Do this to me again and I will fucking murder you. Photo by Derrick Sanskrit Kennelty-Cohen

I was hit by a car today. Lightly, but it was still scary because it could have been a lot worse. A livery car driver decided he just had to pull over when I was next to him, so without checking his mirror, he pulled over right into me. Maybe I wouldn’t mind, but I was hit by a car two years ago. And have had close calls since then.

The picture? That’s from when I wasn’t lucky enough to get hit by a slow-moving car, and got to learn the joys of not being able to bathe myself, not being able to walk and then spending months learning how to do those things again. So, in the interest of my own desire to keep living and not being paralyzed, here are some tips to drivers on how not to kill me with your cars, since my experience and this study about pedestrian collisions show you don’t know how to do that. (more…)

You can’t sit with us! via Criminal Queers.

Despite the greatest fears of right-wing homophobes, it seems that the gay agenda is failing – at least in Bushwick, that is. Despite  being a highly homo-populated neighborhood (as is much of Brooklyn), it seems that there are just not enough places where one can go to explicitly avoid all those pesky straight people. (more…)

Coney Island, 2015. via Flickr user Ashlee Catherine

Brace yourselves, Coney Island, hurricane Rita is coming, as in Main Street ‘Rita, that vaguely booz-ish beverage you ordered off the Applebee’s menu to dull the pain when your parents wanted to go to dinner in Times Square. Amusing the Zillion reports Coney Island is set to become a strip mall chain mecca copying all the authentic local charm of your average highway rest stop, with Johnny Rockets, Checker’s, Red Mango and an (blrgghgg) Applebee’s set to open soon, with others like Outback and Hooters in developers’ sights too, a rage-inducing proposition for which no curse word yet exists, so we will invent one: This is a mediocrifuck. A blanddicking. But really? It’s the Myrtle-Beach-ification of our once-beloved beach.

Myrtle Beach, for those who are fortunate enough not to have visited, is both one of the worst beaches in America and among the worst, soul-suckingly tacky places in the country: endless chains and theme restaurants, a never-ending loop of Jimmy Buffett blaring from every chintzy t-shirt shop, 40-story high rise hotels with frat-vomit filled lazy rivers in their basements and all the originality of a Disney beach-themed ride. Coney was once the anti-Myrtle Beach; is it now officially too late to go back? (more…)

See, it’s funny because PBRfedoraartisanal

Sunday TV’s longest-running sitcom, The Simpsons, logged another stop in its 2012 Desiccation Tour with an episode dedicated to the “cool-ification” of Springfield by Portland natives, voiced by Portlandia’s Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein. Though the show dodged the use of the term “hipster” thank god (they rely on the simple word “cool” and Fred’s character refers to his demographic as “us-types”), it’s pretty clear that The Simpsons were looking to take on that new fad (of the last 8 years) known as hipsterism. (more…)

We dd it guys! We were funny on Twitter! via Infowars

After the Presidential Debates, we issued a plea for people to step up their joke game on Twitter. You listened. Last night, with the deluge of campaign coverage options, including an apparently shitfaced Diane Sawyer on ABC, Twitter was the most entertaining. Behold, some of our favorite election tweets from Brooklyn funny people.

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Hockey bondafies: Team Brokelyn has got em.

Professional sports day continues here at Brokelyn with a statement of our official editorial position on the move of the New York Bodega Cats Islanders to Brooklyn: go the hell back to Nassau County you rotten losers. The people of Brooklyn shouldn’t even have a second thought about rejecting the Isles like a bad organ transplant. They bring the stink of losing with them, an embarrassing owner and the possibility of suburban crowds that already hate Brooklyn. And even better, the team is gonna be shoehorned into an arena that’s not even built for hockey. Oh well, guess that’s plenty of work for the overnight conversion crew. (more…)

The face of a man that can’t use Twitter. via The Rico and Mambo Morning Show

Last night marked the third and final Presidential Debate. Thank god, because I don’t think my newsfeed or my eyes can handle any more pointless tweets. Live-tweeting is as much a part of the American dream as playing the lottery: hoping against hope that a blog will see your brilliant tweet, broadcast it and you’ll get a ton of new followers and a book or a sitcom. But at the very least, turn off Facebook sharing so that your loved ones aren’t subjected to your  ”wit.” (more…)

Shoe rental is still extra.

So, you want to participate in the the most important election of your lifetime (other than the last presidential election, and the one after this) but you’ve already put in time at the phone bank. Short of committing light voter fraud by not updating your voter registration from its current Pennsylvania swing state status, what else can you do?  The folks behind Baracklyn, an Obama fundraiser being coming to Brooklyn Bowl on Monday, would like you to participate in our democracy the old-fashioned way: by opening your wallet, or just handing it over to them, really. Guests include Newark Mayor Cory Booker and Jonathan Safran Foer, and a performance by Steve Earle (and there’s free babysitting too). Should you do it? Cynical opinion-mongering awaits you below! (more…)