Articles by

Kenji Magrann-Wells

07/03/15 11:20am
Because George Washington died for your right to wrap things in bacon

Because George Washington died for your right to wrap things in bacon

Thanks to thousands of years of celebrating on behalf of the human race, there are holidays for just about everyone. The devout and nog-lovers have Christmas, the hideous and horny have Halloween, dreidel aficionados have Hannukah, but what of us, the frugal foodies? If only there was a holiday devoted to eating awesome, messy food made of the cheapest ingredients and drinking cheap beer while we’re at it. Also, it would be great if there were flags. And explosions. You get where I’m going here,

4th of July is quite possibly the best holiday available for people who love to cook and hate to spend a dime doing it. Even if you don’t happen to be running your big 4th of July barbecue, the fact is that you’re still expected to bring some sides, because that’s what Abraham Lincoln would do. So, if you don’t want to seem like a complete and eternal tool, you’ll bring something, ideally tastier than stale hot dog buns and ice. Here are a few recipes that require minimal effort for maximum “Holy crap, did they make those?! Get them a beer!”, as well as being as budget-friendly as you are American. That’s “very,” by the way. (more…)

07/01/15 4:01pm
Oh wait, never mind, these people look miserable. Via Craigslist

Oh wait, never mind, these people look miserable. Via Craigslist

Hello, Brooklynites, and happy Wednesday to you all! I’d like to issue a message specifically to the unhappily employed out there in our fine borough: I am envious of you. My job of sniffing out the best employment opportunities in NYC has never been easier, and if I wasn’t so happily employed at the completely-not-made-of-cardboard offices of Brokelyn I’d be racing to snap all of these jobs up as quickly as I could. Fortunately, if you are job-deficient, or even just annoyed by your boss’s pronunciation of “banal”, then the stars have aligned for you, since it has never been easier to get a job that makes you the least ba-nal person in the room. (more…)

06/18/15 8:09am
This was literally the least gross picture we could find of the place. Via Facebook

This was literally the least gross picture we could find of the place. Via Facebook

Hello, desperate job-seekers, and welcome to another Wednesday edition of Now Hiring! What’s that? It’s Thursday? Well, it seems I have gone upon another one of my job-hunting binges, resolving in me waking up in the gutter passed out in a puddle of rainwater with five new places of employment. Well, I apologize to you, and to the fifty other hiring companies I interviewed (actually, yelled) at trying to crack exactly how their HR departments worked, but I assure you it is all worth it in the end when I show you the fantastic new job opportunities I’ve found! Now then, I’ll probably just head home. Although, that ad agency on the corner is hiring… (more…)

06/03/15 4:01pm
BAM, and, by proxy, David Byrne need you. Via Flickr

BAM, and, by proxy, David Byrne need you. Via Flickr

Do you need a new job? What? No, you don’t? Are you sure? No, it’s fine…I just spent all this week rounding up the best job posts in New York, specifically for you. I mean, these are some fantastic, amazing jobs that I’ve found, but I guess if you’re totally fine, then whatever. Are you sure you don’t want to at least look? Does your job involve medieval art and mastery of the perfect pie? You should probably at least do a quick browse, you know, just for fun. And to find a new career that will make you truly happy in life. Happy hunting! (more…)

05/20/15 2:51pm
Watch out, I heard this lunatic put the last Account Coordinator in the hospital. Via Facebook

Watch out, I heard this lunatic put the last Account Coordinator in the hospital. Via Facebook

Hello Brooklynites, and sorry. I’m sorry that we live in such dangerous times, with rabid real-estate brokers pawing at our neighborhoods, a militarized police force clashing with the government, and, of course, bears. Now, there are many things you should be worrying about, but getting a job shouldn’t be one of them. I can attest first-hand that there are still jobs-a-plenty floating around New York City, and I can say this with the utmost authority since I have spent my week combing through job listing after job listing to find you some of the best possible chances at employment on the market. So, worry not Brooklyn, because your future career starts today! That is, if you’re not eaten by bears on the way to the interview. (more…)

05/06/15 3:51pm
victoria's secret

Want to be an underwear executive? Keep reading! via Facebook

Welcome, millionaires of Brooklyn, and please join us in this week’s MansionMania™! What’s that? You aren’t a millionaire? You’re actually pretty broke, you say? I should read the name of the website, you say? Well, if you’re going to get all hissy about it, I suppose you could use a few more revenue streams (not that your Etsy for dogs made of dog hair isn’t making bank), so how about a new job? Luckily for you, we here at Brokelyn have already taken care of that bit by combing through every inch of the internet, and, after taking a long shower in bleach, compiling every decent job available in New York as of right frickin’ now. So, if you can’t find a good job here, then there’s no hope in finding it anywhere else, and best of luck in your dog Etsy. (more…)

04/22/15 3:53pm
Now with more SkyNet! Via Facebook

Now with more SkyNet! Via Facebook

Ah, springtime in the city. It’s a magical time of year, reminding us of the winter hell-scape come to past, and the burning sweatbaths that await us in the near future. In these perfect moments, stuck between the mirroring unpleasantness of New York weather extremes, it seems like the days can go on forever. However, if your job sucks and makes you want to smash a window, that might not be a good thing. Lucky for you, it sounds like the solution to your problem is to simply find a new, better job, which is even simpler when we here are Brokelyn bring you some of the best career opportunities hiring this week. Cherish this time instead of dreading your job, because soon enough you’ll be sweating puddles in the subway station and cursing the bastard who invented “sleeves.” (more…)

04/08/15 3:20pm
Because chocolate factories are notoriously terrible places to work. Via Flickr

Because chocolate factories are notoriously terrible places to work. Via Flickr

The end is nigh! Wait, why are you throwing that trashcan through a window? Oh, I should have specified: The end of your less-than-ideal career is nigh! If you consider yourself to be a generally talented person with little-to-no body odor and killer workplace banter about the latest Game of Thrones episode, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t be out there working at the position of your dreams, or at least, not sitting at home all day. Seriously, you’re talking to the cat too much. Way too much. To that end, we here at Brokelyn have yet again corralled some of the best career opportunities in New York just for you, because we care about your wellbeing. And the wellbeing of Mr. Whiskers.

03/25/15 8:23am
Magazines about what's in right now are so in right now. Via NYLON

Magazines about what’s in right now are so in right now. Via NYLON

Brooklyn is a big place, and getting bigger every day, since random boroughs are rapidly becoming annexed by deranged real estate agents. Point is, if you’re looking for something out there, you’re likely to find it, whether it be a significant other who likes home-brewing and needlepoint rap lyrics as much as you do, or finding a place where you can get a damn whiskey coke without judgement and under 7 bucks. More than anything, though, it means that if you’re looking for an awesome job involving doing what you love, it could only be mere stops on the G train away. Which is to say, several hours. But the ride will be worth it once you find yourself breaking out of your boring desk job and expressing your inner dancer/sommelier/poet/psychopath!

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03/11/15 2:45pm
On one hand, you get to be around these all day, but on the other, you can't eat all of them. Via Roberta's Pizza

On one hand, you get to be around these all day, but on the other, you can’t eat all of them. Via Roberta’s Pizza

Hello, residents of Brokelandia, and welcome to another edition of Now Hiring! I’ve recently heard word that a strange new season is coming about, one that doesn’t involve ice rain and blizzards and might actually be pleasant, and while your old job was “good enough” in that it had heating and you were sitting too close to Carroll from H.R., but she runs hot so it’s okay, when these precious few weeks of perfection come along, you’ll want the perfect career to go with them. While “perfect” may mean many things to many different people, we here at Brokelyn have put together a list with a little something for everyone, from the gym-bro to the number-cruncher, so read below and find out what your new best job ever is going to be. (more…)