How to sell your [redacted] online

Picture 15Note: This article has been sanitized to comply with Google AdSense family-friendliness policies.

Have you ever looked around your room and wondered what you could sell for some extra/much needed cash? Did you look in your small-laundry items drawer? Maybe you need to.

The used-bottom fashion trade is a flourishing industry where sellers can make up to $75 a pair, and routinely between $15 and $30. By sellers, I mean average women (some very average) who are selling their tush-covers to pay bills or even buy wedding gowns. Don’t ask me how I know this. But if you’re interested in earning a couple hundred bucks a month for doing something you’re probably already doing for free, here’s what to sell and where to sell it.

Sorry George. Nobody wants those.

Sorry, George. Nobody wants those.

Who can sell their fundees?
Women of all shapes, sizes and ages seem to be finding willing buyers. Men also can sell their worn grape-smugglers, but they are much less in-demand (although men in women’s garden tarps is a niche market). The average pair of knick-knacks goes for around $20, and occasionally as high as $50. Star hanky-blank sellers (veterans with lots of satisfied customers offering rave reviews, just like on eBay) can earn up to $75 a pair.

Where do I sell it?
As with any product, you want it to be seen. However, due to the nature of the item, you can’t exactly create a Facebook fan page or Twitter account. Many sites are out there to connect buyers and sellers. Here are the most popular choices among first-time and veteran sellers.

Craigslist: You can always try posting your ad in the personals section for free, but you run the risk of it being flagged, and very quickly. In the adult section (for a $5 fee), you can sell your skidmark containers without hassle. The catch is, you have to filter through all the “non-buyers” and their suggestive email requests.

Ebanned.net: This is a great mature person website dedicated only to selling the things you can’t on eBay. You create a listing of what you want to sell, someone buys it and you ship it—simple as that. There’s no fuss of back and forth with the buyer. The downside is, your listing runs alongside many others for the exact same thing. To give you an idea, there currently are around 300 listings for used victoria’s secrets. Ebanned charges a listing fee of 40 cents, along with extra features like $1 for bold headlines, $3 for highlighted headlines, etc. Pay the extra dollar for a highlighted background—it’s always worth it.

SpongeBobUsed (roupa interior) portal.com, AKA CulotteHog: Since eBay put the kibosh on selling unterwasche (or not wasched, in this case), dozens of other similar websites have popped up, and these sites are a bustling hive of forums, tips, and hints. If you want the most out of your selling experience, CulotteHog is your new best friend. Posting is free, and there’s an array of hosting options, like “About Me” pages, helpful info for first-timers in their “Used Hanes University” section, interviews with pros and most importantly, a free seller directory. Sometimes the level of involvement is a bit much when all you want is to wear the diddle bits and get paid, without getting to know your buyer and his plans for your product.

Can I sell my granny’s prized heirlom private wardrobe items?
You can, but cash-cows have bows, ribbons, zippers and buttons. And less is more when it comes to fabric. By less, I mean whale tails, which usually bring in $25-$40. Lacy boycuts come in at a close second at around $15-$25 and string Spongebob’s hometowns take third with average earnings of $7-$15. Stock up at Marshall’s or JCPenny, which tend to have clearance bins where cute ondergoeds can run $2 a pair.

Typically, trunks for yo junk are advertised as having been worn for one to three days. Buyers will sometimes request longer or more “specialized” wears. This gets as cringe-worthy you can imagine. It all boils down to your own level of comfort: If you don’t want to do something, someone else out there will. So stick only with what you’re okay with.

Wait, I have to post pictures?
Yep. Just like with selling things on Ebay, Etsy, or Craiglist, you have to show the merch. Stay away from blurry, phone camera pictures. The customers want to see the product in clear view. Beginners don’t usually show their faces—the important part of the picture is you in the valuable asset up for sale. It helps to have a few drinks first, then set up that self-timer and get to work. Be mindful of the background. Kids’ toys—or an actual kid—might be a turnoff.

Picture 16The most important in this step—to keep yourself from backing out of it, that is—is to think of the money you’ll make for doing zero extra work, save going to the post office. What you DO NOT want to do here is think of the men you’ll be sending your wedgie-makers to, or all the things they might do with your pan….NO, stay away from that. Just take a sobering look at your bank account/credit card bill/student loan and commit.

 

What happens next?
You’ll need to set up an account with Alertpay so you can get paid. Yes, there are many other online account options, but AlertPay is the only one that officially allows the transaction of happy thoughts and hugs for your perfectly legal grownup thundergarments. If Paypal finds out that $35 transfer was for your ladywear, they’ll fine you up to $500.

After all that set-up, don’t get discouraged if you don’t get 18 bidders in the first 10 minutes. If it doesn’t sell, list it again. Like any small business starting out, it takes some time to make a name for yourself, but then you do and the money starts rolling in. You also could sell your first pair right away, and in two days have $30 you didn’t have before. You just never know until you try. A good seller writes her buyers thank-you emails. You want to turn those first-timers into repeat buyers. They can and will become a steady source of income.

Can I sell my socks too?
Yep, along with melon slings, L’Eggs, adult, uh, dye pers, etc. If you can think of it, there’s probably already a niche market out there.

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