When life gives you lemons you make lemonade. It follows that when life gave us the current election cycle, many tried to turn a profit on it. Ample Hills kept things chill with candidate-themed ice cream flavors; a number of New Yorkers tried to profit in a different way by putting up Craigslist hookup ads for debate-watch sex; and all over the internet, people started churning out anti-Trump merchandise faster than you could say “bad hombre.”
Because we defend your first amendment right to shout “Trump sucks!” from the rooftops, Brokelyn has rounded up the best of said joke merchandise on the web right now. If you have a few dollars to spare, donate them to Hillary! But after that, buy yourself one of these neat items. You deserve it for sitting through last night’s presidential debate without imploding.
Nasty woman t-shirt (Google Ghost), $25
If you prefer your jokes short and to-the-point, opt for this simple design. Printed on a white men’s American Apparel jersey cotton tee, this shirt comfortably brands you as exactly the kind of nasty woman that Donald Trump is threatened by. Your purchase comes with a karmic boost, too: 50 percent of proceeds from these shirts will go to Planned Parenthood! $1.99 shipping.
There’s also a stellar Brooklyn-made Nasty Woman tee (from Nastywoman.co, because the internet is magic) for $25, and proceeds also go to Planned Parenthood.
Here’s another Nasty Woman tee for after you vote.
Not Up For Grabs tank top (Etsy), $32
Also in the t-shirt category, this joke hits a little lower. We at Brokelyn are lovers of the fine and subtle art of wordplay; Shakespeare used double entendres to mock society’s dummies all the time, and you can too! This “Not Up for Grabs” tank is great. The reference to Trump’s pussy-grabbing comment is obvious, but his shirt offers added wear post-election as it speaks to the simple experience of being a woman on the street in NYC, i.e. trying not to get groped or catcalled or propositioned at every turn.
Pussy Trumps Hate mug (TeeSpring), $15
Our friends over at Lady Parts Justice whipped up a whole bunch of merch with this “Pussy Trumps Hate,” logo, but we like the mug for its nice bright readability and a straightforward message you can take in with your coffee first thing in the morning. Do you somehow have a Trump-loving roommate? Get real passive aggressive by sipping (your tea) out of this pussy-powered piece whenever they’re around. $4 shipping.
Donald Trump Toilet Paper (eBay), $6.95
Rump 2016: this Donald Trump toilet paper makes for a great addition to any bathroom! After hearing the shit that comes out of his mouth, you may as well fill it with your own. And it’s 3-ply, so you’ll probably only need one pillowy orange-haired ass wipe per trip. FYI, I wouldn’t recommend gifting this to any female friends: no woman wants Trump’s face anywhere near her pussy. Free shipping.
Trump-scented Candle — Now with actual hair! (Etsy), $18.50
Move over, Mrs. Meyers. This Trump-scented candle endeavors to “make America smell great again” with a blend of two incredibly classy smells: suntan lotion and steak. The candle is topped with a tuft of orange hair (presumably to relieve stress at work as you run your hands through it, and not to give you daytime nightmares). The candle’s label includes fun extras like a candle poll — “Trump-scented candle” narrowly beats out “Ben Carson describing the smell of his hands” — and a Fire Hazard warning about how the United States would be consumed by a fiery cataclysm of death and destruction if Trump became president.
Trump is Pooey baby onesie (Etsy), $18
“Trump is pooey” is a surprisingly accurate sentiment, it just wouldn’t be taken seriously coming from anyone over the age of 2. Let your baby say it instead, in this cute onesie that comes in five different colors! Brokelyn doesn’t usually endorse using your baby as a poster board for your own beliefs, but in this case we’ll let it slide.
Trumpbusters pin (Roshendraws), $10
$2 of every sale of this pin by Roshen Carman goes to immigration services in New York helping people build a better life for their families and a stronger, more diverse work force here in the US. AKA something Trump would HATE.
Dump Trump pin (Etsy), $5
Nothing to add.
Miranda July’s El primer hombre malo (The First Bad Man), (eBay), $15.51
This collection of short stories by Miranda July (ostensibly titled “The first ‘bad hombre'” if you mix together the English and Spanish titles) talks about our universal need to be loved. July wrote this long before Trump ever said that nonsense on screen, but it’s a prescient collection all the same. Instead of wearing the words Bad Hombre on your chest on some random t-shirt — which doesn’t speak to anything besides an election entirely devoid of any humanity — let this book is restore your hope in the world! You’ll need it after the election is over and the media frenzy really begins.
Also, “The First Bad Man” is an excellent moniker for Donald Trump.
Follow Sam on Twitter for more novelty content: @ahoysamantha