How to be ‘Best Dressed’ at the Brokelyn High Homecoming Dance

“Do you prefer fashion victim – or ensembly challenged?” once professed noted philosopher Cher Horowitz. Well fear not freshmen, this comprehensive guide will have you rolling up to the Brokelyn High Homecoming Dance looking fly, funky, fresh. So dust off those pom-poms and lace up those Chuck Taylors because we’re going back…back to school.

The Mean Girls

Were you a heinous bitch in high school? Did you rule the school with a perfectly manicured fist? Probably not – because if you’re reading Brokelyn you didn’t peak when you were 16. Even if you weren’t the HBIC then, you can live out your queen bee fantasies on October 16. Take a page out of Regina George’s (burn) book:

TOPS:

-Form-fitting polo shirt with vaguely amorphous animal head in the corner

-Pink blouse (even though it won’t be a Wednesday – Regina will allow it)

-Anything with the “Abercrombie & Fitch” or “Hollister” logo emblazoned on it

-A tank top with holes cut out in the boobs, if you’re really daring

BOTTOMS:

-Denim, plaid or pink mini

-Low cut jeans with rhinestones on the butt

-A Juicy Couture tracksuit

SHOES:

-Uggs (preferably pink and/or sparkly)

-Stilettos

ACCESSORIES:

-Silver Tiffany’s necklace with the heart clasp, circa ’01

-A shit ton of lipgloss

-Pin-straight hair

-An impeccable eye-roll

_________________

Jock Chic 

Ready? Okay! Channel your inner Torrance Shipman or Lance Harbor with that sports uniform your mom just won’t throw out – even though you were on JV for like, a semester and you never saw field time.

TOPS:

-Jersey

-Tank top

-Letterman jacket (if you don’t have one already, step up your game exponentially by snagging a limited-edition Brokelyn High letterman – no athletic ability required)

-“Just Do It” Nike shirt

BOTTOMS:

-Tear-away pants

-Sweatpants

-Basketball shorts

-Running shorts

-Cheerleading uniform

SHOES:

-Sneakers

-Flip-flops

-Cleats

ACCESSORIES:

-Pom-poms

-Baseball cap

-Stopwatch

-Free weights

-The ability to carbo-load on insane amounts of pasta

_________________

Too-Cool-4-School

You know the type: bad boy, rule breaker, no stranger to detention. If you’re going for the antithesis of teacher’s pet, here’s how to outfit yourself, you troublemaker you:

TOPS:

-Leather jacket (extra points for “T-Birds” inscribed on the back)

-Denim jacket

-White t-shirt (extra points for a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve)

-Plaid button-up, undone

BOTTOMS:

-Blue jeans

-Black jeans

-Ripped jeans

SHOES:

-Chuck Taylors

-Combat boots

ACCESSORIES:

-Slicked back hair

-Sunglasses

-Fingerless gloves

-A bad attitude

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Freaks & Geeks

Nothing wrong with celebrating as the bottom of the high school food chain! Whether you want to be reincarnated as your freakiest or geekiest self the guidelines will help you reach prime loser status:

TOPS:

-Military jacket

-Ringer tee

-Button-up shirt fully buttoned up

-Any tee with horses/ponies/bunnies/wolves/dinosaurs depicted on it

-Itchy, lumpy, ill-fitting sweater

-Itchy, lumpy, ill-fitting sweater vest

BOTTOMS:

-Slacks with pleats, hiked way up

-Baggy cargo pants

-Wool skirt

SHOES:

-Penny loafers

-Saddle shoes

-Combat boots

-Tennis shoes

ACCESSORIES:

-Pocket protector

-Big ass glasses

-Chain wallet

-The hope that you won’t die a virgin

_________________

The Fashion Club
Okay, so you’re so trendy that you literally can’t even. Show that you’re not completely Clueless when it comes to clothes, because you know everyone looks Pretty In Pink. Here’s the dish on the hottest sartorial picks inspired by two of our favorite fashion-forward flicks:

TOPS:

-Plaid blazer with color-coordinated blouse

-Fuzzy sweater vest

-Crisp white button-up

-Bomber jacket

-Floral/patterned button-up

-Cardigan

BOTTOMS:

-Plaid mini skirt

-Floral dress

-Velvet dress

-Black slacks

SHOES:

-Platforms

-Anything patent leather

-Boots

-Converse Chucks

ACCESSORIES:

-Thigh-high socks

-Stuffed animal backpack

-A great hat

-Circular sunglasses

-Layered jewelry

-A bolero

-An application to FIT

Are your creative costume-assembling juices flowing yet? Good. Then muster up that courage to ask the cute guy/girl you’ve been secretly pining for from across the cafeteria and make a hero’s entrance at the Brokelyn High Homecoming Dance. See you there, Class of 2014!

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