The five worst Brooklyn behaviors on Tinder

I joined Tinder pretty much the minute I noticed that both of my roommates were sitting at the kitchen table right next to each other, both using Tinder, totally unaware they were both doing that. Being a stand-up comedian, that was my sign that I pretty much needed to sign up immediately to see what the hell this was, immediately make a seriously funny video of my roommates and I all going on Tinder together at once, and create a a seriously hilarious live comedy show about Tinder.

The show became a not-as-mean-spirited-as-you-might-think combination of my Tinder Picks Of The Week (the best of the worst Tinder profiles) and then actually going on Tinder live in front of a massive audience with a panel of comedians, sex writers/workers, and TV writers from Jimmy Fallon, Last Week Tonight, and Conan analyzing the profiles with me and leaving it up to the audience as to whether or not I should swipe right or left. It’s crazy fun, anything can (and does) happen, and if you haven’t been yet, you need to go.

That said, using my knowledge gleaned from hosting these shows and spending countless hours on Tinder doing “research”, here are the 5 worst Brooklyn behaviors on Tinder.

1. Actually, seriously putting “Brooklyn” as one of your interests.
I guess we could give you points for writing literally anything in your bio, but seriously? You have an opportunity to actually tell a stranger more about yourself and the best you can come up with is “I’m interested in the city wherein I reside?” Okay.
Related: writing that your additional interests include “beer” and “chillin”.

2. Dudes asking women to come to their neighborhood.
If you asked her out, ask to meet her somewhere that is convenient for her and where she feels comfortable. It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, most dudes are afraid their dates are going to be ugly and most women are afraid they’re going to get murdered. Also, asking her to come to the freaking Upper West Side when you know for a fact she lives in Brooklyn just makes you look like a lazy, entitled tool. Blocked.

3. Asking a girl to “hang out” instead of “go out.”
This move is totally cool when you’re not specifically on a site for dating and hook-ups, but you are and you’re not 14. It’s okay to actually admit you like this person and actually ask her to go on a date with you. Even if you just wanna get laid, it’s less “I am ordering a hooker” and more “I’m not some hipster wearing several layers of indifference so you won’t know I actually like you, even though we both know I think you’re hot because that’s why we’re talking on Tinder.”

4. Women who never ask you about yourself.
I’ve definitely seen a lot of queer and straight women act like they’re being interviewed on Jimmy Fallon’s couch. Like, yes he’s asking you questions and yes you should be picky because NYC dating can be intense, but it’s cool to ask the other person questions too! You are not interviewing them for a job, you’re talking to a hot person on an app.

5. Relying on your beard.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen some version of “Oh and I have a beard” listed as basically the only info about a guy. That doesn’t make you a snowflake, that makes you a Brooklynite. Swipe left.

Lane Moore is a stand-up comedian and writer for places like The Onion and McSweeney’s, and Sex & Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.com. Follow Lane Moore on Twitter and check out Tinder Live on Thursday, October 16 at 9:30pm at the Knitting Factory.

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