Hot take: Halloween isn’t for everybody. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great holiday. It just favors creatives and DIY experts to a fault. Many people are Hallo-wise enough to start planning their costume for the following year on Nov. 1. — and if you’re one of those people, more power to you! — but that leaves the rest of us lazybones procrastinators feeling somehow underprepared to party alongside everyone else. Unless you’re engaging in cosplay-levels of credible costumery, you’ve got to come up with something funny that’ll pass for effort.
Brokelyn knows this better than anyone, having rolled up to countless Halloween parties both in and out of hastily-cobbled costume ourselves. We don’t like to see you suffer on a holiday that should be meant for pure enjoyment and spooky revelry, so we’ve put together a comprehensive list of last-minute, low-cost costumes that harken to relatable themes and memes of 2016.
[You’ll note as you go that in our humble opinion, the best Halloween costumes are visual puns, or ones that take only a single punchline to explain. So, while these costumes may not win you every costume contest in town, they’re sure to get you a few laughs at every party you go to, and they’re simple enough to recycle from night to night. They also *probably* won’t get copied by someone else, unless that someone also read this article.]
THE YEAR 2016
From Stranger Things mania to all the high profile celebrity deaths, 2016 has certainly been a year of extremes. Here are costumes that reference the good, the bad and the ugly from this year in pop culture.
– Wear an exit sign on your chest and dress like you’re cold. Go as “Brrrr-exit.”
– Dress as an angel and cover yourself in post-it notes depicting outer space. When people ask how you died, tell them you exploded. Now you’re in “Galaxy Notes Heaven.”
– Go as a tiny pickle. Not a real one, a fake one. Tell everyone you’re from the Upside Down and you’re a “demo gherkin.” (Alternatively, dress as a Democrat voter and binge eat junk food all night. When people ask, tell them you’re just a “Dem a-gorgin’.”)
– Dress as the ghost of the late Prince, all in purple, but tell people you’re a Republican who still supports Donald Trump. You’re “Purpaul Ryan.”
– Bring french fries covered in gravy and cheese curds and keep offering them to everyone in a Russian accent. Now you’re “Vladimir Poutine.”
– Cover yourself in a jungle of leaves and just repeat everything everyone says one second after them. Congrats, you’re the “Amazon echo.”
– Wear a sign that says “free hugs” & impeccable David Bowie face makeup. Be a Bowie constrictor.
– Go as a production assistant to mediocre CNN reporter Don Lemon. Be a Lemon aide.
– Put on a Becky name tag and carry a toy rabbit. Tell people you’re “Becky with the good hare.”
– Slap an X or Y on your chest, wear an animal mask and arrive egregiously late to the party. You’re the “late Gene Wilder.”
– You and a friend dress as two female fish with down home family values about living under the sea. You’re the the “gill-mores Girls.”
– Dress as an enormously wealthy rapper but put on mosquito wings and fangs and try to suck people’s blood. You’re “Jay-Zika.”
– Just go as yourself, but have a habit of poking dudes and then running away. Tell people you’re “poke a man, go.” (Alternatively, carry a slab of raw fish and a mango — throw them at people you wish to conquer. Tell them this is how you play poké mango.)
– Wear a ghost sheet over your head and perform outside the party for spare change. Congratulations, you’re a ghost busker.
– Tape the outlines of New York and California to your tee shirt. When people ask what you are doing, tell them, “I ain’t afraid of no coasts.”
– Wear a large chain and padlock around your groin to secure your toxic masculinity throughout the Halloween evening. You’re “Ryan Locked-D.”
– Dress as a 49ers football player who refuses to believe the Earth is flat and be “Colin Kaepernicus.”
_______
ELECTION / POLITICAL
Come on, you can do better than a red sweater and glasses. We’ve got a list of political and election-themed costumes that are only as groan-worthy as some of the things that came out of Ben Carson’s mouth when he was still running, and might just be funny enough to get you laid.
– Wear underwear up and down the sides of your body. Go as an “undie-sided voter.” (Red sweater optional.)
– Carry green onions & encyclopedia, and speak with thick Russian accent. Tell everyone you’re “Wiki leeks.”
– Or, cover yourself in fur and keep growling and peeing everywhere, and you’ll be “Wookie leaks.”
– Cover yourself in thin cheesecloth mesh. Wear a “Hello, I’m” nametag and write Ben. Go as Ben-Gauzy.
– Cover yourself in sticks, leaves and attach a few plush birds to yourself. Go as a “nesty woman.” (Alternately: Make yourself a pageant sash with the Nestea logo. Then be the Nestea woman.)
– Dress like an Italian who lives on the Jersey Shore and tell people you’re just a regular guy who doesn’t support Donald Trump anymore. You’re the “Gio P.”
– Wear Olympic sweatbands and a lab coat and stethoscope. Use it militantly on anyone dressed like an animal. When people ask what you’re doing, tell them you’re “extreme vetting.”
– Dress as a vagina and cover yourself in dollar bills. Go as Bill-y Bush.
– Line your inner thighs with $5 bills. Go as “Lincoln Chafe-y”
– Dress as undead Jesus but also the governor of New Jersey: “Corpus Christie.”
– Get an old pair of light pants and use a Sharpie to draw microphones all over them and start denying access to abortion. Go as “Mic Pants.”
– Wear a tutu and boxing gloves and be “ballet box.”
– Dress in a karate gi, red sweater and keep throwing Fireball shots at everyone. Be “Hadu-Ken Bone.”
________
POINTLESS/ABSURD
These are just our ideas for absurd costumes. Because all the previous ones have not been absurd enough.
– Wear a large digital clock around your neck that is exactly one minute behind. Be a truly last-minute halloween costume.
– Dress in a dark helmet and believe in the Force of justice. Be Ruth Vader Ginsburg.
– Dress up as a bad-ass young woman archer who is a little racist and shoots sticks of butter: Katniss Pauladeen.
– Dress all in white like a masseuse, and offer to rub women’s knees while you explain things to them. You’re “massage-a-knee.”
– Dress as a finance bro and serve as a middle man to getting people hexed. You’re a “Bro-Curse fee.”
– Dress as a French friend who carries extra footwear and be “Ami Shoe More.”
IF YOU’RE NOT GOING OUT AT ALL
Just because you’re not going out this Halloween, doesn’t mean you can’t dress up. Here are great costumes to explain your absence from all the parties when people ask where you were.
– Just tell them you dressed as the L train in 2018.
– Tell them you dressed as available tickets to Hamilton.
– Say you were dressed as Taylor Swift’s political endorsement.
– Tell them you went as Trump’s tax returns.
Happy Halloween! Follow the Punderdome girls on Twitter for more word-slay. Sam: @ahoysamantha. Ariel: @arielboone.
Additional veiled humor by Tim: @timdonnelly.
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