Turn your workplace horror stories into hilarity at the No Office Holiday Party!

kurt braunohler — Let Kurt heal your workaday woes.

You’re probably sitting in a coffee shop somewhere right now — if it’s Gorilla Coffee, stop looking at my screen! — while hacking away at your work, thinking about how great it is to not be in an office, and how much fun you’re going to have at tonight’s No Office Holiday Party (7:30 at Littlefield). OK, it’s possible you’re in an office and procrastinating by reading this too, but there’s one thing freelancers, work-from homers and cubicle dwellers share: annoying bosses, clients, coworkers/fellow coffee-shop squatters. Tonight’s party gives you the chance to vent your frustrations through the hilarious mouthpiece of Kurt Braunohler: he’ll be collecting your worst workplace horror stories and using them for fodder in his act. Also: you can bring a cheap gift for the Secret Santa swap! And drinks! Live-band karaoke! And an exclusive Australian sexy Santa-ess! But I can’t wait until tonight so I’m going to kick off the bitching below.

My boardwalk boss accused me of using the basement of our CD game stand as my personal hot box all summer long (I didn’t. I swear Earl!).

My high school best friend’s family owned a restaurant I bussed in for two summer. One night, her dad accused me of stealing a customer’s gold necklace from a lost and found lock box. I didn’t. He didn’t believe me. I gave him my apron and quit that night rather than suffer accusing eyes from a family I truly liked (well, maybe not the dad).

At an annual Trader Joe’s review, I was told I was both “having too much fun” and “not enjoying myself enough.” My brain exploded all over the edamame hummus and someone had to ring a two bell to clean it up.

At my last newspaper job in South Carolina, I was investigating a homeless encampment in the woods when I stepped in human shit.

(Get more inspiration from Sue Smith’s post about her show Minimum Rage)

What’ve you got? Be there tonight to share!

7:30pm, Littlefield, 622 Degraw St, Gowanus. Just $5!