The F Train: What to do if a willy won't stay up?

PhoThe F train is Brokelyn’s advice column for all you sensual New Yorkers who, like the F train, often have schedule changes in how frequently you come, struggle to get into the station or suffer from any other number of delays and track work. Think of this like the MTA Twitter but instead of public transit info we answer sex queries – send yours to [email protected].

My boyfriend has trouble getting and keeping an erection, but when he eventually does he ALSO comes very quickly. How can he have both? I didn’t even know that was physically possible!

– Forever down in Cliton Hill

Dear Cliton Hill,

First things first: This isn’t as dire as it may feel right now. It’s also a question I have been asked a lot recently, so you and your guy are not alone. (Also, erectile dysfunction coupled with pre-ejaculation is very common.) There’s a lot of pressure put on men and their dicks: how hard they can get them, how long they can last, how big and throbbing their penis is on average. (For the record the average is 5.25-5.5 inches when hard.) The last porno I watched basically implied every man’s penis should be 11 inches long, throbbing, and last for 57 minutes before ejaculating. That sounds awful. Personally, I like a good 10 minute sesh (and even that is pushing it sometimes).

Since I don’t have a lot of information on your situation I’m also going to make a few assumptions along the way. For example, I’m assuming you two have talked about this penile situation. Now if you haven’t, you need to talk. It’s obviously bugging you, so the topic should be put on the table. However, be gentle and sincere. And preferably not immediately after you two had sex. Actually, definitely don’t talk about his penis right after sex.

This is a delicate subject. His pride is mushed and he probably isn’t feeling very “manly” right about now (because society has constantly shoveled a very specific ideal when it comes to “men” and “manliness” down our male counterparts throats, even though the archaic idea of manliness and that gender is binary is utter bullshit… but I digress). That, coupled with feelings of inadequacy that he can’t please you and we are now in a no-win situation. Sit him down and let him know he should take his time. That he gets an erection when he gets his erection. He comes when he comes, and you will be there, either way. You didn’t start dating him for his dick. You started dating him for his butt (among other things).

Many couples go through this at the beginning of a new relationship. Are you two just beginning a new thing? A lot of times, this problem is just mental. Built up over time and by how much he wants to please the badass chick in his life, which can easily become a self-fulling prophecy for penis issues. Let him know it ain’t no thing. It can help if you take out his dark cloud of dread from the boudoir by giving him some good old reassurance. Believe me, he wants to please you. He wants to last so long for you! But there isn’t really a quick fix. Let him know you are there for him and be patient.

It’s important to remember there is so much more to being a good lover than how long someone can keep their penis hard. Is he someone who is sensitive to your needs? Does he check in to make sure you are satisfied? Is he ready and willing to give all your sexual fantasies a whirl? If you answered yes to those questions, then my lady, it’s time pull out the vibrators and dildos and have some fun! Or lead his head down between your legs. (Thank god for oral, amirite?!)

Show him there are so many ways to make you come besides a D in the V. You’ll get off, his confidence will boost, and statues will be erected in your honor! Then switch the tables and try some new toys on your guy. Or get out the lube and caress all parts of his body. Let one another find new tingly sensations and laugh. Explore what sex means to each of you. Some couples have amazing sex lives without ever using penetration as a way to get off.

Welcome to new sex! It’s been waiting for you.

This post has been updated, originally published in 2017.