him, turn on the television, chat with him, and try to make him a simple breakfast, maybe scrambled eggs or just cereal and juice. It’s bad enough that he knows I’m home all day, no need for him to think I sleep until noon.
Keep the place clean: When I was working, the cleaning usually didn’t get done until Saturday — now it’s part of my daily to-do list. Like any other busy person getting ready in the morning, he throws his clothes on the floor, takes a shower and leaves the floor wet etc. Why leave it there for him to take care of when he gets home? To be spiteful? I’d much rather pick up behind him — I don’t want to live in a messy home either. It also gives me something to do when my brain reaches its resumé-submission limit.
Cook or order dinner every night: I happen to love cooking. I was making dinner at least three to four times a week when I was still employed, except then I could actually afford to go to the butcher and get the best racks of ribs. Now that I’m not working, it’s only right to keep the meals on the table. If you don’t cook, order something. Put a cold beer or glass of wine on the table along with it. My boyfriend loves it. He’s always grateful for any and all of the little things I do; it never gets too predictable because I try to do something new every time.
Keep yourself up: I can’t afford to go to the hair and nail salon once a week as I did when I was employed. Those $60 Brazilians every month are definitely out of the question. I learned how to do my hair myself, went to Duane Reade for an at-home wax kit (proceed with caution!!) and have my friends give me manicures. I even turn on the Health channel and do some of the cheesy morning aerobics. There are plenty of ways to look good on a budget and I have made it my mission to find every single one. My trick to keeping my actual clothing hot and inexpensive is actually fairly simple; I wear things that are totally out of season. If I’m at home, I’ll throw on a pair of denim shorts and a tank top or a tube top with jeans and flip flops. Stay covered when you need to leave the house, otherwise pretend everyday is a 90 degree day.
Pamper him. One of my fellow SAHGs buys her boyfriend’s favorite chocolate milk and puts in the freezer (because that’s the way he likes it) for him to find when he gets home from work. I always have beer or whiskey ready for my boyfriend, and when it gets colder outside, I’ll mix a warm cocktail, which he’s a big fan of. Needless to say, the surprise doesn’t always have to be of the alcoholic variety but a nice treat while dinner is cooking is always a great way to keep him happy.
Sexy Time: Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets. I have eight to nine hours everyday to send out my resumés and clean and make dinner, by the time he comes home from work I am well rested. Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is. I try very hard to keep my boyfriend happy and this is a key part of doing so.
Leave the house: To stay sane, I have to get out of the house at some point everyday or I go completely crazy. Whether it’s to go to the grocery store, take a walk around the block or go daytime boozing with one of my unemployed friends. My friends and I go boozing at least 1-2 times a week and it is FANtastic. There ‘s nothing better than going to a restaurant, sharing a couple of appetizers and a bottle of wine (or two) with another unemployed girlfriend. The lunch specials at a lot of NYC restaurants are quite inexpensive. You can even spring for a whole meal if you feel like it. If you’re not the booze enthusiast I am, enjoy a great meal with a friend. Getting “me” time outside of the apartment is so important. I am aware that a large part of my unemployment schedule is based on keeping my boyfriend happy, so having time to myself away from the confines of my living room really makes my own life better.
All in all, I think being unemployed has made us closer. He gets a clean house and dinner, and being unable to go out all the time has forced us to spend more time together. If there’s one thing I’m sure he’d like to change it is the way I cling to him when he gets home. After spending a large part of the week talking only to myself, having him walk through the door ready to talk about something other than toilet cleaner is really exciting to me. It makes him crazy.
I’m positive some people reading this will assume I’m a brainwashed and battered woman, and I can’t say I’m all that concerned. The thing is, even though I’ve gotten the whole domestic thing down to a science, the idea of being an actual housewife is not at all appealing. I still fully intend to have a career of my own. Until I land that new job, I’m doing the best job I can as a stay-at-home girlfriend.
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You’re the one going through the crisis of being unemployed. I’d be interested to hear how your boyfriend is doing in the “making sure my girlfriend knows she’s not a lesser person because she doesn’t have a job” department. It doesn’t sound like he’s put too much effort in that.
I work part time, seasonally, and my boyfriend full time. He makes $35K a year, I make $17K However, rather than trying to create domestic bliss, I add value to the relationship beyond cash. For example, I use my free time to plan cheap weekend adventures, then make videos and post them online. We make money off the video ads, and we, as a couple are “SO COOL! I wish WE did that kind of stuff!” according to friends. We pool our limited money and hire a cleaning lady, because we don’t want to enforce traditional women’s roles. I keep my dignity, and the free time translates to our youthful years being completely amazing. I also network like a mo-fo. We go on an adventure, and I’ve got 10 people to meet while we’re there, and he gets to benefit off my aggressive social networking, which he doesn’t have time for. In this way, my part time job frees up time for me to improve both our social, mental, and career lives. If you have energy to spend on a relationship, screw vacuuming. Make a real impact.
I got a good girl like this. She works at night also tho. We do things for each other not like most relationships where everything is a competition. It’s wonderful and I’m so happy I found a real WOMAN, not just another spoiled brat.
The article isn’t about that…
Wow. What if you don’t feel like having sex? What if you want a day off from cleaning? What if you want ALL THE DAYS off from cleaning? You just took women’s liberation and feminist activism back about fifty years; way to go there, ye liberated woman.
Who doesn’t feel like having sex? She can take a day off from cleaning if she wants. Cleaning isn’t very hard to do.
People with full-times jobs don’t always feel like having sex. You know, we get tired.
She is describing how to be a parasite living off her man. That’s the part that sets feminism back. Not how she keeps the gravy coming.
Well Sara she doesn’t have a fucking job. She says multiple times that she’s looking. What’s she suppose to do? Op for living on the streets, because living with a man is so awful??? If a woman was full time employed,, I’m sure he’d be doing the saame. Stop acting as if you’ve never had any bad luck, you and the other stuck up cunts here.
“There’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.” Are you serious? What about, like, a death in the family? As long as you aren’t bleeding from your lady hole, you should be dtf whenever he is!
This isn’t enough of a satire to be even 15% funny. It’s just regressive and enraging.
As a part-time SAHG (I do freelance work from home, but make considerably less $ than my boyfriend), I can appreciate the sentiment of this post, but I frequently run into the issue of feel guilt-ridden for not being an equal bread winner. How about some more constructive suggestion for ways by which other stay-at-home-girlfriends (or partners) could collectively congregate? Knitting circle? Cooking group? Book club? Volunteer buddies? Resume review? I’m sure there are great ways to tackle the issues of getting out of the house, socializing, being frugal, and contributing to your relationship as well as the greater good of your community. As it is, this post feels a little less-than-progressive.
Brokelyn, are you fucking kidding with this shit? Caroline is right, this is awful but not even awful enough to be funny. I feel dumber for having read it.
Sub all for “get another job” or “find temp work” or “anything beyond dropping everything to make sure you’re not a nuisance because something unfortunate happened.”
Sorry but…..WTF year are we living in? This article actually makes me feel nauseous. Maybe you should just stay unemployed–then maybe he’ll propose!
Who cares what year we’re living in. It’s her life. She can do whatever she wants.
You women make me laugh, i guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot it would be 1up feminists, way to go, drop that loser boyfriend. I would even go as far as to speculate that you type of women are as equally belittling as a caveman. You want gender equalities but aren’t willing to perhaps dig through concrete all day, work out in the heat all day, dirty work!!! No just want the better jobs to pay the same, you feel it is okay to hit a man in the face but if a man acts in self defense drop the hammer! shame on him….
Johnny, you fucking suck. I’d give you a more descriptive insult, but you’re too ignorant to even deserve one. I work as a goddamn brewer, doing harder physical labor than most men in conditions that range from numbingly cold cellars to boil overs that leave me nasty burns, lifting 160 lb kegs (I weight 120 lbs too, btw), milling in well over 1000lbs of grain per day, and getting chemical burns from caustic and peracetic acid. I find this article repulsive from a feminist standpoint.
Bloody hell, you feminists take it too far sometimes. I thought you were fighting for equal opportunities? You know, doing what woman want to do and not being discriminated against for being female. Well reality check, staying at home and dealing with housework whilst a partner is out bringing the money in, is a choice. Judging from some of the comments here, it is a choice many women take. Why would you then deriide those women for taking that said choice? It goes agasinst what you are fighting for. For example, if you are in a lesbian relationship, and one of you loses their job, would you just let the rubbish pile up and the dishes remain dirty, on the basis that women doing housework is ‘traditional’ and ‘outdated’? Somebody has to clean it up ffs! and it’s only fair that it’s the person who stays in all day. That way both partners are giving their equal share. If i lost my job, and was stook in all day, i’d more than happily pick up the buck and do my bit, becuase its only fair. I honestly have no idea what problem you have with a woman choosing to live the way she does under her current circumstances. Each to their own, not every woman is a feminist, most of them have brains. Besides, feminist lesbians are basically men anyway.
I wholeheartedly agree with you Johnny. Those feminists also claim that women have the right do to what they want, and that shouldn’t limit their choice of being a housewife/ SAHG. We all should be able to do what makes us happy regardless of our gender, people back in the day made SAHMs/SAHGs the social norm and now they are shaming all women that wish to stay in? What’s the difference then? C’mon one size doesn’t fit all!
” If there’s one thing I’m sure he’d like to change it is the way I cling to him when he gets home.”
Ewwwww! Does this woman not have a mind of her own? Interests other than her boyfriend?
I can’t believe Brokelyn has printed this because as Caroline has said, “this isn’t funny enough of a satire…”
” If there’s one thing I’m sure he’d like to change it is the way I cling to him when he gets home.”
Who wouldn’t? My boyfriend loves it when I do it to him. In fact, when he gets home, all he wants to do is cuddle.
hate the bragging tone of this article. congrats, you’ve become his mother while allowing your interests to fall to the sideline.
Why do you even care what she does?
If this article is for serious, I think it’s awesome. You sound like one hell of a lady.
Also, haters gonna hate.
Where is the: Look for a fucking Job Section?
Didn’t you read? She said she’s looking for a job!
has anyone else had the pleasure of googling the writer and reading her other articles? do it. do it now.
I don’t think you are a brainwashed, battered woman, but this blog post should be on the Redbook website, not Brokelyn. The tone and content of this article is regressive and sexist. It offers no useful advice to budget-minded people in Brooklyn.
gross. wtf?
My boyfriend is unemployed, and he cooks and cleans and helps out a lot, because when one partner is at work all day it makes sense for the partner who is home to do things to help out around the house.
However, I certainly hope that he feels nothing like what is described in this article. Cloying desperation is not attractive.
And I would never want anyone I was with to feel that way.
This is really dumb. Fo Real. You’re unemployed? How about trying to take a class or getting books from the library to teach yourself some new skills to help you get that job? What the hell.
It’s her life! Not yours! She can do whatever she wants!
This article has already been written, and it’s right here: http://www.snopes.com/language/document/goodwife.asp.
It sounds like you’re self-flagellating for being unemployed, and trying to show gratitude that your boyfriend is letting you live with him. That’s fine. But wow…
I think I can speak for lots of dudes in Brokelyn land and elsewhere, in saying that this definitely isn’t my style. But Quiana is sharing her very real personal story of why this worked for her and her friends, not necessarily dispensing advice on why you should do it too. The debate is interesting in terms of what people are willing to do when their chips are down. Are there any SAHBoyfriends out there too?
Not dispensing advice? Did you read the title of this article?
As the writer of this article, I’d like to clear up a few things. Firstly, it says that I do things, like cleaning after I have reached my resume submission limit for the day. I look for jobs every. single. day. I am not trying to show appreciation for my boyfriend for “allowing me to live with him” because we split the bills in half. EVERYTHING. the rent, the cable and whatever else. Being able to spend 8-10 hr home a day when before I spent them in an office gives me time to do a lot of things, including taking care of my boyfriend. I am a culinary school graduate, I love cooking, so if my love of cooking can also make my boyfriend happy, what is the problem with that? Cleaning up the house so that he doesn’t walk into a mess? Where is the problem in that? We both throw clothes on the floor and instead of stepping over them all day, I pick them up, because I am home. If the roles were reversed, he would be doing the same. I don’t only leave the house to booze with girlfriends, that’s just one of the many things i do. I read, I’m a freelancer writer, I go to outdoor markets because food is a passion of mine. Whether or not men find this ‘attractive’ or you think it’s regressive- I take pride in taking care of my house and my boyfriend while I am in between jobs. It is not something I will spend the rest of my life doing, but so long as I am between jobs, this is the way it will be.
Disturbing emphasis on gender roles aside, where are the suggestions for the cheap girls’ night outs you enjoy? Cheap salons so you can “keep yourself up”? Cheap recipes you make or restaurants you order from since you’re not spending like you used to? Why was this even printed on Brokelyn at all, except to revel in the icky feelings writing like “…there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is…I try very hard to keep my boyfriend happy and this is a key part of doing so” would inspire?
Sometimes I am the stay at home husband, and I LOVE to clean, cook and prepare the house for my wife when she gets home from work. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, and if you don’t go totally crazy, why not? Only thing is, I think your BF will miss these things when you get a job! :)
whoa i just barfed
I am a lady, and I gotta say when my boyfriend lost his job in the recession and I supported him as a stay at home boyfriend for 9 months, he did none of this. No cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, none of it. Perhaps if he had made some effort — not necessarily quite as much as the author of this article, but *some* effort to help out a bit extra around the house, as an expression of gratitude, and a way to take the pressure off me, who was a little stressed out by the burden of supporting us both — we might still be together.
All I have to say about the article is yikes. Not something I would expect coming from Brokelyn. There are at least four separate times where she talks about “keeping my boyfriend happy.” Was this supposed to be a Cosmo article?
Also, I’m not sure that ordering out every night for your boyfriend if you can’t cook is a very good idea considering that you don’t have a job. Not the best Brokelyn tip.
I’m with Alli (11:48am) – I wish the piece included more productive advice about how to spend time while unemployed (cooking, cleaning, etc), rather than the shoulds/should-nots about ‘feminine’ and domestic upkeep.
what in the hot hell? Is this a collaboration with The Onion you forgot to announce properly?
I’m about 99.44% sure this is actually written by a guy under a pseudonym.
As a husband who works from home for a startup for which I don’t get paid, I totally appreciate this article. It makes me see the many ways I can be a better stay-at-home husband for my wife. Thanks for writing this!
What I want to know is where do you keep the time machine that you used to go find this person in 1953 and beam her into 2011 long enough to write a blog post (I can only imagine how long it took to explain the whole internet thing)? Because I would really like to use it, myself.
lol I think you guys are kind of missing the point here… being unemployed sucks. Your budget is limited and there are but so many things you can do to fill your day, every day.
She DID say she was applying for jobs, hanging out with friends and going for walks, not sighing at her windowsill and crying over a pot roast until her boyfriend comes home for food and sex. Get real.
Besides, when you’re the only one working and paying the bulk of the bills because your domestic partner is unemployed, there’s really nothing wrong with your appreciative gf offering a cold beer, warm dinner, and awesome beej when you get home. Just sayin.
My boyfriend totally made/ordered me dinner when he was unemployed, and vice versa. It was awesome! Stay-at-homes FTW.
You are setting a bad, bad precedent for if you have children and want to stay home with them for any length of time. You are making a relationship with a man who thinks it is okay to be catered to, and you are teaching him that you are just the one to do it. It’s all fun and games now… but one day it won’t be.
I hope you are able to find a job soon. I know it’s extremely hard in this economy to do so. And I agree that the partner who is at home most of the day is contributing by handling housekeeping duties. The problem is that you seem wholly ignorant of the fact that these duties are traditionally and frequently still seen as “women’s work” even for women who are working outside the home. Your praise for these tasks as if it’s some sort of revelation that you can do them and feel like you’re helping isn’t helpful when you ignore centuries of stereotyping that have strangled women with the expectation that this is the only thing they are good for. The lack of framing makes this article problematic at best.
Also, “Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets. ”
Yeah, no. There are many, many things more important to a relationship than sex, like trust, loyalty, understanding, etc. I don’t think sex is unimportant, but it is much more about the expectations of both partners and whether their expectations mesh than “sex is the most important part OMG!”
Have you ever considered volunteering rather than primping, lunching and boozing before “sexy time?”
JEALOUS MuCH?
This reads like a woman’s guide to clinging to a man.
“I pick them up, because I am home. If the roles were reversed, he would be doing the same.”
There is no indication in this article that your man does anything but work and then come home and expect you to wait on him. You shouldn’t be surprised when people react the way they have.
You go girl, I have done the same thing. I enjoyed the time I was off and worked around the house, but I am glad to be back at work. I took advantage of the time off and changed my career to something that I enjoy doing everyday. Take advantage of your time with your boyfriend, when you go back to work you will be missed.
It sounds like you were doing all the domestic drudgery even when you had a job. You two are made for each other.
The issue isn’t what the author is doing — that’s her choice, and as plenty of commentors have said, they have been/would be happy doing the same. The issue is the patronizing tone that suggests that in the same situation this is what ALL women SHOULD be doing.
This is disgusting! At first I tried to give the author the benefit of the doubt, assuming that because she probably couldn’t pay her half of the bills, that she was making up for it in other ways. -BUT- Then I saw her comment in response to every readers’ comment about how sickening this article is, and she states that she DOES split the bills with him. So, this is SICK, SICK, SICK! You clearly do not garner any respect from him on any other level so you feel the need to make up for it in every single other department! Are you really that desperate or afraid that he won’t care for you unless you act like a maid/mother/sex slave? Come on! It’s one thing to do a little extra, but to go to this extent and then actually write an article on it advising others of your craziness! GET A LIFE … and some RESPECT for yourself! You’re mis-representing women everywhere with this CRAP!
So, she sucks for titillating your reactionary feminist itch, but she’s an especially horrible person because she still splits the bills? if anyone’s ‘misrepresenting’ women, it’d be you.
via Jessica Valenti: compare and contrast: http://jessicavalenti.com/app/uploads/2011/02/goodwife.jpg
You’ve seriously got to be kidding here. Nothing about the boyfriend’s role in this, helping her cope? And why are we assuming that the recession is leaving only girlfriends unemployed? I can’t imagine the same article being written if the roles were switched.
Definitely taking Brokelyn off my “relevant to life in 2011” list.
I guess when you’re with a man who left his fiancee and two kids for you (http://www.bvonlove.com/2011/02/07/im-the-other-woman/) you feel extra obligated to show you’re not just some piece of ass on the side? WTF
I’m sure Quiana is a smart lovely person with good intentions. Ultimately, though, we aren’t getting that from her article – we’re seeing the image of a pathetic, clingy girlfriend. If she didn’t want this type of reaction she should have crafted the article in a way to make it clear. This article could have been an examination of how one’s daily routine changes (but can still be fulfilling) while unemployed and looking for a job. That info is actually in there (who doesn’t want to find ways to keep looking and feeling good even if you’re on a budget?). A discussion about the psychological effect of one partner being unemployed would also be worthy. But the tone here is just a distraction and comment-bait.
Hilarious! Every paragraph made me laugh. Why haven’t you found a job writing comedy yet??
gimme a break commenters. its not anti-feminist or regressive to pick up more of the home chores when you are out of work and he is still working. it is also not anti-feminist to consciously CHOOSE a more traditional role in the household. And look – their relationship has gotten better – what does that tell you about what works and what doesn’t work? also – daily cleaning makes it easier to take a day off from cleaning because there is less build up.
As a man, the amount of women offended by this article worries me. She is not claiming that all women should do what she is doing. It’s a personal experience that she is sharing, and it’s something that she enjoys doing.
Just because you’re an ultra feminist and don’t feel like you should be “degraded” by cleaning up the house and fucking your boyfriend in your spare time doesn’t mean that other women don’t enjoy doing those things.
If my girlfriend lost her job, I wouldn’t EXPECT her to do any of these things. The fact that she isn’t moping around and crying about her unemployment is the real moral of this story.
yeah if youre unemployed and home all day, what the eff else are you going to do besides beat off and play video games? hobbies can only take up so much time. if a dude wrote this everyone would call it “progress”. get over yourselves.
haters gonna hate! (probably after dropping their laundry off for someone else to do because they have no concept of “cleaning” anyway)
It seems that the only tips for broke folks in this post are in the form of money-saving DIY female grooming habits.
As far as the rest of the message, it seems pretty irrelevant from what (I thought) Brokelyn’s mission was.
I’m disappointed in your choice of content, Brokelyn.
How SAHG works in my sahggy house: I barter with my boyfriend if he buys me a Vietnamese sandwich, I will swifer. Conversely, he barters if I walk the dog, he will do the dishes. 21st century win.
If you think wanting to make your boyfriend happy makes you a bad feminist than I think you’re doing it wrong. You criticize the man behind this woman as sounding entitled but then say she shouldn’t do anything for him. That’s a double standard.
Every single negative comment here makes some major assumptions about the author and her SO that I did not find in the text. Not every guy is a douche, though sadly many are. Being bitter and being pro-feminist is not the same thing.
I have a friend who has a double master’s degree and has rocketed to the head of his department in a major corporation because of his tenacity and work ethic. He brings this same approach to dating. If he’s going to be someone’s boyfriend he’s going to be The Best Boyfriend ever. To me, that’s what this sounds like. The author is going for a raise or promotion at home because she’s not currently working. What’s more self possessed than that? It sounds to me like she’s working this hard to remind herself she’s capable, proficient, and successful in this down period between jobs. It sounds a lot healthier than moping around the house all day.
Take the boyfriend out of this story and make it about a girl who gets up early, sends out resumes all day, and manages to keep her home in order and have an active social life and you’ve got a hero. Add in a boyfriend and suddenly she’s a kept woman. Get over it.
You’ve “gotten the whole domestic thing down to a science”? Sort of like how creationism is a “science”? I’ve been a stay-at-home-wife for almost 10 years and there’s no way “a large part of my […] schedule is based on keeping my [man] happy.” My husband married me because he thinks I’m a fascinating person with ideas of my own — not because I’m someone who will pick up his wet towels because he can’t be arsed to do it.
Maybe it’s just single guy talking here, but most of the content here could have been easily addressed (except, I suppose, the sex part) with an article about how to survive in a place as the roommate who lost his/her job. Less sexual politics involved, and the part about picking up the place when you’re home all day comes across more as common courtesy and less as a passage from a finishing school textbook.
I also agree that most of the tips aren’t exactly Brokelyn-friendly tips. What NYC restaurants have good lunch specials where you can drink a bottle of wine? How are you saving money when arranging dinner?
The emphasis on “I try to keep my boyfriend happy” was creepy in that foot-binding, lip-liner tattoo kind of way. Maybe go with “I like to keep our relationship happy and healthy.” You know, because there are two of you there?
As a result of my own job loss, I’m technically a stay-at-home wife. The apartment is much cleaner than it was when I was employed – we used to pay my brother to do our dishes – and I cook more.
However, my husband is a grown-ass adult, and can figure out breakfast for himself if he wants it. He’s also figured out how to pour his own beverage, too. Sleeping past when he leaves for work doesn’t make me lazy, either. I did that Ben Franklin shit when I had a real job, and it didn’t make me healthier, wealthier, and wiser. Also, sleeping past 6 is lazy, but going to booze at lunch specials isn’t? Spoiler alert: Betty Draper ended up unhappy, too.
There are plenty of “real” reasons for not being dtf whenever your man is around, like, say, being depressed about how crushingly badly your job search is going, or worn out from cleaning the outside of your windows, or just plain not feeling like it. If you both have high sex drives, that’s great that it works for you, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I also promise you that all men do not have off-the-chart libidos and would go to any length to get it from anyone halfway attractive – that’s sexist against men, and keeps them from talking about having lower sex drives for fear of being considered “not masculine.”
Also, at davedavedave: why in the hell shouldn’t she be moping and crying about it? We’ve bled a ridiculous amount of jobs overseas, unemployment will be high even when the economy improves at first, minimum wage hasn’t covered the cost of living in quite some time, and the unemployed are talked about like we chose to lose our jobs.
Wow. Some of y’all need to keep calm and carry on. I don’t see anything wrong with “taking care of home” while your boyfriend’s at work. Sometimes women take women’s lib too…seriously, for lack of a better word. Surely, I want to be paid the same for doing the same job and no man should EXPECT me to be cooking and cleaning all the damn time…but if I WANT to cook and clean (and “put it down” in the bedroom), that shouldn’t mean I’m unearthing the Cult of Domesticity. And how dirty and dumb would you look sitting up in a messy apartment all day while your man’s at work because you…shouldn’t be expected to do the cleaning..? The girl was working a corporate gig for four years…I’m sure she’s no dumb blonde in an apron.
JESUS CHRIST
Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets. Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets. Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets. Everyone knows there is nothing more important in a relationship than that special time between the sheets.
Great satire.
@Sarah
The author of this story isn’t moping around, she’s actively looking for a new position every day. I lost my job at one point in my career and the LAST thing I wanted to do was mope around. I don’t have the time and/or money to mope around.
Sitting around and crying/complaining to everyone that you lost your job doesn’t do you or anyone else any good. It shouldn’t make you feel better about your situation. Being productive and actively making an effort to improve your life while job searching is probably one of the best things you can do in a time of struggle such as being unemployed.
Great article. I was a stay at home girlfriend once upon a time and I did a lot of these same things. I actually really enjoyed being able to “take care of my man” while I was looking for a job. The feminist movement was all about us having the choice to spend our days as we wanted, not to be told how to do it. Props to you. And good luck with the job search!
LMAO-nade, right?
I had to read this a couple of times, since I came into it preparing to be offended as a twenty-something woman. And I am, but not just for the reasons I expected. I think the real issue isn’t what the author actually does all day (I did read her entry in the comments) but that she just doesn’t write well about it. If you’re going to highlight the stereotypical aspects of your day (your boyfriend “like any other busy person getting ready in the morning, he throws his clothes on the floor, takes a shower and leaves the floor wet etc.” and “I am aware that a large part of my unemployment schedule is based on keeping my boyfriend happy, so having time to myself away from the confines of my living room really makes my own life better.”) then you should have done a better job of satirizing yourself. But since it seems you’re serious, which is dumbfounding, because 1- your boyfriend sounds like a pig and 2- you lost any opportunity to be at all helpful to women in the same situation by omitting the productive things you’re doing for yourself and your career, not just your relationship.
Feminism is about choices. All of our choices are not made in a social vacuum. Some may choose to shave their legs because society tells them to, their man prefers it, or they feel better conforming to an arbitrary standard. It isn’t a feminist choice. Even the best feminists will not always be able to make feminist choices, which is fine and dandy, because you will /have/ to compromise sometime. It still doesn’t mean that particular choice is empowering.
@Emily Stearley
I concur!
I don’t see why this isn’t okay, if she LIKES doing it.
None of this Feminazi crap…
The problems that women are having with this article aren’t the practical suggestions being made, it’s the obnoxious, bubbly Chick-Lit tone it takes in its desperate attempt to force some sort of Womens’ Magazine spin on what amounts to some fairly standard non-gender-specific advice for the newly unemployed.
Whether you’re someone’s girlfriend, boyfriend, or — the horor! — single, staying in the habit of waking up in the morning is a good idea for any job hunter. So is finding satisfaction in keeping your appearance up, your apartment taken care of, and making more of a point of keeping up with friends and getting out of the apartment more often. Doing nice things for your significant other will help give you things to feel good about in the absence of the sense of accomplishment work gives you, and again, this is equally true for both genders.
The the feminine angle that the article’s author kept trying to shoehorn onto the article was simply off-putting, whether you took it as being indicative of a regressive take on gender roles, or as an insultingly clumsy and artless attempt to sell something old and stale to women just by repackaging it in pink and lace.
This is so pathetic, and I feel bad for you.
I find that if this weren’t so heavily gendered (and if we cut the sex part out) this would be an excellent guide to how to maintain a relationship where you are unemployed and your partner is not. A lot of these address the complaints I’ve heard from girls who are the breadwinners dating men who have gotten laid off.
As it stands, though, there’s a lot of expecting the woman- regardless of employment status- to do all the home stuff. Both men who are the at home partner and men who, like the author’s BF, are the employed one expect women to please them. And it shouldn’t be about that. It should be about shared responsibility and respect.
(and WTF is the staying out of his way to make him happy? You cleaned and cooked and pampered him. That should make his ass at least thankful.)
Unframe the gender expectations and the general internalized lack of respect for the stay at home partner and this wouldn’t be nearly as offensive.
That said, my comments are in respect to the article. What she chooses to do is her choice, though I have a low opinion of the amount of love and respect her partner actually gives her after this.
I understand what you mean–I think.
You are keeping your relationship/living arrangement flowing smoothly while in this phase of jobless-to-job transition.
Your intentions are good enough, but this article really leaves an unsettling feeling. While staying so perfectly ‘on top’ of this situation, you are setting the bar impossibly high. You may be job searching/resume sending, but it sounds like the majority of your time goes to making everything perfect for your boyfriend.
You may be quite independent in some ways, but this all sounds so codependent.
I have been a stay at home girlfriend before and while I did all of this stuff SOMETIMES, I didn’t treat it as an obligation. The problem many have with this article is the I’m-a-better-girlfriend-than-you tone of it. None of it makes u a good girlfriend and not doing it doesn’t make u a bad one.
If anything you should really work on your selfesteem a bit. Soak this in and use it as learning moment, instead of defending yourself (poorly, I might add).
Looks like the feminazis have been here.
Ugh. It’s not even about women’s lib…. the fact that you wrote this article just shows how lame you are.
Get a life.
Feminists are ugly inside and out.
OK I’m going to need everyone to unbunch their panties for 3.7 seconds.
What is wrong with taking care of your significant other???? Isn’t that what a good healthy relationship is?? I was a SAHG for nine months this past year and I took care of my then-bf (now fiance) in a very Betty Crocker way too. Incidentally, he took care of me during this time in the way that makes me love him everyday; calling me throughout the day with funny stories, bringing me silly little gifts, picking a movie I mentioned wanting to watch on Netflix, cheering me up whenever I was bumming about not having a job [I am only mentioning examples in an effort to head off the already foreseen haters. He didn’t only take care of me financially – like the author, I still paid half of ALL the bills with my unemployment checks, etc].
When we were both employed we cooked at home almost every night. What was I supposed to do when I got laid off? Go on strike from cooking? To what end? I was home all day, he was working – was I supposed to wait for him to get home from working a 9 hour day at his bank to help me cook? That’s just mean.
Same for cleaning: we would usually get all our cleaning in on weekends because who wants to come home to scrub floors after a grueling day at the office? Why should that logic no longer hold cause one of us is unemployed? So again, I was home all day – why wouldn’t I tackle the housekeeping chores little by little in all my free time?
I think a lot of commenters are overlooking a very big part of being unemployed (that I think you need to live through to understant): it is VERRRRY hard to fill 8-9 hours a day with things to do that make you feel productive and accomplished when your $$ means are limited. And we DO try. Like the author, I filled my days with volunteering, walks, socializing, sometimes shopping, sometimes just sitting in the park with my dog, reading, etc. But 40 hours a week is HARD to fill when you’re not expected at an office.
So you have to find other things to keep you busy between resume-ing and whatever cheap ways you can find to entertain yourself. So if you like to cook and having a nice house and having a happy appreciative significant other WHAT THE HECK IS THE HARM??? We should all just sit at home eating bon bons to show how progressive we are?? PASS!!!!
Regardless of the feminist nonsense, I have two things. Firstly, I also agree with Alli (11:48am) — what does this have to do with BROKElyn? If this had given me cheap recipes, cheap workout ides, cheap beauty secrets, cheap places to go to fill your time, etc. – Awesome. But it didn’t! It was just your day – and why would I care about your day?
Secondly, my husband and my schedule make it so I’m “stay at home” when he’s working and vice-versa. Example: He’s working this week and I’m off (as a public school teacher). He works all summer while I’m home. He is home all winter while I’m teaching. But we make our own damn breakfasts, our own dinners, and clean up after our own selves. Sure, this week I scrubbed the bathroom and not him – but it wasn’t just because I was off from work – it’s because I chose to do it.
I really do not understand your choices – but again, what I REALLY don’t understand is why I should care about your choices – I do not read some random person’s personal blog – I read Brokelyn for cheap tips for living in Brooklyn.
http://gawker.com/#!5767330/the-stay+at+home-girlfriend-really-can-have-it-all
Brokelyn, I’m usually a fan, but this post makes me nauseous.
Quiana is experiencing here what my wife experienced when she decided to stay home with the kids. She would get so infuriated with the irrational condescension of women who worked full time. Her take was that if you don’t validate their life choices, they hate you.
Quiana didn’t even choose this situation, she’s just making the best of it. She’s in a holding pattern while she applies for jobs, and with the extra several hours she has, she’s trying to make someone she loves happier by doing a bunch of little things. And she clearly states that her partner feels grateful, not entitled. But she’s not validating other women’s life choices, so they hate her.
Quiana – I’m sorry you lost your job and I hope you find one soon. I know how frustrating it can be.
I was in this same situation once, but it wasn’t with a boyfriend. After graduation, one of my best friends very generously let me live with her while I was looking for a job and she expected nothing in return. If you haven’t been through something like this, I honestly think you have no room to bitch about what she says here. I did the dishes, would fold her laundry if it was in the dryer (it’s kind of weird to do your friend’s laundry, so I didn’t go out of my way to do it), kept the living room and bathroom clean, made dinner every night, and had a beer open and waiting for her when she got home. And I applied to about ten billion jobs a day. Does that mean I set back the feminist movement because I was kind and helpful in regards to domestic duties when someone else was providing for me? Or is it different because she was just a friend? No, I didn’t have sex with her, since we’re both heterosexual, but I never complained when she wanted to do something that I didn’t particularly want to (watch a show on tv, go to some movie, etc). And, I always tell my boyfriend now that if I lost my job, I’d revert back to that sort of mentality – when unemployed, take care of the house so that the working person doesn’t have to. I’d expect him to do the same, and I personally know of at least 2 relationships that have failed because the male partner didn’t think that was the way it should be when he was unemployed.
GAG. Yeah, I’m not going to be cleaning up after my boyfriend, he’s a goddamn adult and can do it himself. It’s great you enjoy doing a lot of this stuff, but it definitely shouldn’t be the expected duties of a girlfriend, even if she stays at home.
“I am a lady, and I gotta say when my boyfriend lost his job in the recession and I supported him as a stay at home boyfriend for 9 months, he did none of this. No cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, none of it. Perhaps if he had made some effort — not necessarily quite as much as the author of this article, but *some* effort to help out a bit extra around the house, as an expression of gratitude, and a way to take the pressure off me, who was a little stressed out by the burden of supporting us both — we might still be together.”– Exactly. That is EXACTLY what I experienced. Sounded so familiar I had to make sure I hadn’t written this.
This is just gross.
Feminism is about choice….unless your choice offends feminazis or does nice things for boyfriends. please ignore all the feminist nastiness.
I mean, I get that this was probably supposed to be funny… or something, but frankly I didn’t quite get it. Instead of focusing on being a progressive woman and showing everyone what a go-getter you are to acquire a new job, you just go on and on about how to be a 1950’s house wife. People work 9-5 jobs and find the time to cook, and clean after themselves. It’s not like he can’t contribute if you needed to do something a little more, uh… constructive with your time. I have to agree with the posts before which point out your codependency & the fact that you’ve let your career fall to the sidelines while you’re busy wiping up your boyfriends dirty shower water.
I just want to agree completely with this article. I also have been out of full time work so i think my boyfriend enjoys the fact that I can be home all the time and take care of the little things he cant do with his 12hr work week. I don’t believe that this is setting women back any differently because I think we all strive to get back into the working world. But for the time being why not be the best girlfriend you can be and do the little things to keep your man happy while you have all the free time.
Wow, you grew up.
Bravo.
How long did it take you to realize what being an adult means?
My girl friend did this, and we liked it so much we got married. I think it keeps us both sane.
The Douche
I’ve been a “SAHG” (blechhh – that term!) for the better part of two years now (I work freelance, intern two days a week and work from home on occasion) and while I appreciate the idea behind the article, I wish that there was a less breezy tone to the whole piece. I too do the bulk of the housework, because yes, it does make sense that I should do it since I’m home all day long and I cook most of our meals for the same reason. However, I also spend a lot of time feeling like a loser who can’t get a job. My “SAHG” unemployed friends suffer from the same lack of self esteem, feel frustrated that their financial limitations don’t allow them to take advantage of their newfound free time and deal with the resentment towards partners who feel like we should clean the house, run their errands and basically act like their personal assistants because we don’t have anything *better* to do with our lives.
Oh, heavens. A majority of folks are going to FREAK OUT over this. I know, because unless I know someone well, I don’t share the details of my personal situation.
I, too, am a (mostly) Stay-at-home-GirlFriend. I worked a full schedule before I moved in with my boyfriend. But when I sold my house and moved 1000 miles to live with him, I gave up my living-out-of-a-suitcase lifestyle and seriously cut back on my client work. I am in my 40’s and he is in his 50’s.
Our financial situation is quite different in that he can afford to support both of us. I work about 1- hours a week – enough to pay my car payment, insurance, and for things like my nails and hair.
Like the writer of this blog post, I believe that my role is to truly make the house we live in a home. I get up when my boyfriend does, fix his lunch box to take to the office, do the household errands, do the laundry, and put a restaurant quality meal on the table 5 nights a week.
Like the writer, I believe I should look my best when he comes home (I often wait to shower until my BF is on his way home, so my make-up and hair will be fresh).
My BF works hard and treats me like a princess. Why shouldn’t I provide him with a loving, peaceful home environment and spoil him a little?
The “libbers” will say that she is setting them back when the real definition of liberation is being free to make your own choices and choosing a lifestyle that is right for YOU. This seems to be a great choice for Ms.Stokes, one in which she is happy and thriving.
The whiners and complainers and ones who are freaking out should take a good long look int he mirror and maybe they’ll realize that their outrage over Ms. Stokes choices stem around their own dissatisfaction with their personal lives. Do I see a a few green-eyed monsters lurking about?
Many of the posters above lack reading comprehension skills and it’s pretty darn scary.
THANK YOU. I am the boyfriend in a very turbulent relationship and this perspective is refreshing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for putting this out there.
If the tables were turned, and I was unemployed like Mr. Mom, you better believe that house would be spic and span AND I’d do everything in my power to take care of my significant other.
Ok I understand that it feels good to be there for your boyfriend 24 hours a day, and you have all this free time you don’t know what to do with. But don’t you have family? Like why does your boyfriend consume all of your time? Personally, I don’t think it’s healthy to put 100% of your time into one person. Hey whatever makes you happy…wait are you happy?
@ caroline I’m sorry that your experience with unemployed has this layer of unpleasantness to it. But really is it Quiana’s fault that she’s found a way to cope with her new situation that keeps her happy? Shouldn’t we be happy for her that she doesn’t have to “deal with the resentment towards partners who feel like we should clean the house, run their errands and basically act like their personal assistants because we don’t have anything *better* to do with our lives”. Her self-esteem seems fine from where I’m sitting and what’s more she seems happy to be doing these things for her bf while she has the time…
Don’t listen to the haters.. you seem like a very reasonable, educated person. I think a lot of comments here just need a reason to be angry and are thus choosing to ignore your multiple clear indications that you are looking for a job. Why not choose to make your partner happy in the meantime, especially while he is supporting you? Makes perfect sense to me. I’m a feminist and a fellow modern woman and I wholly support you.
I’m just hoping this article is actually a fine example of the art of reeeally subtle satire.
I don’t have a problem with the actual activities; you’re staying busy and productive during an unemployment period. My problem is with the emphasis on doing it all FOR your boyfriend. I didn’t pick up on any great sense of self-worth in your tone, which is what upsets me most. You’d better make damned sure he’d be willing to do all of these things for you if the tables suddenly turned.
It’s pretty funny to see the comments raging against those damn evil feminazis for making negative comments against this article…even though most of those comments are merely critical of the author’s clumsy attempts to force gender into a concept where it is entirely unnecessary. Oh noes, save me from the evil feminazis, they’re discussing gender again! How dare they!
Let’s put a few things into perspective here folks. If it were a man at home doing these things he would be cited a hero. If he were at home and NOT doing these things, he would be a bum and a loser. Oddly, the outrage by women is only lending to your own stereotype.
I think the article would be more appropriately titled “How to maintain some remnant of your sanity while seeking gainful employment” as opposed to a guide on how to be a good little wifey.
I left my place of employment voluntarily in anticipation of a better job, which fell through. In the last two weeks I’ve finished cross-stitching my daughter’s birth annoucement (she’s 3), taken up knitting and become obsessed with cooking and baking. I should mention that I am a single mother with two small children and could never imagine being a so called “kept” woman. However, I am often described as a carrear driven bitch with no soul whereas a male counterpart would likely be described as ambitious.
We perpetuate our own stereotypes, folks and this article is a perfect example of exactly that.
O.k. so if there is ANYTHING POSITIVE I can take from this article, or the writer it’s that I do have a future in journalism. If this chick can get paid to NOT write a well thought artcile that probes REAL issues, I should be set. One less bitch to compete with.
Now, as far as being a woman goes, everything written here is pretty pathetic. Kind of reminds me of the princess Eddie Murphy was set to marry (cough – settle for- cough) had he not made the decision to look for REAL beauty in “Coming to America”.
Let he/she who has been happily married for at least five years cast the first stone.
Who cares what feminists think, theyre mostly ugly anyway.
Bwahahahaha! Well done, Quiana. Very nice. Hope you are enjoying the comments! Delicious.
I’m trying to figure out what about this has everyone’s panties in a bunch.
She is living off of someone. Is she not suppose to contribute?
I am a woman, and I FULLY expect my partner to do this stuff if he were unemployed. When we both were working, and the house wasn’t clean, it wasn’t a big deal b/c I know we both don’t have time. But when one person is at home ALL day, you mean to tell me you people wouldn’t get pissed if that person didn’t clean up.
Ánd as for the sex part, if that how she likes to show her damn appreciation for the dude, why not? This article sounds like someone who is uncomfortable w/ her economic situation and is trying to ensure that her home life stays in order too, to keep one less thing off her plate.
I’m trying to figure out what you guys expect. If some stranger was living in my house, I’d fully expect that person to cook and clean too, as his contribution to the household.
Just b/c a woman is doing something associated w/ “woman’s work” doesn’t make it wrong. We are SUPPOSED to contribute when are in a relationship where we live together.
This’d be another story if she came home from work then cleaned, cooked, and had sex on command. But she’s just trying to have a useful role in the household, for the time being.
thanks for writing this! about a year ago I was in the same situation and it’s much harder from the inside that it looks.
when you’re a naturally busy person who ties their value to their work, being unemployed is terrifying. not only was being a sahg in the manner you describe above a way to make me feel less guilty for my boyfriend financially supporting me (honestly, if he’s paying the rent, it’s just downright polite to keep the place tidy and help cut down on other expenses by cooking in, etc – if you had any friend staying at your house for an extended period of time for free you’d want them to contribute) but it also made me feel like I was still contributing my efforts to the world at large rather than just being a sad sack sending out resume after resume. Knowing that I was performing needed services helped boost my confidence – and as anyone thats been there knows, the horrible erosion of self worth from not having a job can really quickly start to come out in interviews, cover letters, etc.
Were they the services I wanted to be doing? No. Did I have a revelation and realize this was where I belonged as a woman? Hell no. If anything, the longer I had to do housework the more I wanted to never me a stay at home anything.
It never overshadowed the fulltime job that is searching for work – and my boyfriend was kind, supportive, and constantly helping to boost my efforts in the job market.
It’s making the best of a bad situation and finding what you can do where you can do it.
My one worry for you if you haven’t hit the stage where you’re back out working a full time job yet – it took a LONG time for the weight of household chores to go back to how it should be (a reasonably equal agreement both people are okay with). In the several months I was job hunting, my boyfriend got used to me doing all of the chores and when I went back to work, it never occurred to him that I didn’t have the time any more and he needed start to do the chores he did before I didn’t work. It wasn’t derogatory or rude – he simply got used to me handling all of the errands and household stuff and got spoiled.
all the women hating on this girl sound so ignorant and insecure. grow up.
This article got posted on Gawker Media which is a sad testament to the fact that Gawker Media is no longer capable of posting original content and instead has been reduced to piggy backing off of other more original blogs like this one. At least this time they had the decency to properly attribute their source.
Really all I can say is, you are a fucking idiot. I can’t believe you are promoting what you have as a healthy relationship, when what it really sounds like is indentured servitude.
UGH. WHAT does she think will happen when she is working again and WHAT does she think would happen if he was the one out of work. Is he going to prance around all day dreaming up ways to make her happy when she comes home? No he will probably wake up at noon play the sims for 3 hours and then maybe stop at the store and buy some ground beef to make a couple burgers later.
I was a SAHG (but working part time) while my bf was working a full time job and I agree with the basic principle of taking on more responsibility. But following behind him and not expecting him to perform basic tasks “like any busy person” is kind of ridiculous! If you want to sleep in an extra hour DO IT. If he thinks you sleep until noon F$#% him and if you do sleep until noon and he has a problem with it F#$@ him too.
My boyfriend was also a SAHB (working part time while I worked full) and often after he came home (working 5am to noon) he would end up napping most of the day until I got home, I didn’t berate him for it. If he wanted to do something more useful, that’s up to him. He definitely took more responsibility in cooking meals but I still helped. And I still expected him to help when I was SAHG. No matter how each person spends their day, at the end of the day, everyone just wants to sit on their ass (or keep sitting on their ass) and do whatever they want instead of chores.
Most men and women in their 20s who are living together are just starting to figure out their living styles, how they clean, put together meals, pay the bills, etc. For the most part our parents have been doing this for us and in college it didn’t matter. But now we are adults and it starts to matter and you need to figure out your place in the household.
If you don’t let people who don’t know how to or don’t want to clean up after themselves that they need to clean up after themselves, THEY WON’T and they won’t even know how! That being said, they should learn how to do it their own way on their own time or they will resent you and you will end up doing it anyway because you are a perfectionist/control freak.
In the end, take care of your significant other, take care of yourself, and live with someone who also takes care of you regardless of how each of you spend your days. SHARE responsibilities and keep your own passions, if you don’t you aren’t going to have anything to talk about when they get home from work EXCEPT how you need more toilet cleaner and that is F$#%@ STUPID.
Here’s the thing. First of all – poorly written article. Generic, lame, no personality and trying to fake personality. These are stock phrases she’s used and this READs like something from back in the day. There’s no wit.
Then you got the “give your man sex whenever he wants it”.
Yeah, that’s a wtf. Gender rolls reversed, we gonna go “give her head whenever she wants it?” I mean, sounds good in theory but….Sex is not like that. The way the author phrased that is, as others have pointed out, CREEPY verging on sick you-need-help time.
The tone of this article is off. It suggests that there’s a skewed power dynamic. Probably mostly it’s that sex thing, and the “keep your man happy” comments. But also, “talk about something other than toilet cleaner” aside from being a lazy sentence gives the idea that she isn’t spending her time engaged in any deeper thoughts. Why would anyone be talking about toilet cleaner? Is that what you’re thinking about during the day? Even when I’m doing the dishes, I don’t actually think about the dishes. I’ve got things going on in my brain, thoughts, ideas, plans, books I’ve read, movies, friends, etc.
So the whole thing just seems passe.
What is wrong with you people? What Quiana has just described is nothing more than a JOB description. What she is doing is WORK. And all of you have no right to make her feel bad about a choice that she made. This isn’t indentured servitude. She’s a girlfriend who happens to sustain herself by going above and beyond the call of normal girlfriend duty. And when she’s done with this job, she’s told us that she will move on to another job. Everything she does adds value to another person’s life, which is what any job would do.
So pour some water on your burning bras and chill out.
This girl sounds supersweet, but I don’t think she should be doling out relationship advice. “sex whenever he wants it” is not the way to healthy relationship territory. Sex is a delicate balancing act. If you don’t know why you should ever “deny” a partner sex, you’re out of whack in the power dynamic, or just a kinky sub (which is fine, just don’t advocate it for everyone!)
PEOPLE: this is why folks is gettin’ creeped out by this… The girl has has in the past some VERY BAD takes on relationships. I hope she’s got a BANGIN’ one now and is superblissed, but there’s some remaining messed-upness in her thinking that is showing thru in this article…
Here she talks about a past experience with an engaged (to someone else) man:
I helped him find a pet for his kids, buy a classic car and restore it, and I even helped him plan a family vacation for his daughter’s birthday. I never told him no.
When he would call me, it would be from a blocked home or cell phone number
I started to feel bad. I thought I’d ruined his life.
When I finally started to end it with him, he berated me.
The women’s lib arguments here are naive. If you replaced “boyfriend” with “best friend” and took out the sex so you are couch surfing with a college friend that also helped you out financially, you would be a complete asshole for not keeping the place clean and doing errands.
you guys, pay attention: HE IS NOT SUPPORTING HER. SHE STILL PAYS FOR HALF OF EVERYTHING.
“I am not trying to show appreciation for my boyfriend for “allowing me to live with him” because we split the bills in half. EVERYTHING.”
that’s what i call motherfucking idiocy. how on earth does he deserve any of this if he’s not even helping her out while she’s unemployed?
maybe in her vapid, clingy little head she thinks she should be doing it, or even enjoys doing it (especially all that sex she has to give even when she’s not in the mood! SO HEALTHY!), but that doesn’t make this any less miserable. what a nightmare.
“All in all, I think being unemployed has made us closer. He gets a clean house and dinner…”
Feminism is about choices. And you know what else it is about? Equality.
I can’t imagine the kind of relationship this person has if it seems to be based on sex, a clean apartment, and dinner waiting for him at home.
Also the photos of the woman cleaning in the french maid outfit? yeah, classy, all the way.
Also, as clearly indicated by you living in Greenpoint and your mention of your previous weekly trips to the salon and $60 cooch waxes, and your current booze-filled lunches…you are clearly in good financial shape. Unemployment for the rest of the world is not so fun. Unemployment for most of the people in this country doesn’t mean you have to start ordering the lunch special and dye your own hair, it means a threat of hunger and homelessness.
Wait….this is satire, right? Please tell me this is satire….
Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.
This sentence is just so wrong. Fer starters, the BEST sex is sometimes during one’s period. Passions are a-raging and while that can make for some moodiness it can also make for awesome curl your toes sex.
Second, would ya feel the same way if the situation were reversed?
Or, contrarily, would you feel like he had all the MORE reason not to have sex with you… like, “cause he was feeling down” for instance? Or, no – he’s supposed to just be up and ready to satisfy you any time you want it because he’s… well rested?? Weird, that’s all I’m saying.
Then…
“I’m sure he’d like to change it is the way I cling to him when he gets home. After spending a large part of the week talking only to myself, having him walk through the door ready to talk about something other than toilet cleaner….”
wft?
I hope your self dialogue is about more than toilet cleaner. and I’m sure it is, this is just sloppy writing. I hate to hate, but…. this is not just a sweet an innocent article. I read the article linked to, and this woman -cool though she undoubtably is- has had some SERIOUS SELF ESTEEM ISSUES that I don’t think have all just “been resolved” already. Not hating, just saying… there’s an undercurrent in this article of giving advice that should NOT be taken under any circumstances! Unless – you thought the 1950’s were wicked awesome in the relationship paradigm.
I don’t see anywhere in the article where she says her boyfriend has an expectation of this behavior or told her “this is how it is going to be.”
I must say the article made me uncomfortable, but I can’t really put into words what it was, it may be the somewhat SITC vibe it had. But, I think if she is honestly happy with the situation and he is honestly happy with the situation it isn’t setting any movement back any years. The feminist movement was/is about having choices to do what it is you wanted, not being limited by your sex or being required to do certain things/prohibited from doing certain things. Saying she CAN’T do these things is just as bad as saying she MUST.
I am a SAHW/M with a part time job, and while adding kids to the mix does change it, I do keep the house clean, and the laundry done, and the grocery shopping done, that is part of my JOB as a SAHW/M. I’d love to have the time to spend on my personal appearance beyond “is What Not To Wear going to kidnap me at the store,” I just don’t have that time, but if I DID have that time, I would (and when I do, I do). Not FOR my husband, but because when I’ve taken care of myself I feel good. When I feel good I am able to take life’s bumps more in stride, when I feel good I’m happy. And when I’m happy I’m more giving to my husband and my family. It makes a nice circle.
So really, while the tone of the article made me uncomfortable, the actual substance of it isn’t offensive/oppressive at all.
Girl, do some shit YOU want to do. Clean the house for YOU, not your boyfriend. Cook dinner for YOU. Have sex because YOU are horny. Jesus. Its not so much what you’re doing, it’s your attitude about it. You’re living for someone else, which OBVIOUSLY is going to come off as clingy.
I’ve got a fair amount of experience with unemployment, and unless you’re in such a terrible financial situation that you’re living on the street, the key to surviving it is to use the time wisely. This has a range – personal projects, weird things you would never do otherwise, hanging out on roofs drinking 40s and making stupid videos, whatever. It’s a breakup of the monotony of everyday existence, and should not, under any circumstances, be replaced with the drudgery of being a housekeeper and functional blow-up sex doll.
I wish my wife was more like you instead of the fat lazy slob she’s become.
Ek, I like your style. Wanna write for Brokelyn? Seriously.
I know you’re unemployed, Quiana, but PLEASE don’t try and become a writer. SO not funny or interesting or particularly illuminating. In fact, this piece is infuriating. Not so much for the situation, but for the submissive anti-feminist attitude. There was a way to do this funny & satirical, but this was not it.
I really like this article! Although many commenters find it regressive, I think we need to face the reality that the jobs are just not out there right now. Women who are lucky enough to have a man who can support them shouldn’t just sit on their asses all day burning their bras. I’m set to graduate with a PhD in math in December, but if the job market fails me I fully intend to be a good SAHG. What other option is there?
Also, if you are hell bent on achieving this perfect domestic image, I suggest reading “Ordinary People.” You can see how well it works out for the characters there.
“Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.”
maybe this will help: http://bit.ly/fFm4vg
Wow…the tone coming from so many people on this thread is very sad. She’s just making lemonade out of the lemons she’s been dealt! She’s still trying to find a job – no reason to banish her from the sisterhood you guys!
I was unemployed for over a year…and I could relate to pretty much every aspect of her story! I wasn’t living with my boyfriend, but still would go out of my way to cook more nice dinners for him. I also found new, fun and creative ways to let him know how much he meant to me. It was a luxury I could never have realized before – because I was TOO BUSY getting my MBA at night and traveling the world as a VP for a very large international company. I was not enjoying a healthy work/life balance. The time away from my career helped me re-set my priorities…like real love, family, health and happiness. If she truly loves this boyfriend…there’s NOTHING wrong with what she’s doing! Life is not all about Gucci bags and getting ahead, girls. It sounds like a few people here could benefit from a major priority re-set as well!
First off, let me start this comment by saying that it is hard to be unemployed for any length of time. I know that you must feel frustrated and inadequate – I did not have a job for a full year and I felt depressed, to say the least.
Now, here’s a couple of clues for you to mull over:
1. Your writing skills are sub par, at best. This article/blog suffers from an intense case of LACK OF EDITING or PROOFREADING. If you would like to get your point across, I suggest going over what you are going to discuss. Your topic and points sound disjointed. I don’t really get a sense of what kind of tips you’re spinning at me to live on the cheap in Brooklyn. Okay, so you like to have a three martini lunch with appetizers. How cheap are they? Where are these magical restaurants? What else do you do to save money or maintain a specific lifestyle? Therefore, having a proper framework will make your writing flow. Also, I can’t tell if this piece is satire or not. I’m assuming it is not.
2. Look, feminism is about choices, which means that you have the power to do things that you WANT to do. And if this is your gig, go forth and be happy. Are you happy? Do you want to clean all the time? Perhaps, instead of staring at the walls, job ads, and Swifer mops – you might want to do something with yourself that could possibly BENEFIT you. Take a class, volunteer (helping OTHERS might actually be a good idea), go to the gym/exercise outdoors, spend time with friends, seek out a mentor, go to networking and professional events. There are many cheap or free things you can do, after all, you live in the NYC area with tons of resources at your fingertips. There are loads of places that have pay-what-you-can yoga sessions and even, free or cheap classes at learning institutions/local colleges. Volunteer at a shelter or work with abandoned animals. There are always others that need help.
If you did more with your time, then you wouldn’t have to cling to your boyfriend like a wet mop. Or, you’d have something to add to the conversation besides how many pairs of socks you folded. And who cares, right? He’s just going to throw it on the ground. But, you’ll pick it up.
3. “Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.” Your attitude about sex is disturbing. I’m not spouting some feminazi mantra here, but what about when you want to have sex? Is he always ready and willing? While I was in grad school, my ex-boyfriend (mid-20s at the time) was laid off from a job and like many others, he was depressed. He wasn’t exactly running at the chance to bone me left and right. Moreover, I’m a teacher and I work at an all girls school – I would never EVER want to hear one of my students take this attitude towards sex. While sex is a healthy part of a relationship, it should not be the only glue that holds your relationship together.
4. Get a sense of humor. You’re not funny. You’re not a good writer. You might become one if you have some life experiences. Locking yourself up in your expensive apartment in Greenpoint isn’t going to shed that much insight into your life. Do some soul-searching such as exploring life, going out, meeting new folks, keep up a journal, or set up some personal projects. Do SOMETHING. Christ.
In conclusion: read more (reading more lends to better writing/vocabulary), get out of the house, get out there, do something for yourself, do something besides having sex when someone else wants to. Besides, you’re just cleaning for your boyfriend, not yourself (you said it).
Wow. There are a lot of really angry, mean comments here. I have to say, as a woman who is both educated and considers herself to be a feminist, I find great offense in the mean things commentors are saying. I was unemployed this summer and conducted myself in EXACTLY the same way as the writer. I woke up early, I cleaned the house, I looked for jobs, and I cooked. Everyday. When you’re broke because suddenly you’re making 1/2 the money you used to, you can bet your ass I’m going to cook everyday. Eating out is a luxury at that point. Spending your day lounging on the couch is no way to find a job, you have to stay active and engaged if you want to retain your sanity through unemployment. And, yes, there is some degree of self-blaming and guilt that goes along with unemployment, which I’m assuming spurred the writers “man-pleasing” tone. I have a feeling what she really means is that she suddenly feels like less of a person, and being productive and appealing is one coping mechanism. Get off your high horses. Sometimes there’s nothing more comforting than a bowl of mac and cheese when you’re down, and sometimes doing housework and cooking dinner is the only way to feel appreciated.
PS
Bundle UP!
Since you are splitting the bills, do you realize how much less your heating bill would be if you were at work all day with a timed thermostat compared to now with you buzzing around in shorts and a tank top? Save your money, put on a sweater! (v neck maybe?)
must be nice to have a girlfriend who does so many nice things for her man. Where are these women? I can’t even get a date. Is it because I date interracial. No girls willing to take a chance and venture outside the norm.
But she’s NOT living of him, they are splitting everything she said.
Some of the commentators do not seem to get this.
My husband has been regularly employed for only 2.5 of 10 years we have been together. If he did half of what she does I would be thrilled. I am the one who works full time, does most of the cleaning, all of the cooking and sex? I have to do that myself, too.
She and her boyfriend have a temp agreement. It may not be spelled out but it seems to be working for both of them.
Who’s oppressed who’s submissive? Their relationship seems liberated and quite equal.
Yoo u are hilarious but I feel u 100%… We all have become a SAHG once in our lifetime, why not make the best of it..
wow lets see how you will accomplish half of those things the day you have children…
This could actually be an interesting article if it there was some humor and irony in it rather than blathering 1960’s girlfriend ideals. I get it, you have to clean, cook etc. I was and will be a SAHG due to the fact that I work freelance and sometimes the jobs dry up. I do all these things too and still look hot for my girlfriend when she gets home BUT I was hoping this article would take an educated/diverse look at the pros and cons of being the stay-at-home half to the whole.
Quiana, thank you for the article!
I’m in a similar situation as you: i’m currently in the process of getting my greencard (was an international student at ucla up until my family’s financial collapse) which means I legally cannot work or go to school right now. My husband is currently working on an MS plus working part-time, and he is extremely busy. So I cook for him almost every day, maintain the household, and really try to do the best I can given my situation.
I think it’s completely valid to want to “please your man”, i think it’s only natural if you truly love him, don’t you think (or maybe i’m just japanese)? I definitely indulge him, even in the most subtle ways (like how he likes his eggs cooked). And my husband is infinitely appreciative, and he never fails to reciprocate.
but i definitely got shit from some of my less enthusiastic friends for giving into ‘domestication’. not that i mind, it’s surprisingly enjoyable. i was rather appalled to read that one of the commentators ‘barters’ with their boyfriend. wow, capitalism really did fuck up america. since when did gestures of love become a commodity?
I think all the angry commentators need to read “the art of loving” by eric fromm lol. srsly though, ya’ll need it.
I pray, for the sake of our future, that this is a joke. Must be a lovely relationship if you don’t even want him to know you sleep late.
Apparently some of you commentators have never been unemployed and on a strict budget.
When I lost my job, I moved in with my GF. We can afford library cards and walks in the park.
Since she leaves for work every day and I have ~8 hours to kill, I clean, do laundry, and make her breakfast and dinner. Because, like the author, an entire day is a shit ton of time, and there really are so many ‘self improvement’ activities one can engage in which also cost nothing.
I suspect the only thing ‘anti-feminist’ about this article is the article is written by a woman. Fuck that shit, stop projecting antiquated gender roles onto a professional who is out of a job and ENJOYS her ‘domestic activities’ in a TEMPORARY capacity.
I suspect she could say ‘fuck it’ and watch MTV all day. I guess sitting on your ass is 2011 and ‘feminist’……..
I don’t believe that the writer is trying to convey that she lives soley to please her boyfriend or puts her own interests aside. I think we have all taken women’s lib to the extent of doing NOTHING for our men. I revel in doing all of these things for my boyfriend, and I work. I don’t do any of it because I live to please him, but because my relationship is important to me, and little things are HUGE. I think everyone needs to chill out and maybe try a couple of things on the list.
I did a search on Ms. Stokes and her previous writings. Seems like someone gets off on being subjugated.
Quiana, How are you splitting the bills if you’re not making any money? And if you are splitting the bills, you don’t owe him all of the things you’re acting like you do.
And furthermore, WHY DON’T YOU START YOUR OWN CATERING BUSINESS? Sure, there’s no harm in sharing your love of cooking with your boyfriend, but what about doing it for yourself? If you’re not getting a job and you’ve got all that free time, why not start your own business?
The comments are impressive. American women claim to be open-minded and so modern, but they judge other people, showing digust to non-feminist way of living and so on. This sounds just like old-time judging different people, using just new ‘modern values’.
i am a SAHG , i left my job in another city (we live in a foreign country) to be with my boyfriend and I do all the things you mention in this article. I live my life the way i want to, not what haters dictate. Let them be bitter. I think you’re doing great ;)
Well THIS little blogatory is causing quite a stir among the feministas… love, Love, LOVE IT!
Right on, Quiana! You go sistafriend. Write on and on and on… I’ll be reading.
Please visit me at The Anti-Feminist Antagonist on facebook…
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Anti-Feminist-Antagonist/178449465532934
I definitely appreciate this article. I understand where you’re coming from and I’m right there with you. There’s nothing wrong with liking catering to your boyfriend.
Yes I was there too…. Unemployed, broke and living with the boyfriend. After getting used to an insanely busy schedule after years of working and being single and independent, this dependency on the boyfriend left me feeling unaccomplished and depressed. Unlike the author I could not afford half of the bills and I too lived in an expensive condo on Greenpoint. While I did make myself busy because there are many hours in a day, I didn’t cook and clean for my boyfriend. I did it for me! And hopes he was appreciative which he wasn’t. He treated me very well and I was certainly taken care off but after several months of this routine (keep in mind I still went out with friends, did cheap activities, worked out etc) I started a torturous battle with depression. At this point I was accepted into grad school and had a few months left before starting. My boyfriend could not empathize at all and after a while became frustrated with being the breadwinner – although incontributed nots of what I collected on unemployment to bills and groceries. After starting grad school and not having the ability to complete chores and or the stepfordesque wife role I’d assumed prior, he broke up with me and asked me move out during finals week.
You can imagine how I felt after what seems like months of torture then finally gaining purpose to have to endure torture again (finding an apt sending my dog to my parents etc).
The moral of the story is this: it helps to have a partner that appreciates you and not one that expects life to follow a perfect pattern – I keep telling myself one day the tables will be reversed and I hope he can experience the agony I felt being a sahg.
I apologize for the typos – I’m using an iPhone. I’d like to clarify my statement on why my ex was not appreciative yet treated me well. He neve notice my efforts in maintaining the apartment and when I’d point it out to him he would say you don’t have to do that – which I took to mean that he didn’t care (being depressed and all) but what I wanted to say was that it doesn’t matter yet as unemployment persisted his attitude took a turn for the worst when he it seemed realized that me heading back to school could continue this what seemed like to him eternal support system he provided me. And so he just told me one day that he didn’t want to do it any more that I needed to figure things out without his help and that I was strong and so he trusted I’d be okay.then promptly went on to announce a month later on FB that he was love with someone new. So yeah like I said in that last sentence of my prior comment….. Make sure you are sahg -ing for the right dude.
Why is everyone so angry about this? I’m a staunch feminist and I absolutely agree with most of this article. The cooking and cleaning has to be done, and she is home most of the day so of course she should do most of it. That’s just being a good partner. Keeping a home clean and having a home cooked meal on the table every night is more work than people give credit for, and if she currently has the time to do it why the hell not? She’s made it clear that once a job opportunity presents itself she will choose to reenter the workforce, and at that point she and her boyfriend will likely go back to sharing housework. But just because she’s a woman and in the past women were expected to stay home and do this work does not mean that the work is inherently anti-woman. Someone’s got to do it, and she just happens to currently have more time to do a nice job of it. Sheesh!
Wait a minute so, this woman believes she is special for doing activities that hundreds of her very neighbors in Greenpoint of local new york America, Polish and Latin decent have know and been doing all their lives?
Congrats on “figuring out” how to be a responsible adult in a domestic life.
Clearly her unemployment is a fluke, and she’ll get hired real soon with those resumes sent blindly into the abyss of cyberspace with a sharp mind that that.
Don’t burn the roast while you’re at it.
So, the writer here is bragging because she “figured out” basic techniques for a domestic life –
you should do what makes you happy. i see nothing wrong with this.
I graduated from Stanford, and now I’m in law school. I’m pretty miserable, and I wonder why I took this route. So many thousands in debt already, I can’t just pull the plug on this one. To be honest, I hate challenges. I’m over it. I’d be happier staying at home, but I’m getting this education so I can have stability and security for my family… so that I do not have to live in fear that my husband is going to leave me. I do not want to depend on anyone even if it means I will be 100% happy. Sacrifice is needed.
You have your education, and if anything happens in your relationship, you can support yourself. Education these days is not worth what it used to be, but still…it is better to have one than to not.
Keep doing what you’re doing! You’re happy and making the best of this situation that is affecting mostly everyone.
Can I be a stay at home boyfriend?
If the author really wants to be employed–which I’m pretty sure she does–instead of spending her downtime cleaning, cooking etc as this article implies, the author should be out exploring her interests. When she eventually gets that interview for a job she wants and the interviewer asks, “I see you’ve been unemployed for some time. What have you been doing since your last job?” she’ll have a better answer then, “I’ve been focusing on my home-life.”
My friend is currently in this situation right now and she has expressed concern that she does preoccupy a lot of time choosing what to make her bf for dinner, simply because it makes her feel better not to focus on her job-hunting all the time. I completely understand this because anyone who’s been in this situation knows how awful this feels and even worse, how an intelligent completely-hirable girl has been reduced to a stay at home girlfriend.
I think that that the author of this post should have been more assertive–perhaps a follow up post?–of alternatives to do in Brooklyn/NYC to become a part of her community without spending a lot of money for example taking a cooking class etc. to develop new skills and interests.
I would love to be a SAHG and would love if my boyfriends income allowed me to do so
I love this article
have people forgotten that feminism is about choices!? that i (a woman) want to go out, kick ass, and take names professionally doesn’t mean every woman has to do the same thing. being empowered is having the opportunity to do what you want to do free from judgment from others. i actually kind of applaud the author – if you’re going to have to be a stay at home girlfriend, why not try to be the best fucking SAHG there is.
@ FMC | February 22, 2011, 3:59 pm
You make an excellent point for why the original article bothered me. You say that your boyfriend showed you how much he appreciated you and took care of you in return while you were going through your time of unemployment. The way that the author portrays her boyfriend, at least how I interpreted it, was that while he didn’t expect her to do all of those things, he seemed to take them as his due. No mention of what he did for her once he was off work, no mention of him supporting her while she searched for a job, no mention of him letting her know that sex was not but wasn’t expected or was a requirement.
That’s simply a lack of information more than anything, I think.
Truthfully I think the biggest complaint is that there was no real mention of how to save money in any specific way. And the tone of the article does smack of 1950s articles, which can be off putting to some. Even the included graphic is just a modern version of something from the 1950s.
I think the author is a good writer, but her layout and presentation could use some tweaking. If you’re going to mention that you’re playing the good girlfriend by always being ready to have sex then hey, more power to you. But are you really having sex because you want to or because you think that’s what he wants? It is okay to not have sex if you aren’t interested and hopefully your boyfriend is considerate enough to realize that. Yes, all relationships need sex, it’s one of many ways humans show love. I’m simply saying it shouldn’t be a requirement if you don’t feel like it once in awhile.
Whatever, I get it. I lost my job for a whole year and a half and stayed at home as the primary caretaker OF our home. So, I took care of the house, volunteered, and lived a little. It sucks, and she’s said she doesn’t WANT it. Neither did I. Eventually, after sending out resumes all day everyday, I got a fantastic job. Lay off, it is her f’ing life.
Good for you. I’m going through this all right now as well and I’m with you…filling those hours in a day is tough. And there are only so many jobs you can apply to. Having focus and feeling purposeful are important in fending off depression and anxiety.
I’m in BK too, feel free to shoot me an email. I’d love to meet up for a mid-week drink fest :)
Wow. I am also a SAHG and am so glad that my partner would never expect me to live up to these standards. She appreciates the things that I do get done, and I do enjoy doing what I can for her, but I think that doing for me and my own sanity is far more important.
Maybe a more appropriate title would be “How I survive as a SAHG (stay-at-home-girlfriend)” because this survival guide is not for everyone.
Definitely threw up in my mouth a little reading this.
I just threw up in my mouth. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I, a former 99er, did this for 2 years until I found work last October. I definitely felt like I had to overcompensate for losing my job.
I don’t know how I kept my sanity. Being unemployed for so long and going on constant job interviews and being rejected was the pits.
So happy I’m working now.
Hope you find work soon :)
I think its a great post. Im so tired of hearing people talk about feminism like it equals acting like a man and making sure you never do anything nice for your guy because it may make you look like your being used. Guess what, part of being a good person is giving some of yourself to people that you love. ITS DOING WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.Expecting a “return on kindness or caring” is part of whats wrong with society today.
Feminism is about knowing that you can do anything you want in life even if that means being a stay at home mom or girlfriend and catering to his needs (as he could cater to yours)and its about being EQUALS so if he is working all day why not do the extra things that contribute to having a well rounded household when you cant contribute financially?
My mother worked and my father stayed at home, looked after me, cleaned and put supper on the table because he knew how hard she worked to provide financially. Did that make him less of a person? Feminism (and relationships) are about equality and equal effort, not one upping each other. You can look pretty, shave, smell good and look after those you love and share responsibilities equally and be a feminist. If the situations were reversed and her BF was doing all the household things this wouldnt be such an issue. Gimme a break.
Sometimes good intentions are delivered to brutal masses. Cheer up, Quiana. At least you provoked ’em. As a current SAHG (41 and the first time ever!) I have also done my best to manage the endless depression of job hunting, keep the apartment spotless, cook the meals, and do the laundry. It’s nothing new: I did it all when I was fully employed, too. And when I want sex, you better believe he is ready and willing. The point is that the recession has forced many of us to make sacrifices and change our lives, sometimes for the better, sometimes not, but running this person over the coals for her opinion on some blog is less than helpful. Maybe the article could have been improved by adding some details about places to score less expensive food or recipes to stretch your dollars, but look around, feminism is dead and has been for some time. If the GOP has its way, expect to see Roe Vs. Wade rolled back IN OUR LIFETIME. News flash: Quiana had nothing to do with it. Keep writing.
All I can say is yuck! it makes me sad that there are still women out there who think they need to do all theses things to keep thier man happy… yuck yuck yuck!
For those of you not convinced by this post, please watch this video.
http://www.someecards.com/2011/02/22/5-year-old-girl-chooses-job-over-husband
really people? feminism movement? wtf, leave her alone, if this is what makes her happy for the time being, let it be! who cares about the feminism movement it is NOT the same for everyone…that whole bra burning I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR crap is getting old….
So, I think giving to your boyfriend and making dinner and stuff is NICE. If he were home all day unemployed, I would certainly wonder why he wasn’t cooking ME dinner with all that spare time to shop and whip something up. Doing thing for your significant other has nothing to do with feminism or sex or gender – it has to do with love. To the people saying you set the feminist movement back fifty years, get a clue. Feminism means women are free to do whatever THEY DAMN WELL FRIGGING WANT.
Though, I do have to say, I wish that instead of saying that you should be ready and willing for sexy time between the sheets that you said you look forward to and crave it as much as he does, because, damn, orgasms cure headaches honey.
IN DEFENSE OF FEMINAZISM !!! !!! !!! !!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
96% of people who use the term “feminazi” are IDIOTS
at least 4% of ANY group (including “Feminsits”) are whack jobs
So, looking at the numbers….
Feminazism is a term that let’s me know I’m talking to a clued-out idiot, and whatever they say, most likely the opposite is true.
For those of you who “don’t get it”
and are PRAISING and/or defending this lovely little sweet, harmless article, wondering
Why you hatin’ y’all? I don’t see a problem here…?
There IS a problem here. It may be subtle, and that’s why you missed it. You may be looking on the face of it and it seems BENIGN and even quite positive.
Here’s what you are missing:
This woman HAS A HISTORY of making BAD CHOICES resulting form low self-esteem. Look at who is purveying this information… It’s like, if Ted Haggard were giving you relationship advice… and it sounded ok on the face of it… but you had a little weird feeling in your gut. Trust that feeling.
This woman in the past has BEEN in a very abusive relationship. Where she accepted shit that no healthy person would have. She’s grown, she’s learned, she’s in a healthy relationship now. THAT’S GREAT.
BUT…
Is this someone you would ever take relationship advice from:
?
While dating an skeezy already-engaged-to-someone-else man:
I helped him….(in a ton of different ways) I never told him no.
When he would call me, it would be from a blocked home or cell phone number
I started to feel bad. I thought I’d ruined his life.
When I finally started to end it with him, he berated me.
I do NOT mean to hold her past up against her.
Quiana HAS GROWN and is in a HEALTHY relationship now. God bless her.
(Although she is -or was- still friends with that creep, which girlfriend you should kick that dude to the curb where he belongs, and feel sorry for the wife he eventually ended up marrying even though he kept cheating on her, with you among others)
Just sayin’.
There’s a REASON women, and hip dudes, are skeeved out by the TONE of this article.
Brokelyn FAIL (except in stirrin’ up controversy, thanks in large part to Gawker).
I read this article out of curiosity, and have never been more excited to have a full time job. How about get some goals for chrissake?
To the person who wrote: She is living off of someone. Is she not suppose to contribute?
She is NOT living off of him. She said herself in one of her comments that she is paying 50% of the bills. I’d think this was fine if he was supporting her but she is still paying for as much stuff as she did when she worked, AND she’s picking up after him and waking up at 6am to pour him cereal and juice? She sounds desperate – paying as much as ever even though she has far less money, and acting like his maid/mommy.
I think a lot of unemployed men should read this for their fully employed girlfriends or wives. Turn the tables on them all.
“while I’ve always been someone who’s really into keeping her boyfriend happy (that’s how I was raised), it’s now my primary occupation after job-seeking.”
Your primary occupation? Hahahaha!
In my opinion, that’s the problem with this post. If you do all these things just in the course of your regular day and it’s a position you happened to find yourself in, that’s fine – but to call pleasing your boyfriend your primary occupation – I think you need to find some loftier goals. Life is short – be useful.
You go girl! I work at home and I do the same thing. Good luck on the job hunt!
Let me tell you how I survive as a SAHG:
1. I am teaching myself Mandarin Chinese. Might as well use the unexpected time off to boost my CV.
2. I do volunteer work 1-3 times a week.
3. I have joined a free boxing class at the community centre.
4. I have taken up organic gardening.
Kudos for spotting and describing an actual social phenomenon, though.
wtf is this shit? for serious?
Thanks for writing this. I am an engineer, I am a feminist (and female, despite the name) — For crying out loud, I broke off an otherwise great engagement because my SO moved to a remote area where I would likely be unable to find a job!
What everyone’s missing from the article is this:It really doesn’t have anything to do with gender. If I were unemployed for any period of time, of *course* I would be the best “stay at home girlfriend” I could be — cleaning the house while sending out resumes and getting a chance to relax and catch up with friends. Who wouldn’t!? My current boyfriend and I have talked, and, if he were unemployed, he would do the exact same thing — clean the house, cook, be glad to see me when I came home from work.
To the other commenters: Just chillax. This has nothing to do with gender equality, and everything to do with doing the best you can, in whatever situation you find yourself.
But, um…Why not channel all the “effort” you put into keeping a clean home and cooking into, you know, finding a job for yourself? It seems a bit defeatist of to say, “Well, he works really hard to be where he is, so it’s up to me to reward him for that!”
Didn’t you work hard to get where you are today? Why not reward yourself for your skills and talents and try to put them to use in an economical sense that will lessen the breadwinning off the boyfriend?
I mean, I went through the four months of unemployment between college graduation and starting a job, and while I did spend time at my non-live-in-but-long-term boyfriend’s house during the day (mainly because I was not welcome in my house because of a psycho roommate) and did his dishes or whatever — 90% of that time I was on the computer applying to jobs. Occasionally, I’d go out, run an errand for our small business — and then back to the computer it was. Assigning oneself as the boyfriend’s “wifey” seems like the easy way to give up.
good job for making your relationship work, these haters in the comments probably dont shave their armpits
also, in a situation where the tables are turned, the men should do the same. thats equal… not just being lazy out of spite because your unemployed and/or not the bread winner.
This is one of the WORST things I have ever read. So dumb. No wonder she is unemployed! I feel bad for those people being down-sized due to cutbacks, but it seems like the company may have dodged a bullet by firing her. I’m a feminist, and while this article offends me on many levels, on a very basic level, the gleeful stupidity with which the author writes is probably the most irksome at this point.
You just described a “stay at home” WIFE. That’s what you should be before you provide these services.
Damn…I wish I was dating you instead of my deadbeat girlfriend.
I think many of those leaving comments have the wrong idea about feminism, or take it too far. Feminism isn’t about every woman being out in the workplace rising through the ranks at the same speed as men, but rather the ability to. If the author is HAPPY doing what she does, then why does it matter to you? Her lifestyle is her choice. It doesn’t set back women’s rights because she cooks, cleans, and pleases her husband. I am an educated woman and my career is valuable to me but if I were laid off, this would probably be a good way to spend my time, rather than being grumpy, fighting, and spending money all day. You should be ashamed of yourselves for not stopping to think that other women don’t want what you want, everyone is allowed to lead their lives as they want. And honestly, I’ve been in countries that REFUSE to discuss feminism or align themselves with it because of the overwhelming bra-burning experience that some feminists use to get their point across.
Here is how this article should have been written: http://waxceiling.blogspot.com/2011/02/deploy-unemployed.html
girl – get a job!
You’re doing all that AND paying half of everything? You get to job-search, cook, pick up after him, do laundry, welcome him home, have sex whenever he wants … Where’s the part where he does anything for you?
Would love to know what the feminazis would have to say if the roles in the article were reversed.
Then it would probably be well-deserved since he doesn’t have a job and it’s the least he can do to help out.
Or what if a man handled unemployment with a GF at work all day in the way you believe she should handle her unemployment? I can already see effigies burning for being a ‘lazy-ass boyfriend’.
At least feminazis are entertaining with their double-standards.
What are you going to do if he breaks up for you in order to go out with that hot chick in the office — you know, the one who has her own stuff to do all day? I don’t care what era we live in or what your politics are. It is not smart to build your whole world around someone else. First, it puts a lot of pressure on him; I don’t know about your boyfriend, but if I was hanging around waiting for my husband’s approval of my looks/cooking/cleaning all the time he would get f*ing sick of it. Second, it is BORING. That is why you have to vary your activities all day and go for boozefest lunches with the ladies. There is nothing wrong with doing these things for fun, but the fact that this is your entire world, day in and day out, is not sustainable. If you view it as a temporary fantasy holiday, that’s one thing. But if you ever want out of this holding pattern and into your own life — one in which you do things you really care about, whether that happens to be waxing yourself or writing a novel, you better get a little more serious about it.
I think you’re confusing relationships and housework into one big sexist mess.
A quote I once heard about making relationships last is that BOTH people should be giving 60% and taking 40%, so that there is a 10% overlap of giving. Both people in the relationship need to give. From your article, I’d guess that your boyfriend is taking 100% and not giving back at all (besides money. but that’s not in the relationship-nice-things-we-do category. It’s in the household category. Which is separate.)
Housework/cooking/money/work/etc should be divided equally. I have no problem with the stay at home person doing half the work it takes to keep a household going. I have no problem with women or men cleaning up and putting in some extra chore time if they happen to be jobless. But I do have a problem with your dictating that being jobless for a time is like indentured servitude, and womenz have to be putting out ALL THE TIME or he will totally LEAVE YOU! That’s bullshit, and honestly if your boyfriend can’t understand if you’re just not in the mood then he’s an asshole.
Wow guys. I don’t even know where to start with this one.
I’ve been an avid reader of Brokelyn since you started but this is gonna have to be the last article of yours I read.
stupidest thing i’ve ever read. its not april fool’s day, but this bullshit has to be a joke.
Girl, power to you. You’re in a tough situation, and job searching full time can be soul crushing. If you enjoy filling your time with things that make your life, and the life of the person you’re in a relationship better, you should do it. Women need to realize that begrudging another woman of her choice is just as oppressive as a man doing it. This is your choice, and that is empowering. Rock it. Also, if you have any recipes for a cast iron dutch oven, that would be AWESOME!
For your boyfriend to have been born he must indeed have a mother. Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you need to steal her job away. :/
I had penned a paragraph long comment about why I LIKE this article and how I think a lot of the hate has misread some of the basic facts (see: jobhunting).
instead, I’ll just say power to you. Sounds like you’re finding your way the best you can in a tough situation. Nothing wrong with trying to make life pleasant while you’re unemployed! Good luck with the next step.
also, I think getting up with your working partner and maintaining appearances is a good idea for anyone who’s unemployed. Waking up early keeps you in a professional mindset, and feeling like you look good is proven to build confidence. running around in sweatpants ain’t gonna help no one.
OH WOW. My brain just exploded. When he gets home, should girlfriends bring him his newspaper in her mouth or is that still the dog’s responsibility?
I didn’t read all of the comments here but a lot of the ones that I did read are well so over the top and had such a “let me jump on the bandwagon” vibe.
I agree with Aubrie, who do people think that they are that they can tell someone how to live.
If she is happy with her life, good for her.
If you disagree with what works for her, good for you.
But all the extra drama in some of the responses is comical.
While some of the things that she wrote feel a little too June Cleaver for me, oh well, I imagine plenty of girlfriends and wives do them every day.
And those noting that she didn’t offer tips about finding jobs, or if she volunteers, don’t seem to have read the title, it was how to survive as a stay at home girlfriend, not how to find a job.
And while I love volunteering, I don’t place judgement on folks who don’t, although you don’t know if she does or not but people assumed.
And therein lies the main problem.
People think that it’s ok to bash others if they do not think the way that they do.
To that the simple response, is “get over it” but you should at least be mature enough to disagree with dignity not crassness.
My heart breaks for this woman. While she’s stuck at home playing housepet for an apparently lazy, messy, pig of a “boyfriend”, she’s trying to convince herself she’s happy while the desperation is obvious. No thanks. I like being an actual adult with an actual adult partner who doens’t think behaving like a well trained dog is a good thing.
Misogynistic, sexist – insulting to males everywhere who have self-respect and respect for their female partners – this article insults every adult of decency. I feel so much pity for the woman who wrote this. What a dehumanizing, infantalizing way to live. Horrible.
Gross article. Deleting this site from my bookmarks. AN obvious misogynistic dig against women, insulting to respectable men and an obvious attention grab. Not a worthwhile site at all.
i hope this will be Quiana Stokes last article with brokelyn. I thought this online mag, which i used to love, had sense not to put up shit like this.
What I’m curious to know is how you’re even still unemployed? I know things are economically healthier in Canada, but in my experience (my fiancee used to be a chef), restaurants are always looking for experienced people and a culinary school graduate would be perfect. Right? So maybe boozing it up on potential employer’s doorsteps isn’t the best idea? It sounds as if you’re not actually trying to get a job, only using that as a front to go all Stepford.
Anyhow, it sucks no one likes your post. I didn’t. It’s sickening.
I might not agree with the advice, but I know that being unemployed and dependent on someone else for your keep is stressful. Especially if you were not expecting to be dependent. Of all the really terrible things that can happen if one becomes unemployed, being domestic and concerned about sex does not seem that bad.
However, the author downplaying the part where she is spending hours on the job hunt (as she points out in her comment above) and making no mention of the time she spends writing is kind of strange. I am reminded of a particular kind of writer who makes a career of books of and speeches instructing other women to stay home and keep house.
Not a million years would I prefer a servant to a friend. And not in a million years will I ever tell my daughter that her sex drive should be at the will of her partner’s.
The author made her choices–what’s wrong with people pointing out they’re screwed up? It’s quite objectively not a dynamic of partnership, it’s a dynamic of “I’m his bitch.” Again, if the author is fine with that, whatever, but I’m not cool with it, I don’t want a girlfriend to act like that, and I don’t want a daughter thinking she’s gotta spread her legs whenever her boyfriend gets home.
Kudos — even if you take a boyfriend out of the equation, you’re acting like a responsible job-seeker. Since you are coupled up, you sound like you take just as much responsibility in your relationship. Success at work, in your relationships, and in your relationship with yourself, doesn’t just *happen*. It takes dedication and vision — sounds like you have both. Ain’t nothing retro about that! Best of luck in your next chapter.
Yeah girlfriend! I’m also a stay at home girlfriend at the moment – left my full time job and being full time crazy and am much, much happier.
I’m working part time and doing some contract work, but am loving being at home, and have to say that watching seasons of Bewitched gives me a giggle on what being a ‘real’ housewife used to be!
@Laura, who wrote “You just described a “stay at home” WIFE. That’s what you should be before you provide these services,” get real. This has nothing to do with her being his girlfriend rather than his wife. I am married and if I were jobless you can bet your ass I would not be acting like June Cleaver. I clean up my messes and my husband cleans up his, because we are adults and equals. Marriage doesn’t change that.
“Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.”
You know, in 2011 “not feeling like it” is a good enough reason not to have sex.
How did this woman escape the brainwashing? She’s not resentful of her BF? She’s not piling on her employed and obviously hectically worked BF to insist that he “support her” in “her difficult” time? She realizes that the “at home” partner “owes” the working one? And she sounds likeable, considerate and fun! And smart enough to have figured out more of life than her detractors! My gosh there is hope!
Hmmmm.
That lucky lucky lucky bastard.
Awesome! You KNOW you’re doing something right when that many people have a hissy fit!
So many girls are hiding behind the words “regression” and “feminism,” when I don’t think they know what it means.
I believe feminism is something that has enabled women to do whatever the hell they want that makes them happy, which is what it seems like you’re doing! I mean you’re doing all you can and more to keep yourself PRODUCTIVE whilst being unemployed (and job searching), then I don’t understand the “haters” that are angry.
You go girl.
First time visiting your site – I say screw all the naysayers! Live and let live. You are doing your best with your situation and whatever makes you happy is what should be supported. What else are you supposed to be doing?! You go girl. :)
How long have you been at this? As a work-from-home SAHFiance I have to say that I did everything you are doing now for roughly 6 months after we started living together and then I got sick and tired of doing all of those thankless tasks and decided to get real – I’m not his maid, cook, or playmate and we’re still completely in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. On one hand I applaude you for trying to be perfect, but on the other – don’t sacrifice so much because you might end up very bitter. Good luck.
One of my favorite feminist bloggers once said:
Feminism is also about my right to say YES.
Those of you who are trying to define this woman’s gender roll are, yourself, doing the same thing you’re damning society for – you’re telling women that there is a right and a wrong way to behave, and if they choose a different lifestyle then they’re inferior and wrongheaded. God help us if that’s what feminism is these days.
You have not set women back any amount of time. If a man is the one unemployed he should do exactly what your doing. This is how you keep a happy home. No need to turn into Peg Bundy. I applaud what you’re doing and I hope your able to find a job soon. For anyone saying your man should be more supportive clearly they missed how he is supporting you financially. Nothing wrong with picking up his socks, cooking, and looking cute. As far as the sex thing I have yet to encounter a woman who complains about getting too much sex. As we get older females sex drive go into 6th gear anyway and mens slow down.
Just wanted to say I can totally relate to this story.
I quit my soul-crushing job and have since been temping, job-hunting, and mostly, being a housewife.
It’s a weird role that I never thought I’d be in. Some days I feel like Trudy from Mad Men.
Mostly, I do feel like this author, that I’m making the best of the situation. Gender roles be damned. I’d imagine my husband would do much of the same cooking and cleaning responsibilities if our situations were reversed.
girl, i can’t believe there are so many hateful comments related to this post. it prompted me to write a blog entry about it…this ones for you…
http://www.alittlebitofsass.com/2011/02/24/on-feminism/#more-366
I agree with her and here is why: http://www.naeesa.com/2011/02/employed-privilege-and-stay-at-home.html
The problem with this article lies in the writer’s constant mentions of “making her boyfriend happy”. She also makes plenty of other cheap points (like wearing short shorts around the house, and sex being the most important facet of a relationship) that make you wonder if she is actually a mature and balanced woman at all. The whole article reeks of “I’m so darn happy to do my job in this home!” complete with quips that a 13 year old would make. The issue for me, has nothing to do with the fact that she’s cleaning up and cooking, as someone who is “home all day” should… but it’s the sentiment behind her actions and the context behind her words.
Also to @Kooky who posted the link to Quiana’s “other woman” article? THANK YOU. This woman is obviously the creme of the damn crop.
I think you have a great attitude. Thank you for writing this, and best of luck in your future endeavors, at home and/or in the workplace.
Ok so I’ve been unemployed for 11 months now and married ( no children) for 2.5 years…I’m not the tidiest person and I received complaints from my husband for 11 months straight about me “not doing anything all day” since I don’t have a full time job and make close or more than he does..I find this article funny because I pretty much experimented on (tried) doing everything in this article on a very tight budget & 11 months later (btw I started a part time job about 4 months ago), my husband believes he does everything and wants a separation & refuses to work our relationship out out…Although I can understand this article, but no matter male or female when you’re in a relationship and you become unemployed be careful who you’re with because even though they say it’s not a money or job issue, 9 times out of 10, it is. I’ve been unemployed when I was single & it was 10x easier than now (being married)..I know people usually think the opposite..Good luck to all the SAHG & SAHW…
Ugh. The problem with this is the word ‘girlfriend’. Does no one get married anymore? If you’re partners in life, it makes sense to take care of each other. You’re playing house and making it seem legit. Awful.
You go,grilfriend! More women need to take heed from what I see.
I’m shocked at how harsh some of these comments are… Quite frankly, if you have a partner who is working and supporting you, I would think waking up in the morning, contributing to maintaining the household, and keeping yourself attractive isn’t asking too much.
She didn’t say she was putting his wants and needs ahead of looking for a job but that she does things to make him feel appreciated.
Doing a little extra to put a smile on your man’s face doesn’t seem all that bad to me. If the roles were reversed, I would anticipate a man to do the same for his woman.
LOVE IT!!!! I’ve been a SAHW (stay at home wife, no kids, just my husband’s keeper) for 11+ years now. You go, girl. Ignore the critics. They don’t get it.
I too am a SAHG after losing my job 1.5 years ago! I am a complete feminist and I DO ALL OF THESE THINGS, TOO! It’s about being kind, considerate and pleasant to the person who you live with… your partner! I LOVE this blog!
You have my life only I don’t live in NYC, though I wish we did, and I take care of our dog as well. Do what you want to do if it makes you happy, these women are jealous and need to remove a large object from their bottoms.
I get it. Seriously. People are freaking out about this but I understand where you are coming from. I am a professional 29 year old woman with a graduate education. My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years. We met as I was graduating from college with my bachelor’s degree and he, being older than I am, already had a successful full-time job. For six months I lived with him while I looked for employment I spent hours each day searching for jobs and sending out resumes. With the rest of my day I’d clean the house, do laundry, shop for groceries, exercise, etc. I felt the same way you do — I had the time, why put this stuff off until the weekend (like I do when I am working) when I have the time to be productive during the day? I didn’t do these things because I was subservient to my man but in a way I did do them for him because it made me feel good to make things a little easier on him – after all, he was working full time to support the both of us! Yes, it did make me feel better about myself. I felt like a loser not having a job, and I figured it was the least I could do to clean up around the house — what else did I have to do during the day? Every day he would thank me for what I did and say “you know, you don’t need to do all of this.” Eventually I found a job and things got back to normal. To this day I jokingly refer to my days as a “stay-at-home-girlfriend.” Interestingly enough, my boyfriend lost his job a year ago when his company closed due to the economy. I was working full time. He became the “stay-at-home-boyfriend” and guess what? He did the cleaning and the cooking and dog-walking and everything else. He is back working now, and we attend to these tasks together on the weekends, but if either of us were to become unemployed again we’d go back to doing these things during the week. Why? Because we’re a couple, a team – there are things that need to get done in our household and whoever has the time does them happily. I think that everyone who is freaking out is reading too much into what you’re saying, picturing you rolling your hair and putting on a French maid outfit and giving your man a foot rub as soon as he walks in the door. (I would agree that your situation was problematic if this was the case.) I’ve been in your shoes, I understand where you’re coming from – I know that there are probably days when you feel like you’re going crazy and, in some twisted sort of way, doing these things sort of gives you a sense of purpose. Hang in there – you’ll find a job, and if you know that your man would do all of these things for you if roles were reversed then you have nothing to worry about!
I, too am a stay at home girlfriend. I just heard about your blog on the Today show & am excited to dig in & read all of the comments. I have read a few & am not surprised that right off the bat there was much negativity. I always get that from people that I discuss my situation with. They are just jealous. It’s just that simple.
I am currently a “Stay at home Girlfriend” and I am loving this blog. I do exactly what you do I get up with my boyfriend every morning and make sure he is taken care of. I figure he is taking care of me so I should take care of him. I lost my job with a major department store 2 years ago. It has been very difficult finding a job in the fashion industry due to my location. My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive of me.. he is my rock. I am loving the time off and also learning how to cook and explore things that I would not be able to do working 60 hours a week. Thank you for this blog. It made me feel like I am not alone in how I felt.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!! I’m a stay at home wife and its hard and I commend you for doing what you do. !!!
I completely agree with you, if and only if your boyfriend appreciates you and make the same effort to make sure you’re happy. I would do the same for my boyfriend.
If someone had told me a year ago that I would be a a stay at home girlfriend, I would have thought they were crazy. In August I moved in with my boyfriend. In October I lost my job as an investment banker and found myself sans income, sans daily purpose and sans self confidence. So much of my identity was derived by my ability to stand on my own two feet and spend a big part of each day contributing to capitalism. When my boyfriend and I moved in together, it was a merging of equal partners and exactly what I wanted. It was awesome. Then in October, suddenly, I went from this confident, independent woman to a completely demoralized, stay at home, guilt ridden mess. I did exactly the same things the author does. I got up with him, made breakfast, worked out, cleaned, did our Christmas shopping, etc. It helped. Just having things to do around the house, putting one foot in front of the other, completing tasks, made the days tolerable. It was a bonus that it made life easier for my boyfriend. I happen to be the luckiest woman in the world because my boyfriend is truly sympathetic, loving and supportive. The situation has forced us to examine how we handle financial decicioins and responsibilities, our future together and my future professionally. My unemployment has been more difficult than I can convey, but I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been without him. Because of his support, I was able to regroup, figure out my future and together, implement a plan for our future. So, now I am in the midst of a semester majoring in nuclear engineering AND I keep the house clean, cook, do all of our shopping (clothes, gifts, etc), workout and even take out the trash. He, on the other hand, takes care of the finances, brings me hot tea while I study, puts me to bed when I fall asleep from late nights of studying and hugs me while I cry if I get discouraged. Call me crazy, but I don’t feel like this arrangement qualifies me for a time capsule shot back to the 1950’s. I think it is an example of two people who love each other deeply, adapting to change and making it through the changes together. I say kudos to the writer for having the courage to bring this up in a public forum. It made me feel substantially better to know I am not alone in my circumstance. Cheers!
Here is a novel idea. Maybe, JUST MAYBE feminism is about women having the ability to make a choice about the things that fulfill them and the way they live their lives. Along those same lines, when you chastise someone who exercises this right but makes choices that you do not agree with, you are working to subjugate that person to roles which you have deemed to be suitable. A little counter-intuitive, no?
The second issue is that many of you fail to realize the realities of unemployment, especially in regard to women that have invested much in their education and careers. In case you haven’t noticed, jobs are not falling from the sky. I can speak from experience when I say that the search can be absolutely soul crushing. What shame is it then, to find a role and to work your butt off to do the very best that you can in that role? It gives you a sense of purpose and keeps you from becoming completely demoralized.
I am a fellow SAHG. There is nothing wrong with trying to find some purpose and happiness in life when the world has kicked you in the face. I would like to echo Kelli by saying that I really enjoyed finding out that I am not alone in this situation and reading about how you have coped.
Hi,
I am a journalist, writing for the largest Israeli daily newspaper, and would love to do an interview with you for our life-style supplement. is it OK with you? Please, contact at this e-mail address.
thanks and regards
Lilit
Why is everyone so upset by this? She’s HAPPY people. Besides, it’s understood that, in some way shape or form, it’s expected and appreciated by men to be catered to this way. I’m not this extreme, but I certainly have NO problem letting my bf, or even a male friend I’m out with, let him know I care for him by clearing his plate, getting him water, making sure he’s comfortable, etc. That’s what women DO for men they care about, even if they ARE employed it’s just good form.
The truth is that if the genders were reversed all the feminazis would be falling all over themselves praising a man who adopted all the same behaviors this writer describes. What monumental hypocrisy.
The most disturbing thing about this article is the backlash. What is your problem?
If you are a woman who works full time, comes home exhausted and puts off cleaning the house for the weekend, or next weekend, or the weekend after; Raise your hand. The most neglected issue of the feminist movement(s) was housework. They all forgot that it still needed to be done while they were burning bras, man-hating and fighting for equality. Most men will happily live in squalor without realizing unless their filthy apartment prevents them from getting laid for an extended period of time, thus, women will still end up doing most of the housework on top of their full-time job. (Tidy men, please forgive me, but I have Brothers, Male Friends and Ex-boyfriends who can back up that statement with piles of empty take-out boxes, beer-stained carpets, rogue pizza crusts and the most disgusting socks I’ve ever seen.)
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the hard-earned equality we have inherited from our mothers and grandmothers, but wasn’t that all so we could have options and choices? I don’t think eating take-out and passing off our child rearing to strangers was what our grandmothers had in mind.
I’ll admit, I work full-time and support myself. But the only thing I hate more than my crappy job is my filthy bathroom that I won’t have the energy or inclination to clean when I get home. Sometimes I think it would be really nice to come home to a clean bathroom and a cold beer and a hot home cooked meal. Then I could relax with the person who was kind enough to do all these things for me, walk the dog, read a book, watch some tv and go to bed; really not a bad life. If my (hypothetical) husband were financially secure enough that I didn’t have to work, I would HAPPILY quit my job and do all the cooking and the cleaning. I could take some low-paying but meaningful work, volunteer, write or even brew my own beer (I’ve always wanted to do that). I think I could find a lot of joy and flexibility in so-called “women’s work”.
Why does this lifestyle have to be so stigmatized? It’s ok if you want to wear a leather corset and whip and humiliate a man if that’s what you both like, but god forbid you want to take care of your family and make them comfortable. You guys are ridiculous.
That all being said, the only disturbing things in this article are the sex bit; I can’t decide if it’s degrading or simply TMI. Also, the fact that she’s not married. Being a stay-at-home wife is a HUGE personal sacrifice. It will be very difficult to find a job after an extended period of unemployment, there are no benefits, no retirement; in that way, homemakers are very dependent on their spouses (notice I didn’t say “housewives”, that is the gift feminists have given us) so marriage laws were intended to protect that role. Personally, I wouldn’t do any of it without a marriage license, perhaps I’m old-fashioned.
I think the backlash was actually greatly overestimated. I think most of it was also based on the sexual aspects which really put this over the edge into stepford territory.
Jamie, you make some really great points. The truth is there ARE differences between some men and women and it is important to acknowledge and respect them. I care about keeping the apt clean. It takes extreme dirt to make my boyfriend pick up a broom. And so I know he does not notice if I wait until the weekend (or sometimes the next) to clean the bathroom.
But still, I notice that I get these pangs of self-inflicted guilt about it. And I also still get frustrated that he doesn’t let himself worry about it. Luckily we can talk about it honestly, I think that’s really important.
I still think its important for men to take an interest in helping their girlfriends. Especially since, a point you make above, they are not the same as WIVES. The idea of giving the milk away for free is more than antiquated as marriage becomes a choice for both men and women who don’t depend on getting a husband. But so is the idea that a woman can manage a household while she has another job (often a necessity in this economy, especially if she doesn’t have the security and support of partner in marriage.
I want to repost what I post before because I feel like it got overlooked and lumped in the feminazi category:
Most men and women in their 20s who are living together are just starting to figure out their living styles, how they clean, put together meals, pay the bills, etc. For the most part our parents have been doing this for us and in college it didn’t matter. But now we are adults and it starts to matter and you need to figure out your place in the household.
Now, women are pretty much trained for this position. But if you don’t let people who don’t know how to or don’t want to clean up after themselves that they need to clean up after themselves, THEY WON’T and they won’t even know how! (It is a dis-service and even seems emasculating to me to follow behind a man picking up after him) That being said, they should learn how to do it their own way on their own time or they will resent you and you will end up doing it anyway because you are a perfectionist/control freak.
In the end, take care of your significant other, take care of yourself, and live with someone who also takes care of you regardless of how each of you spend your days. (whether you have a job or not) SHARE responsibilities so you will both be able to keep your own passions, if you don’t you aren’t going to have anything to talk about when they get home from work EXCEPT how you need more toilet cleaner
I am about to be a stay at home girlfriend and I am SO FOR IT! It doesnt matter what year we are in, what age you are. If you are happy and content with yourself and your finances there is NO need to go out into corporate america, stress yourself out and look absolutely hideous in 10 years. All women need a break from everyday bullshit and I think that being a SAHG is amazing, brings us back to the older days when men DIDNT CHEAT AS MUCH. So for all those women who are against it, how about you take a good look at the time you and your man spend together. The little things you do for him that make him appreciate you..
Mrs. Stokes your awesome :)
After reading that article, I know why you are unemployed.
Um, to the “SAHG” that comments “All women need a break from everyday bullshit and I think that being a SAHG is amazing, brings us back to the older days when men DIDNT CHEAT AS MUCH.”
Have you EVER seen Mad Men (yes, although it is fiction, it is historically accurate)? Or read a book? They cheated just as much back then as they do now. Doesn’t matter whether you’re ready and willing to give it on a daily basis.
“If my (hypothetical) husband were financially secure enough that I didn’t have to work, I would HAPPILY quit my job and do all the cooking and the cleaning. I could take some low-paying but meaningful work, volunteer, write or even brew my own beer (I’ve always wanted to do that). I think I could find a lot of joy and flexibility in so-called “women’s work” ….. Personally, I wouldn’t do any of it without a marriage license, perhaps I’m old-fashioned.” – Jaime.
I agree 100%. It’s all about personal choices, right? Besides, once you add kids into the mix, it almost begins to make financial sense to in fact, quit the 9-5 thing, and look after your own instead of paying someone else to. Never mind all the charitable work that I could devote myself in the meantime.
For the record, my husband and I both work full-time. However, it’s in my nature to be a clean freak as I like things ‘just so’. I also love keeping (what I feel is) a beautiful house. So I do all those things. My husband loves to cook. So he does! And we both know it’s my responsibility to clean-up the ensuing mess he makes in the process. The only thing I ask of my husband is that he pick-up after himself, because I have no desire to feel like I’m married to a 5-year old child.
The author’s original statement about her sex life might be TMI. But other than that, she’s out there trying to find work, and doing her best to stay sane and be useful in the meantime, in whatever ways she can.
I don’t think anyone really has the right to judge someone else’s lifestyle (she’s not doing anything illegal, is she?), especially if they’ve not found themselves in that same situation before. Just sayin’.
Welcome to 1950!
In reading the negative comments toward the OP, I am sadly disappointed. People are missing the point, and the reality. She has no job. A common, lazy, self-centered, sympathy sponge WOULD sit around, and mope about how they lost their job, and boo hoo this and boo hoo that. It’s pathetic to EXPECT their BOYFRIEND to lather them up with sympathy. I mean REALLY? I lost MY job and immediately went into doing the same things as OP. No, we’re not spoiling our men, nor are we their slaves. They don’t think of us that way, and they respect us for trying to stay fit, attractive, and helpful around the house. It is too common for women to ‘let themselves go’ and then begin to expect the man to take over things because the woman is at home all day taking care of the child(ren). The man works all day too. I just don’t understand how anyone could possibly react negatively about this post, and I think if they do..they need to take a step back, and think about how this girl is acting. Her boyfriend is happy, SHE is happy, and she was simply stating she enjoys her life, and she was stating the things that make it possible. She says ” He’s always grateful for any and all of the little things I do; it never gets too predictable because I try to do something new every time.” Where in there does it say that he doesn’t do the same for her? That he doesn’t think up ways to make her happy. She wasn’t making things a contest, wheras the replies to that made it seem as though her bf doesn’t care. If he treated her badly, do you REALLY think she would do these thoughtful things for him? REALLY? Come on, women use both sides of their brain, or they are supposed to. Now start using yours correctly. Geez.
Maybe those of you crying foul for someone contributing to the relationship in a healthy and meaningful way should take a closer look at your own relationships. You’re all angry at this woman for being happy and wanting to spread that happiness, so perhaps the problem is with you naysayers instead.
Try to look deep within yourselves and ask ‘why am I such an angry, uptight, frigid person that prefers others be as cold and callous and self-righteous and sad as myself’ and then maybe you can figure out that the few decent men out there might actually like you if you could fix those issues.
Girl seems like she has life figured out. Respect.
you do realize you are acting like his slave…(!)
It is VERY dangerous to write a line like: “Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is”.
I couldn’t believe it. So if you’re not on your period you should be up for sex all the time?! Have you gone mad? Would you really teach this to your daughter? To be a sex slave? You are aware that is what you’re doing.
Imagine if you taught this attitude to your son. He expects his girlfriend to want sex whenever he does. She resists, and oh, guess what- he has sex with her anyway. You know what that’s called? RAPE. Do you see where your attitude leads now?
I bet you don’t put out at all you frigid wench :)
my first impulse was to ask “are you fucking kidding me” but honestly this is just sad. I have been unemployed since November and if I acted like this, my husband would be concerned for me. The author has no self-esteem and the boyfriend is a class A asshole.
and one more thing, why the hell can’t you have sex during your period???!!!! WTF
quality article of one persons way of survival, don’t judge. this chick rocks. angry fems go back to your vibrato.
Rather this email makes a difference or not I’m still going to write it. I am a stay at home mom of 4. However, I also am a Stay at home girlfriend yet to be married. I did work a full time job which I had for 5 years, while going to college, and took care of my 4 children while my then husband stayed at home the majority of the time playing video games. I think at one time he went through 8 jobs in one year. Anyways, my fiance makes plenty of money and wants me to stay at home now to focus mainly on the kids, house, taking care of him, and finishing my 2nd degree in elementary education. Some SAHG’s do nothing, but I think the majority of SAHG’s actually do their job(preparing and extensively cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, detailed cleaning, do laundry, help kids with homework, t ball practices, grocery shopping, volunteer at the school, etc.) With one parent staying at home they can do all the errands during the day and all the chores. That way its all about family time when the kids and your spouse get home. I don’t have to stress after a long days work to get everything done. It’ll already be done before everyone gets home. As for sex when ever he wants to…why not? He’s bringing home the bacon and I enjoy sex as much as he does…plus I love the workout and love him even more. What is wrong with today’s society looking down on the “I Love Lucy” generation? If it was up to me I want that generation back. I’m up for equal rights, but I think the 1940’s generation hit it right on the head. I think the men and woman today are lashing out at Stay at home moms, stay at home wives, and stay at home girlfriends because they are jealous that they themselves don’t have the luxury to stay at home. I’m only 25, but back then as I have read kids were a lot happier, because they were getting the attention they needed from both parents. Look at today’s society…kids shooting other kids at school, bomb threats, and etc. I am glad to give my kids the attention they need so they are happy. I’m also glad to give my fiance the attention he needs. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years now and we have not fought once. Why should we? He’s happy, the kids are happy, and I am happy. I’m proud to be a stay at home mom and girlfriend and I’m proud of all the other stay at home individuals. Don’t listen to any of the negativity surrounding being a stay at home person.
My issue isn’t with what you feel your duties are as a woman catering to her hardworking man – I’m totally with you there! But a woman like you will always be a girlfriend and never a wife. After all – why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Girlfriends come and go, and without much effort. We’ll see how long you can make this last.
Here’s what I say. WHATEVER! Do what you want, think what you want, WHATEVER! I really don’t care what people do with their lives or how they think. You want to climb the corporate ladder, have at it! You want to sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day, have at it! You want to cook and clean all day, have at it! You want to spit 18 kids out and counting, have at it! You want to be ready for “sexy time” (that is pretty funny) any time your guy wants it, have at it! You want to be a feminist, have at it. You want to be a 1950’s wife, have at it! Thou shall not judge. And not only do I refuse to judge others, I refuse to cram my own beliefs down others throats to make myself feel better about my life choices!
This was a joke, right? Quiana Stokes you troll hard.
Quiana – good for you! You’re making your life, your boyfriend’s life, and your relationship better. Don’t let the haters get you down. They’re smaller and meaner than you. You’re a keeper. Your boyfriend’s a lucky man.
I don’t understand why everyone is so full of bitterness here. If she’s happy doing these things and it’s her way of being productive while out of work leave her be. All this talk about regressive and blah blah blah – seems a bit much. this article is about how a SAHG fills her day and keeps herself busy. i dont understand how someone sharing this personal story about what-to-do is taking back the woman’s movement.
I would love to be this girls bf – she obviously cares very much about her bf to think and do things so considerately. dont listen to these bad mouthers.
Much ado about nothing. No need for anyone to get their panties in a twist here. I think the angry people here should ask themselves why the above article makes them so angry. The woman writing it seems to be perfectly calm and at ease. So she enjoys giving her bf some booty and home-cooked meals. Her choice doesn’t have to be yours.
But maybe why you’re angry is because you fear that what she is doing might make you look bad in your relationships, or lack thereof. If no one is doing things for the other person in a relationship, then what is the point of having a relationship? What point would there be for her to stay home and not still find ways to contribute to the relationship? Because that is what she is doing– contributing in ways she can find other than making money. And there is probably a good reason for the fact that she hasn’t already found another job… probably because she actually LIKES what she is doing.
Btw this is coming from a woman who used to swear by feminism… until she met a man that she couldn’t just step all over and demand that her needs were more important than his. Now, I am a SAHG too, who cooks and cleans, and gives her man great sex whenever he wants it. And frankly, I enjoy it almost as much as he does because I have the ability to stay home and relax, rather than stress myself out trying to be the one bringing home the bacon. It works out rather well for both of us.
Bottom line is, men like certain things like sex, an attractive woman, admiration, a nice home, and yummy food. Just like women like affection, conversation, commitment, honesty, and financial security. If it’s accepted that men and women are different and have different needs, then it’s not so angering when you hear about a woman who is doing things that are pleasing to a man’s taste and not just her own. So maybe instead of getting so angry about it, you could instead think about how you could do more things to make your men feel good too. You might see some nice changes in them, and more willingness to give you the things you desire from them.
There is nothing wrong with the concept of men and women being treated with equal respect and given equal opportunities, but equality doesn’t mean demanding that men suppress their wants and desires while women aim to dominate over them. Women (or at least the angry ones here)– accept it. Men LIKE sex. And women LIKE affection and being provided for. There’s nothing wrong with a woman providing for herself, but no woman is going to say that she wouldn’t like to have at least the option of a man providing for her. And if a woman chooses not to work… even if the excuse is that she was laid off… that is HER choice. Just as it’s her choice if she decides she wants to work. That’s what’s great about it– it’s a choice.
Either way, anyone who judges or criticizes someone else’s choices is really the one with the internal conflict going on.
Props to Quiana. I hope she keeps doing whatever makes her happy.
I have to say to everyone angered by this article that you can never really understand a situation until you’ve gone through it yourself. Really, I don’t know how many times in life I’ve experienced an example of being angered by something I didn’t really understand, until I went through it. I’ll give an example that’s very personal and real – I grew up with my dad always coming home extremely late and exhausted (sometimes not at all because of business trips), and it was very bad to point where other kids thought I didn’t even have a dad. As a result, when I was in high school I started to get very rebellious and angry toward him and said and did some things I regret now in spite. 4 years later after college…boom, I enter the career world and damn, were my eyes opened. Man, do they ever put a lot of ridiculous pressure on you for you to keep your job or do you ever have to brown-nose by going the extra-extra mile to expect a promotion. It was during this time that I realized, he wasn’t making a choice to be absent, he was trying to keep food on the table and put my brother and I through school. How foolish and embarrassed do I feel now to have treated him badly. The workforce is difficult overall, and life is hard. You’re going to see some “old-school” ways of life that you originally scuffed at when mom and dad were paying for everything, and then kind of understand it all later why they’re like that to begin with – sort of like this article has pointed out.
Now, a year ago, I would probably would have jumped on the feminism bandwagon and complained about this article too, but the universe has had other plans for me and I found myself unemployed last year, but at the same time, I too have a very understanding and giving partner who has offered a safe place to stay and during the darkest of times, was helping me with food money…
At first, I was so grateful, but VERY thick headed. I figured, the best thing I could do, was take care of finding a job, and be out of their in no time. But guess what? You’re rather stressed, and a little bit fragile after months of applying to places and not finding yourself independent and on easy street again. Which happens. You’re trying, and failing, and even if you try to keep positive you are causing some stress for your partner and meanwhile all of your stuff is taking up space that it didn’t used to, or if you were there to begin with – turning your nose up when he asks for you to do some cleaning while he’s gone all day, because you’re home all day, isn’t very attractive on top of all the stress you’re bringing into his household whether it’s vocalized or you try to keep it to yourself. He wants to see you succeed, you want to succeed, and it’s not hurting anyone or your career to do traditional upkeep of the home while you’re there and you have the time.
And guess what? All of the things you do for him: cooking, cleaning, sexing….these are all things that you are actually doing for yourself too. So what, you end up doing a little more laundry? So, you put two steaks in the frying pan instead of one? So…you’re in a relationship so you’re having sex together instead of by yourself? THESE ARE THINGS YOU ARE DOING FOR YOU TOO. If my boyfriend was ever unemployed and it looked like he was going to be staying with me for more than a couple of weeks, I’d be a little more than angry if I came home to a dirty apartment day after to day, and no food in the fridge while he sits infront of the computer or what-have-you (you’re not REALLY applying for jobs all day, come on, let’s be real here. Maybe a couple of hours a day, which is fine, and is about all the opportunity that’s out there for one day anyways). You SHOULD be helping out. Think about it, put yourself in his position. If you were helping someone out, or even if they are splitting the bills with you but you knew they were home all day going at a leisurely pace and basically doing things as they felt like it, wouldn’t it piss you off if during that time they didn’t think to help around the house? They did all their own laundry and cooked for themselves, so you’ve basically drawn a line between you and your partner. That to me, is strange behavior, and I’d feel like I was just some hotel to them and that’s it.
Do I think these things need to be done every day as this author of this article says she does? No. Absolutely not. BUT what she has stated is that, she does these things on a regular schedule to keep her sane. It’s her way of keeping herself together and on track and is merely giving a suggestion that has helped her. As for the ‘there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.’ that has everyone so upset…. there is another way to take this other than domestic rape…. she’s basically pointing out that her boyfriend likes to have sex, and that things that cause her to not want to have sex (ex. stress from work) aren’t in her life right now, so she’s more sexual than usual. She could have worded this differently, and if she does mean that she allows for this to go on, while she really is against it all the time, then maybe suggesting self-help on subjects like achieving better self-esteem would be more suitable than yelling at her and telling her she is disgusting. However, the way she has worded that one statement sounds like my suggestion is also a possibility.
So, it’s nice to help out. But why is this on Brokelyn? I’ll will tell you. I read this article, and felt very relieved that I wasn’t the only one going through this, and if I hadn’t started cooking and cleaning I might actually consider these suggestions because it has improved my situation and we both feel a lot happier because of it. This site is all about how to improve your life while you are broke…broke-lyn. This article actually does a good job with that by giving some good suggestions to keeping a schedule while you’re unemployed and in a relationship, and made me feel better that I’m not the only girl asking for help and doing things I thought only ladies of the 1950’s did.
Thank you for writing this article. It seems as though, despite a lot of ignorant feedback, that those who found themselves in this same situation have written in and found this helpful or comforting.
This is a great article by a woman who feels insecure about not having a full time job and is pulling out all the stops to make sure her man feels loved and cared for. What I was curious about was why she wasn’t putting the beer and wine in place when she was working a full time job. I mean, that’s a five minute thing and a thoughtful gesture. She had to end up unemployed in order to do a thoughtful thing for her man — which one thing makes no sense to me, how can one be unemployed and still be paying HALF of EVERYTHING as the writer has emphasized in later postings here? If you are still a partner on paying the bills, who cares if you sleep in a bit later? Does it bother him or would it bother you if the shoe was on the other foot? As long as the bills are paid, I am not really getting the whole Donna Reed routine. An apartment does not take 8 hours a day to clean, and you can only scrub the toilet and sink so many times. A bathroom takes ten minutes or less to clean if you know how to do it right. The reason why several people responding here are upset, is what they have repeated throughout, it’s the tone, the feeling you have to do all this simply because you are unemployed. But you are paying your share of the bills — so why do you continue to pick up after him? You make no mention of what he does for you — a massage, picking up after you, doing laundry, taking out the trash? I wonder. It just seems you are making more work for yourself — not once do you mention actually hitting the pavement or taking on part time work. I DO know the food industry IS hiring. So I’m not sure why you are sitting on a culinary degree and not finding work, even if it’s part-time. Taking care of one’s beauty routine, well, $100 IS expensive for a waxing. Living beyond one’s means for upkeep is just foolish. Oh well. What you do in your house is your business, sure, but unless and until there is a ring on my finger, I’m nobody’s maid. And if you found that last statement laughable, take a look in the mirror, because your self-denial and fear about your man leaving you is just about the same. All I can say is, a lesson in self-worth is at hand. I suggest you learn that your half is as good as your man’s simply by meeting your HALF of everything. You are enough. Loving yourself first would be a good first step. I would have enjoyed this more if I was 20 years old in 1953.
this article makes me a little queasy. Is this guy your baby or your boyfriend? Use your good writing skills to do something besides writing about how to make HIM happy.
Oh no she’s trying to make HIM happy after a long day at work. Off with her head!
this article makes me wanna puke!
That was pathetic.
remember when she said “i do all of this because he makes me do it?”
yeah, me neither.
my stay at home girlfriend sleeps til noon or 1pm, doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, doesn’t look for a job, and won’t let me get a dog (noone to take care of it during the day, she says). know what this is? the exact opposite of this article.
how glamorous does it sound now?
it’s not about a man’s place or a woman’s place, because i do all of the things she doesn’t do. all of the things you condemn. i also work 70 hour weeks and make a little of 100k/yr.
the feminist bullshit is cute.
this is an article about being a better partner when you’re supporting a working mate. this is an article about staying afloat in a negative light; making the most of idle time. it’s applicable to unemployed men and women. it has nothing to do with gender.
This is unreal. My boyfriend supported me through 10 months of unemployment last year and he didn’t ask me to go all Stepford for him. We shared household duties, sex when we both felt like it, and I didn’t have to wax a thing. He respected me by picking up after himself and doing his own laundry and I respected him by not blowing our limited cash on “drinks and appetizers with the girls”. Being unemployed is stressful and looking for work is a full time job. I didn’t have time to play nursemaid to a grown man. You and your girlfriends would be better off helping each other look for work to make sure that you don’t find yourself dependent on the whims of your boyfriends, who are not expected by law to take care of you the way a husband would be.
This made me feel alot better. I have been going through the same thing and it’s really difficult when your not the bread winner. This tips seem very useful BUT the “feeling like a lesser person because I dont have job” is taking a toll on me and my relationship. It doesn’t seem possible to do all of these things.
I think this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Definitely kicks the shit out of Pride and Prejudice.
Wow. really. I would love to have a girl like you. I mean, I have one, its just that we don’t live together. Its awesome, till I read the hate comments. Come on. Its not like the girl here do all the things all by her self. I’m sure the guy helps too. I would, cause, you’ll be living together when you’re married anyway right? It’s just the same cause you are living together. I dont get the point when people says it gross or whatever.
Why are you not a SHAW? I would kill for a girl like you.
Oops – I meant SAHW
It’s frightening to read all the angry feminist-without-a-cause replies here. A good relationship is a partnership, and the sense of entitlement conveyed in so many posts indicates a disappointing lack of that basic understanding. There’s a chunk of work to be done on the homefront, and it seems a reasonable division of labor for the writer to pick up those chores while the BF is out earning the bread to pay the rent and buy the food. Otherwise, GF would be a FREELOADER. Nobody wants that, except perhaps the freeloaders…
I stay at home all the time, I am disabled and I been living with my bf for 1 1/2 years, he goes out all the time with friends to play golf or just visit his friends. I can’t do too much walking but he signed me up for membership to play golf with him and a friend if they want to play. I do clean up after him all the time and the house is clean but I do take days off from cooking and cleaning. I am limited what I can do though, because I had 5 strokes plus have sceroderma, not too many people heard of this illness but it gets painful to move. I use to sell stuff had a little store on line just to keep me from going crazy. I can’t help if I am disabled but I think my bf is just worried because I won’t live that long but I am trying to help myself by workingout and eating better and quitting smoking for good.
I stay at home all the time, I am disabled and I been living with my bf for 1 1/2 years, he goes out all the time with friends to play golf or just visit his friends. I can’t do too much walking but he signed me up for membership to play golf with him and a friend if they want to play. I do clean up after him all the time and the house is clean but I do take days off from cooking and cleaning. I am limited what I can do though, because I had 5 strokes plus have sceroderma, not too many people heard of this illness but it gets painful to move. I use to sell stuff had a little store on line just to keep me from going crazy. I can’t help if I am disabled but I think my bf is just worried because I won’t live that long but I am trying to help myself by workingout and eating better and quitting smoking for good.
I think this is great. If your boyfriend or husband treats you great an allows you to stay home why not do these things for him. At least your not sitting at home being lazy and watching tv all day. I used to be a SAHG and now I’m a SAHW and just have a job as a healthcare provider doing per diem work, and I enjoy making my husband happy because thats what he does for me. He doesn’t ask me to do anything, I do it to show him how appreciative I am of him working so hard.
Wow! Are you still with your boyfriend? If so, do you have a sister? Talk about making a relationship work!! Kudos to you!
The angry (and most likely obese) bitches in this thread are amusing. You sound like a good woman who any man would be lucky to have as his partner. It sounds like you are making your absolute best effort to take care of him and make him happy in the midst of a difficult situation, and I hope he is doing the same for you. :) Best wishes in finding another job/source of employment, and in continued relationship success. The fat angry bitches in this thread probably either make their men miserable enough to want to kill themselves, or can’t even get a man to look at them with the lights on for more than 5 minutes. Props to you for making the world a better place by being the complete opposite of that.
i really like or appreciate how you find ways to keep your man happy :)
Man here. I applaud you. Not because you are being “domestic” or “regressive” or any other of those awful things that “femenists” are calling you, but because you are being productive, and doing what makes you happy, regardless of what anyone thinks. What you do, because you want to, makes you a strong woman. Being an independent woman is not about being anti-domestic, bra-burning, etc – its about doing what makes you happy, and if making your man makes you happy (even if only for the time being) then you’re doing alright in my book. Carry on.
This is a great woman, who recognizes how to pull her own weight in a relationship.
My girlfriend is very unemployed, but does what she can to make my life easier. I work 15 hour days, and am the sole bread winner. Her contribution to Us is so appreciated and helpful. It now allows us to spend couple time together on my only day off which is Sunday.
I view the writers position as loving, not subservient. I believe if more couples had similar dynamics, the divorce rate would be considerably lower. Our society has become narcissistic, and divided in roles. Instead of criticism would positive reinforcement, and accolades serve the writer better?
I think the problem with this article is summed up by the *title* this woman assigns herself – Stay at home Girlfriend, a reworking of the title Stay at home Mum (I am Australian). Now, if you are a SAHM, you define your primary role as being a *mother* and staying at home is your particular way of going about this. Here the author defines her primary role as being a *girlfriend*! Not a Stay at home Jobseeker or Stay at home Freelance Writer or whatever. A Girlfriend. Of course that is her choice and her article describes how she accomplishes it. But whether it is a way many other women would choose to define themselves… I am currently a SAHM and as a matter of practicality I do take care of the majority of household work. Getting up early in the morning is a constant challenge after interrupted sleep but nonetheless excellent advice. And homemaking has value. But defining yourself by your relationship is not a great way of dealing with being unemployed. IMHO.
i love this article…..all these people are just jealous because they have to go to a meaningless job everyday….i’m happy doing whatever I want everyday….being able to look sexy and *u*k my boyfriend whenever he or i want is awesome.
Totally agree!! :) awesome life
Looking for a job should not only be done everyday, it should be done ALL day every day. What about interviews? Frankly, it sounds to be that you are BARELY even looking for employment. When I was unemployed, I had NO time to even think about cleaning, ect. Why? My days were spent with interviews and searching for a job, not going out drinking or ordering food. You should be completely ashamed of yourself. I can’t believe ANY man in is right mind would put up with this kind of behavior. Someone like you doesn’t deserve to be an American. Our country is for hard working individuals, not someone obsessed with their appearance, “sexy time” and drinking with their friends while they send out resumes for what, maybe 2-3 hours a days, if that? And yes, I hope these words sink the fuck in. And PLEASE, are you fucking kidding me?! You think you have house work down to a T? You live in a two bedroom apartment. My mother was a housewife, HOWEVER she had a whole HOUSE, not an apartment, to clean. I see this was posted a year ago. I would love to know if you are still living a completely useless, miserable life or if you are now contributing to our economy. My advice to you is to sit down and REALLY think about how much of a failure and embarrassment you are to yourself and our country then re-evaluate your life.
Now THIS is satire. You have issues lol. You are probably unemployed or you work some nepotistic job you got from Daddy and you are projecting your insecurities off on some woman you’ve never met.
I love this! As I myself am a stay at home girlfriend. I don’t choose to be one. I have to, to keep me sane. I used to have a job, but got laid off and I haven’t been able to find one since. Three years without work. It’s very frustrating. But I’m still looking.
Really, it’s all about being an equal partner in a relationship. Under the assumption that a “SAHG” is with a working man, then the relationship is not on equal footing.
It might be nice for a while, but resentment will eventually be knocking on your door and eventually you’re going to be a Stay-At-Home-Single aka just another unemployed drain on society.
I loved this article and was shocked by the comments! I’m a stay at home girl friend in the city and I can relate to everything you said… I actually enjoy not working ~ I have an amazing social life, tons of free time to do whatever I want & enjoy my life. Don’t feel like a burden on your boyfriend ~ as long as you keep him happy he will take care of you! Who cares if its “regressive”.. I say ask him for an allowance! hahah!
This is kinda late but this is totally me !! But what happens if you are going to beauty school in the fall and he wants you to have a job to help with bills and rent and you want to have the summer with him and he always complains about the money then what ?? Anyone ??
I just had to check my calendar and yes, indeed, it’s 2012. If I want to take care of someone, I’ll give birth. Everyone else can make their own damn meals and clean up their own damn messes. I work full-time and still manage to take care of myself. And when I was not working, my ONLY concern was finding employment. Codependency is extremely unattractive.
A man wrote this.
try working at home (online, project-based) while still waiting for that job interview. it may be a temporary remedy for you being unemployed, you work at least 4hrs a day. at least you’re earning somehow.
I had a clingy boygriend one time who sounds a lot like this article. I dumped him because he never found his balls and acted just like this, which was suffocating and sickening. Best choice I ever made. This is the worst article I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading and I can’t believe you find it so blindingly acceptable.
Good lord, you are not describing how to “survive”. More like how to be a “told/kept” woman. What need is there for a patriarchy when you’re doing such a fine job of repressing yourself?
Thank god I’m finally finding people like me. I also want to “set feminist back” as I’m exactly like you. But I’m french and in France especially and in Europe in general, nobody accepts that, you know all women think they have to be men, they have to work, bring money, they all say that men should do household chores too, but men never do it… I hate these women. The thing is, nobody here understand why I’m living depending on my fiance (we’re not married), and I really need people to talk too… Please help me !!
so many feminist comments, why cant we cherish diff situations, if thats the situation she is in right now and she is enjoying it wtf let it be, she is not being forced to do it like 50 yrs ago where we women couldnt work proper shit… at times it comes natural to us real women to nurture and take care of d house. and nt only sex but cuddle is nice to. she was making a poit. and everyone is free to do whatever we want that why we r “free” better thna n being a lazy pot head and doing absolutely nothng all day
its all about balance. who doesnt wanna stay home be pretty..and also work sometimes.
I too am a stay at home girlfriend! I own a trucking company and he works 50 hours a week (10 hours mandatory over time). No he doesn’t work for my company. I make $200k more a year than he does but I work 45 hours a week less. I don’t do all the things she wrote in the article. I shop, clean and do what I want to do for chores. Don’t get me wrong the house is clean, laundry is done and dinner is on the table every day when he walks in the door. The problem we have is sex. He would prefer 5-7 times a week I prefer 2-3 times. So he says I’m selfish! He doesn’t get that I have daily chores I do outside the house that are exhausting and I want to sleep! I have a farm and tend the animals while he is at work and I move and stack the fire wood! Exhausting!
Get over yourself.
Are you on or currently use crack? Have you never seen the studies about homemakers, & how much money they make?
My boyfriend who is the love of my life works, he doesn’t want me to work(in a nutshell he’s insincere).I am a clean freak, we have 3 cats, a sibearian husky & I feed birds plus there is a duck I just totally bonded with. It’s fine that he works all day but so do I, I clean our house , take care of our animals & exercise for 2 hours 5 days if the week. I don’t want to hear any boo hoo about how hard work is, fucking life is hard & does he really think I want to waste my IQ on him(seriously)
Even if you felt that you didn’t want to be the stereotypical “housewife” you’ve taken it upon yourself to develop “skills” which are highly sought after. I wish my girl had as much forethought as you have expressed here. After a quarter of the way through your post, I was beginning to wonder if you were actually a guy….with the “cold beer when he comes home” etc… – keep it up , it’s all about balance and it benefits everyone.
all men love u and the women hate u. its because 99% of the women are lazy, fat, spoiled, frigid, domineering witches who would happily let a man go to work all day while they watch tv, then let him cook his own dinner and clean the house when he comes home.
theyre jealous of u because you show them for what they are. youre a decent person and theyre bad to the core
well said to those haters…. she is happy keeping her man happy and really its not that hard.
Will you marry me?
Well i have to say, while i work part-time this actually gave me a new insight. This is what a GF does when she really loves her boyfriend, she does what she can to keep him happy and keeping her sanity lol. Im sure he does the same she just didnt write about it :)
“You are setting a bad, bad precedent for if you have children and want to stay home with them for any length of time. You are making a relationship with a man who thinks it is okay to be catered to, and you are teaching him that you are just the one to do it. It’s all fun and games now… but one day it won’t be.” – ALI 12:25p 2.22.11…
Ditto. You are SO right, Ali. I cringed at this article because that is how I USED to be even when I had a part time night job. He was my main priority. I would cook and clean and stay cute then go to work from 6-10p and contribute what little money I made to the bills as well.
Then we had twins and reality set in. The house-workload made me miserable. He felt TOTALLY entitled to those things I was doing out of kindness (for both our benefit).
Because I did those things he started taking them for granted and had absolutely NO respect (it goes further than just throwing dirty laundry on the floor, try dirtying up every dish in the kitchen and leaving them around the house, and blowing your nose leaving snot rags in the bed on the counter, getting snot and boogers everywhere. He was DISGUSTING.
But I had made that ‘role’ for myself trying to be cute and sweet and it DID feel good when he actually appreciated it enough to pick up behind himself. Once he figured out that I was a free-maid for life he just had a field day.
My day was literally cooking and cleaning, while raising two babies and then when I came home after work at 10, the house would be a wreck and he would be sleep, so I would have to wake up and do it all over again. It was hopeless.
‘Maiding’ behind kids and a grown man was NOT fun at all. It went from being sweet and fun to be a burden.
I want to keep a clean house too, so it benefited me to do those but the difference is that before he felt I was OBLIGATED, he was a little better about keeping my hard work in order, rather than just throwing stuff on the floor because you know you have a maid to pick it up.
Since then we have gone to couples therapy and gotten married, we share the workload now as both of us have full time jobs and our kids are in grade school. It took a long time for him to stop feeling entitled to the sweet little things I had spoiled him with at the beginning of the relationship.
So Quiana, good job but proceed with caution and heed Ali’s advice.
Im eager to know where Ms.Quina Stokes is now in her relationship. Did her bf fall even more deeply in love and propose or did he eventually take her for granted and get a little sidepiece action… or maybe he began to resent her when she got a new job and could not longer be catered to? Do tell.
Wow… You’re a slave, I know because I used to be in your position with an ex… And he’s an ex for a reason. He is going to start treating you like an easily accessible object, or like his mom… I’m a SAHG for the moment with my current partner and instead of spending my whole day concerned about his life, I spend my days off looking into universities, classes, and workshops, my partner has even agreed to pay the tuition… As I helped him with his… That is an equal relationship. Be more concerned for your future, not how to please him.
Yall some selfish lazy women wtf u mean u don’t want to cook or clean when ya man been gone all day? U better be doin something!! He pays bills buys food and u benefit what wrong with making his life a bit easier. And I applaud going getting an education but in most circumstance that’s taking on more financial burden besides in all of your contexts education has been used as leverage for YOU to get ahead, now how is that a partnership?
Yep, and your future will be in your job, not your relationship. Sad that you think that she can’t do both, and that you take the article and assume that it’s all she does, when she says she is looking for a job. smh
Wow, you guys are insane. As a guy who was laid off, I can agree with the article. I am bored to tears at home all day and must get out at least once whether it be golf, tennis, day drinking, grocery, whatever to stay sane and go out of my way to keep my gf happy (always did but go above and beyond all the time now because I like to and have tons of time).
I will clean daily, cook or take her to dinner, have a glass of wine along with her favorite cheeses waiting for her, make a candle lite bath for her, etc. I have also started working out more in an effort to look my best for her and myself so should I not do this?
Yes, I am looking for a job daily and have had a few offers but want a job I will be happy at so I haven’t found one yet. Oh, before some one calls me out for brininging in no money, I have a six figure salary as a severance for a year but still go out of my way for the gf.
I came across this article and just wanted to point a few things out. First, let me congradulate the author on being a true woman. She seems happy. Which must be hard for you feminazis out there to say yourself. She enjoys doing things that a woman who is at home could do. I do not understand why people get so upset? What if she just wants to stay at home, raise kids, and please her husband? If you are so for women’s rights then she has the right to do this as well. But you egotistical wannabe males want to force and shove something down her throat that she may or may not want to do. Grow up feminazis.
Where in the hell can I find a woman like you I work anywhere from 40–50 hours a week paint the house mow the lawn do yard work, fix and maintain the cars, amoung other things. And i cant not get my girlfriend that works 20–30 hours a week to do shit. She sleeps until 3pm, and doesnt clean or cook. I guess shes a feminist.
Thank u :-)
This is the most retarded thing I have ever read.
I have a sahg and I agree with your statements if your man goes out and brings home the bread you need to be doing something we all have our responsibilities and ROLES in a relationship like it or not. Trust me your man would love not to have to work as much as would like to not cool clean etc but he’s doing his part so do yours. I keep seeing words like regressive and sexist well if a man wants to have his wife stay home shower her with things pays the bills and open doors is that regressive is that sexist. When you ask him in that seductive voice for something you want are all boobs and no brains. You all kill me
This is ridiculously outdated of you. Find a job and stop trying to be a perfect little housewife.
Perhaps you’re just to stubborn minded to accept lifestyles different from yours. If she is happy doing this she is happy! Perhaps you should grow a pair, and learn to accept things dipshit!
Wow! In what world do you live in, where you look for a job and the same day find one? Maybe it would satisfy you if she got a job at Taco Bell. Then you can look down on her from whatever crap you do every day.
I am SO over that. I started that in the early ’00s, and within a year I was irredeemably depressed. My house hasn’t been clean since, but I keep being reminded how it “should be” – and I’m beyond caring. I’ve tossed around getting jobs for years, but he keeps saying “you’ll have to clean on top of that too, you know.” Now, with nearly a decade of my life gone, to solitude and anger and regret, I have no doubt agreeing to stay home was the worst fricking mistake I could have ever made in a relationship. It’s hard to undo it this far in, both with the inertia and with the job market as it is, but you have to live for you sometime.
You will have to do all the cleaning once you find a job? Dump that douche. Seriously, sounds like your dude needs a reality check. :-/
I was actually looking up why my boyfriend wants to know my work schedule (hours/days) but I stopped and read this article. I have been unemployed for 2 months now. Not that I chose it but because the relationship I’m in now becomes intolerable. So I leave and stupid me keep coming back. Now that him and I are back together and that I have found the error of my ways I have decided to not let him have any say in what I do or where I go. It’s none of his business so long as I am not cheating on him or doing something illegal. But I believe he is possessive to know my whereabouts and I find it very annoying that he wants to know everything that I’m doing. I think a lot of guys would prefer a girl to stay home and wait for them but no I’m not going to clean the house everyday and cook dinner especially when there is no need for it and when there are no kids. He doesn’t want to do anything now and we have nothing holding us back so I can’t imagine what it could be like if we did have children. In fact I am thinking about leaving him as soon as I have money saved up. But anyway you do sound like a vacuum cleaner infomercial on being in a relationship today. Get a job living in NY should be as easy as pie. But honestly I think you prefer being at home as a house wife. Goodluck to you.
Daym! I found this site because my unemployed girlfriend suffering from depression is an absolute slob. I would give one of my fingers to have her transform into you. Your boyfriend is one lucky man.
And I’m not kidding when I say *absolute* slob. One weekend she went on a mother-daughter guiding trip. From Friday afternoon when they left until Sunday afternoon when they returned, I literarlly did laundry nonstop 18 hours per day – didnt finish it all (mostly hers). I ran the dishwasher 14 times. I cleaned and cleaned to exhuastion; just to get the house back to my standard. Two weeks later, it was almost as bad as before I started.
She wakes up to get the kid to school, I come home from work she looks frumpy like shes been sleeping all day. I dont expect makeup and done up hair every day but once in a blue moon would be nice. I even talked to her about it.
Because of my complaining… she will clean the house and be offended if I dont make comment like she did some marvelous thing. Her idea of clean is about the same as my idea of a house that needs to be cleaned soon. I am left wondering when she fishes for compliments… does she want a medal or a chest to pin it on? (shes actually very large breasted, its just a statement)
Scary thing is she wants to get married, have more kids and be a stay at home mom. Given the past 3 years, I’d say she is genetically unqualified for the job. No amount of coaxing, talking, bitching, yelling has gotten her to actually keep up on the house and pick up after herself on a regular basis.
I’m damned near done. I think I’m going to break up with her. I met a 105 pound girl. I have a 160 pound one now. Looks arent everything, but when I say lets go to the boat and she says when are we going because I havent shaved my legs in a month and I need to do that before we go up….
Ick.
And to the feminists beaking to this woman. Read and learn. You want a man to do what you want and to take you on the town, drink red wine and walk down the beach and watch chic flicks? This woman has it nailed. If you think she’s hurting the cause of women everywhere… Have fun finding that alpha male. You’re destined for Mr. Gamma if you think this chick is out of whack.
I would LOVE to have a girl like this. And best of all – she wants to go out and work and have a career once she finds a job!
Wow…I had not thought about this post in years! I originally posted a comment after losing my job in late 2010 about the dificulties of finding myself unwittingly as a stay at home girlfriend and how I agreed with the writer that keeping the house and myself pulled together totally helped keep my relationship with my then boyfriend feeling like an equitable partnership.
So…fast forward to now. This morning I somehow got an email notification of a comment on this post and it made me smile to reflect on life then and life now. Soon after posting my original comment, I was offered a job that has developed into a supremely rewarding career. My boyfriend proposed a few months later. We were married 9 months after that. We welcomed our first son 11 months later, and I am in my 3rd week back from 4 months of maternity leave. :)
While I was temporarily a Stay At Home Girlfriend, I learned what it meant to truly be partner. I had been fiercely independent prior to losing my job in 2010. Being forced to lean on someone else a little helped deepen the relationship with my husband and it helped me realize that men, at least my hubby, LIKE to feel like they can provide for the ones they love. I also learned that he appreciated homecooked meals, LOVED not going to the grocery store, and other little things that I could do to ‘contribute’ that weren’t financial. Being forced to learn those litle things back then has proven invaluable now that our life is substantially more chaotic. Even with the sleepless nights and craziness that comes with an infant and two parents with demanding careers, we both still do those ‘little’ things for each other every day that reminds us both how much we love each other and that we truly are partners. For example, I have breakfast on the table for him when he finishes his workout every morning…nothing fancy or time consuming…but a bowl of cereal or something with juice and ‘I love you’ written on his napkin…and he does things for me like noticing the laundry is backing up and without a word gets a few loads done, or unloads the dishwasher, or just notices we haven’t had a date night in a while and lines up a sitter and takes me out.
Long story short…I think life is complicated and sometimes you just have to wing it. :)
I can almost guarantee that the majority of you women bashing her for being a ‘stay at home girlfriend’ are the same ones envious because she lives such a cushy, privileged lifestyle. Her boyfriend makes enough to support the both of them and she cooks, cleans and takes care of home. He brings home the bread…she cooks it-it’s a pretty equal trade off.
I totally agree.
I do not understand all the negativity over this post. She is doing the best for her situation. She is not lazy. She is not setting woman back – it could be a man writing this about being a stay at home boyfriend and it would be different. If she doesn’t “bring home the bacon” it is not a non-progressive thing for her to cook and clean. That is life, people! Somebody has to do it and if she is home it might as well be her. That is fair. And about the sex… she did not imply she is some sort of light switch that will be there every single time he wants some. Even if he wanted her to not work that does not make the situation disgusting or anything like that. Every couple has a lifestyle that works for them and it is nobody else’s place to look down upon this woman.
If you are unemployed, how are you able to still shoulder your half of the bills?
Dang, still responsible for half of the household financial obligations AND being a perfect bang-maid? Yeah, your contribution load sounds more than just a little disproportionate, it sounds like straight up robbery from your BF.
Bang-maid? What kind of imagery are you trying to perpetuate? You sound violent – maybe you should stay away from blogs like this…
not sure when “feminist” came to be construed with “slob”…
and out of curiosity, I have no problem with the one who’s home doing a larger part of the housework, question is though, if *he* lost his job and *you* were at the office all day, would he do the same?
I like how I did all of these things for my boyfriend (not including going out with any friends) and took care of our son, but he still left me.
Oh and don’t forget I go to college and I work as a nanny for three children five days a week. Some guys just don’t know when they have a good thing going. I think I should move but now its the dead of winter its snowing!!
Some guys are just losers. It’s happened to the best of us, Nicole. My advice has always been to keep a bit of a nest egg somewhere he doesn’t know about, enough to be ok if he douches out. Then years later if he turned into a great boyfriend/husband you can do what you want with the $$$. Surprise your family with a great vacation, maybe spend the money on yourself or something. Start a business, idfk. It’s better to be safe than sorry though.
Sounds like a housewife from 50s. Wake up.
I’m so going to try and follow this blog………I have recently moved from the UK where I have given up a good job to support my husband with his promotion. I am starting to go insane. I have slipped into the bad routine of getting up at mid day and have started not to leave the hose for two or three days on a row and I dont feel very healthy. One of the main difficulties I have is that I don’t know anyone else here so I’m not really getting that me time……. hopefully it will come……… Thanks for this.
s any consolation, men are not good in handling heartaches.
Tell him what’s going on and let him know that it’s time to
move on ‘ separately. He’s pulling away from you, and you
feel like the impending breakup is inevitable.
I thought this article was accurate stating various methods to keep your boyfriend happy. I too am a stay at home girlfriend of four months and I truly appreciate being able to stay home. Before I met my boyfriend I used to wait tables. Although I have a bachelor’s degree I have not been able to find employment in my field yet. To my surprise my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to work as a server anymore and allows me to stay home with my daughter. I agreed with everything in this article. The comment about the sex being important is very true. I know that there will be times when it’s not going to happen but it is a priority to keep your mate happy. If you are too tired to have sex with your partner there will be someone else who is eager at the chance. You can’t expect a monogamous relationship with your partner and then not have sex with them when they are wanting you. Unless there is a good reason to decline sex you should be willing. Same thing goes for the attention aspect. You can have your own life of course, but actively showing interest and enthusiasm for your partner deepens the love and bond you share. The views in the article are traditional yes, but it is my opinion that they do work. I do all of the things mentioned in this article and my boyfriend is very happy. He even does more for me in return like sending flowers to the house, taking me to dinner, or buying me a special gift just because he says I deserve it. I know that my circumstance is not typical and many may not be as fortunate, but I do know that the more love and care you give the more you receive. It’s not about being stepford-ish it’s about showing love and appreciation through actions. Actions speak louder than words.
The level of judgemental in the comments here is kind of hilarious. So this girl likes to feel like she contributes to the relationship. What would you be saying if the article was about how she was depressed because she couldn’t find a job and all she could do all day was sit on her couch, watch the tv her boyfriend provided, and eat and gain weight? It sounds like she has made the best of a sh***y situation, and all you people can do is be horrified. No wonder divorce rates are through the roof.
I think in a way it’s nice to hear that someone is enjoying their relationship. I didn’t agree with every little thing the author said, but I don’t think she deserves to be flamed as badly as the women here have done.
This article sounds like a personal ad. It sounds like a single woman who has NO experience living with a man that just wants guys to email her asking her out bc she THINKS this is how she will be when she gets him. I must commend you on your technique. The line about the $60 Brazilians to make male readers think about ‘that’ area.
Newsflash it sounds fun and cute and all women want to please their man but the moment he gets used to it and chews you out for taking a day off (which you WILL need) then you’ll be rethinking this strategy.
Good for you if the only thing you want to do is cater to him and don’t have other things going for you in life other than job hunting and boozing in between catering for him. But for those of us active women that have lives and have gone through this exact thing already, we understand how ridiculous this article sounds. This kind of attitude towards being all things domestic to a guy only lasts for about 3 months, the right amount of time it takes for him to settle into the routine. Because TRUST me 40 years from now he is not going to still be appreciating it, he’s going to EXPECT it.
Oh and of course all the men will be FOR this article. Men want free maids and easy sex. Duh. If it was a guy writing about how he loves to spoil his woman with jewelry and gifts, all of us women would be like ‘Yeah youre the perfect guy. Other guys are jealous of your wealth.’ LOL. So biased.
I’d like to address each of your points.
1. Don’t sleep in. I did the whole spending time with him in the morning thing. Eventually he got bored of the same routine of me chatting with him about nothing but catering to him. So I started going to the gym, as he left the house. That way he KNEW I didn’t sleep till noon. But I didn’t get up solely to please his ego that I was waiting at his beck and call.
2. Keep the place clean. Woooooo. I still lose my breath on this one. My home was spotless b4 he moved in. I did this whole Betty Crocker routine and the man felt sooo entitled. No matter what I did the house was a mess. He only made messes and he DID NOT LIFT A FINGER. Then he got picky and started saying the equivilent of ‘you missed a spot’. Nothing was ever right. If I am cleaning for him while he is at work, the LEAST he could do is pick up behind himself when he’s home. Him having a job didn’t make him God. You say when you were working it didnt get done till Saturday. Your bfs a lazy slob. Not only does he not lift a finger while you’re a SAHG, but he never did even when you worked too! Jeez…. Cleaning up gives you something to do?! WTF. I can think of 20 other things to DO in my spare time after submitting resumes. Double jeez.
3. Cook dinner every night. No complaint with this one. Except that he eventually started snubbing my cooking, as if it wasn’t good enough. Thats what they do when they start taking you for granted. I still cooked. We’ve all gotta eat.
4. Keep yourself up. Yes this is a must. But not to keep a man happy, just to keep your confidence up. You don’t want to be depressed and sitting at home cleaning all day and then look in the mirror and see a fat dirty slob! See #1 about the gym!
5. Pamper him. Ok I actually like this one. This is why my current bf loves me. However my EX was a shit-face that took it for granted. I used to pack the super cheesy doritos in my exs lunch, and once they didn’t have any stocked. He came home and bitched out at me about it! As if he couldn’t buy some from the vending machine at work! Beware.
6. Sexy time. Admittedly, I’m a freak. I love sex. So I don’t think I’ve ever turned a bf down. But I think that it’s silly to think that all women should just spread em when a guy wants it. If she’s not in the mood, she’s not. Doesn’t make her lazy or evil. He should be happy with her even if she does say no sometimes.
7. Leave the house. I don’t know if I believe you on this one. I don’t see how you could possibly leave the house, since your mind is on pleasing your bf 24/7. What if your cellphone dies and you miss his home phone call? What if he comes home early and you miss him? What if you get stuck in traffic and you don’t make it home b4 him? You sound like that kind of woman. I guess you would have to be boozed up if you lived a life like that.
Sometimes being the best sahg you can be can get in the way of your career.
P.S. Yes clingy behavior will make him crazy and he’ll cheat and move on despite all of your efforts.
What I don’t understand is that you do ALL of this for him yet he can’t shell out cash for your weekly salon trips and ribs? Like WHAT?
this is not how things work in the real world.
This is all well and good but why don’t you just get a job? Then you’d have 2 times the income. I appreciate the effort but sitting at home on your ass all day while hubby brings home the bacon isn’t cool. Way to set your Gender back 50 years.
Cheers Jack.
I thought the title said, “How to Survive a Stay At Home Girlfriend.”
I would like to ask a question as I know a lot of people on here have good oppions.
I am the one that brings in the most cash in my relationship and is better with money so I pay all the bills and the rent for a flat that we live in. Which is tiny I mean really tiny.
Thats fine but then when I come home from work I normally do some tidy to all the tiding.
My man works in a pub and finishes about 5:00 so the same time as me but once hes finished work he like to sit the other sidebof the bar and drink till like 10 at night or later. Some times im waiting at home to have food with him.
Am I wasting my tine I think the question is.
This is one of the most misogynistic, sexist articles I have seen in years. Is this for real? At first I thought it had to be satire.
WOw. i need something like this :p
Can I get a status update on this post? Are you working now? Married? Septumplets on the way?
Lmao at the butt hurt bratty bitches that are offended by this article. It’s great because your anger shows how much into feminism you are to avoid personal responsibility. Personal responsibility to carry your weight when you live with someone. Personal responsibility for equality you whine about constantly.
Honestly I think most of the “women” here are mad the author is more of a women then they will EVER be. BTW you can replace woman with responsible adult if that offends you ;). nln
Why are so many women that are making comments on this blog girlfriends instead of WIVES? Just in case you didn’t know, REAL men don’t marry women that they shack up with!!! Why would he marry someone that he’s reaping the benefits with already? (food, sex, maid service, etc.) I’m so glad that I’m an independent and SELF-SUFFICIENT woman who can mostly handle things on her own, with God’s help! I have never shacked up with a man and I don’t plan to, unless it’s my husband! Young women today really need to get some high self-esteem and stop letting these men make fools out of them!!!
I really enjoyed reading this. My bf and I moved to a new state and we don’t know anyone. On top of me being alone all day, we agreed I wouldn’t work until I found my passion, unfortunately Ihavent figured it out! So, I have so many feelings to talk about and it is literally ruining our relationship! Bc I am so clingy now, him being mad at me, makes me so upset that I DO sleep until noon and just mope around. Ive been getting it together lately, but not having friends is the hardest part! I’m going to follow your routine and hopefully I make a friend or 2 somehow bc my relationship is at stake!