It’s time to rifle through your laundry pile and find some pants, freelancers: the No Office Holiday Party is this Thursday! Sure, the annual tradition, which we co-host with our buddies at the skint, is a chance for the freelancers, work-from-homers, unemployed and otherwise itinerant workers of Brooklyn to gather to feel appreciated and get drunk on holiday cheer (and cheap drinks). But even if you have a real, adult office type party, we think the odds are pretty good that our party will be more fun. Find out why, and see what else is in store at the party, in this 10-point memo below. For one, we can tell you this party definitely does not require an etiquette guide of any kind.
1. We will help you be an actual rock star
Karaoke is fine and all, but we all know that singing along to a tinny version of a pop song feels a little cheap. This is where Rock Star Karaoke comes in: live band karaoke is basically like a warp tunnel that takes you right into the world of rock n roll stardom. You stand on the stage with an actual instrument-playing band backing you up, and suddenly it feels like all your spotlight dreams, come to life.
2. Selfies with your boss have nothing on our photo booth
Drunk photos with your boss seem like a good idea at the time. But then the next day you’re back at work getting yelled at for being hungover and it’s like that brief moment of friendship never happened. The No Office party comes fully equipped with Bibi Booth, one of the finest photobooths in all the borough, where you can make great keepsake images to put on your holiday cards (or, more likely, your profile photo).
3.These dogs beats your crummy crudité tray any day
No boring trays of carrots, celery and double-dipped hummus, or warming trays full of congealing ziti here; our drunk snacks come from Yeah Dawg!, which serves up bomb veggie dogs you won’t find at any hot dog cart: pickled pineapple, mustard-seed kraut and cashew mayo, to name a few.
4. Your coworker probably isn’t funny
Inevitable, the person who fancies themselves the office comedian will try to make a toast, or an inappropriate comment about a coworker or, dog help you, an “edgy” joke about current events, and no amount of booze will undo the awkward. Instead of that, we’re bringing you Jo Firestone, bona fide actual funny person, who is taking time off from holding the smash hit Punderdome and her million other wonderfully weird shows to host our party.
5. Get as drunk as you want
Sure your boss might open a tab for you at the office party, but this is like some weird office version of the unwinnable Kobayashi Maru where you have to prove that you’re down enough to have a drink but not a free booze-guzzling monster (which you probably are, your boss just doesn’t need to know that). Meanwhile, at the No Office party, you can get as drunk as you want! And rest assured that you won’t be the drunkest person in the room (unless the whole staff of Brokelyn suddenly explodes).
6. Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it
But a kiss can be even deadlier, if you mean it and/or accidentally do it with a coworker who is married (as evidenced by the very real PR email pitch I received in the image above).
7. We’ve got Christmas bonuses
The economy is still in the dumper so be careful about getting your hopes up for a Christmas bonus lest you end up all Clark Griswold. The No Office party is keeping up our tradition of offering prizes to help you knock a few gifts including show tickets and a ski package! Plus, our sponsor Car2Go will be on hand to give out free rides, in case you’ve got lots of packages you need to deliver (or just want to go to Fairway).
8. You’ll go nuts for our performers
I’m not saying your real office party won’t have some skin, but I can guarantee the skin showed at our party will not involve a trip to HR the next day. We’re having a performance by the Love Show Dancers from the Nutcracker: Rated R!
9. You can dance like no one’s watching
Well, you can dance like your boss isn’t watching at least. DJ Brian Blackout will be spinning tunes all night long to put the musical stuffers in your stockings.
10. Who needs an office anyway?
As Dave wrote about in the NEW YORK TIMES last year, why do we capitulate so easily to 9 to 5 office culture, the rattiest and most boring part of the rat race? Let’s be the generation to change office culture for good, and make holiday parties a celebration of how we do work better than our parents’ generation did.