Happy 2015, y’all, and welcome back to the polar vortex. With the weather being what it is, and rent prices being what they are, there’s no use denying it: it’s time to start drinking. Wait, I mean thinking—about your next move, that is! Awkward segues aside, this week’s apartments are anything but cringeworthy. What they lack in amenities they make up for in a money ease. Okay, I know I said I was finished with awkward segues. But we found you a place that comes pre-furnished, so lay off. Everything’s business as usual cost-wise, with wallet-friendly rent prices that won’t make you regret all those dollars you spent over the holidays. On Flatbush! On Bed-Stuy! On Dyker and Ditmas!
The double-entendre in this week’s edition title is dedicated to the above 2-bedroom apartment in Bensonhurst. Because while it seems to land you off the last stop on the D line, it’s also $1,300 for a fucking two-bedroom. And look at that canary yellow! Almost takes you back to the days of apartment hunt yore in 2014, when all that mattered to us was the paint job. Sigh. Anyway, we’re told this place has a living room and eat-in kitchen, too. Can’t beat that price. Hopefully the broker can be a little more specific about the address, since the listing’s zip code doesn’t exactly match its map icon.
Holy cannoli, another 2-cheap-2-be-true 2-bedroom for $1,300! Alright, it’s probably because they’re using same broker. Thank goodness this one claims those key amenities, too—eat-in kitchen and a separate living room. We’re pretty sure it’s a similar trade-off locationwise. May be just the slightest bit closer in than the above, what with its Bay Ridge zip code? Eh, we think you should call the broker to get the exact addresses on these places. Make a day of seeing the above apartment as well, and then compare notes. One of ’em’s gotta be worth the trek.
We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this furnished (!!!) two-bedroom apartment in Bedford-Stuyvesant for $1,700. If you’re as shocked as I am that this unit, sitting pretty in a pre-war building, already has everything you need in order to start calling it home, then make sure to set up a visit quick. Caveat: the whole shebang is also listed here, weirdly in way more detail than that first link—for some reason the apartment is posted in two separate listings—but it’s also $100/month more expensive and using a different realtor. In one listing, electric is included, and in the second one, it isn’t. Proceed with caution. At least we can definitely locate this one for you! Between the Myrtle-Willoughby G and the Myrtle J/M/Z.
Alright, last two-bedroom before we get to the hot and crusty 4-bedroom digs. This one clocks in as our priciest of the week’s bunch, but that’s probably because when we say “far out” for this one, we only mean it in the good way. For $1,950, you and a roomie get to settle down into prime Bed-Stuy border territory—in fact, you’d even land yourself next door to some pretty celebrity Brokelyn staffers (we’re not telling you which ones). For now, just enjoy the listing’s Pee Wee-esque invite “come live and play” in your new home. Off the A/C, either at Franklin or Nostrand.
Farther along the same train line, you can find yourself in this cheapo four-bedroom two-bathroom on Patchen Av. for $2,900 with no broker’s fee. Hey, yeah! King-size bedrooms? Enormous bathrooms? Neat, count us in. As long as it’s all true, that is. In Bed-Stuy, off the Utica Av A/C.
Our “Best in Show” award definitely goes to this 4-bedroom apartment in Flatbush/Ditmas for $2,400. The price is right, but also Holy Blinds, Batman! We can’t get over these gorgeous listing photos. Dat natural light, doe.This place features a “living room for entertaining,” so you can practice your standup act while your roommates are busy moving into their full-size bedrooms! Also has a dishwasher, so you won’t need to practice for the side-job you’ll need to support your standup act. Off the Q, 2 and 5 trains at Beverly.
Another no-fee four bedroom! This one’s at the Southern tip of Prospect-Lefferts, right next to the park for $2,950. Stainless appliances we’ll bet you can see your face in. Also loving the mention of an onsite super, especially as the winter months take us into “oh my god my heat is off, somebody help” town. Off the Parkside Q train.
That’s it for clinically sane apartment posts—but before close off for today, there’s an honorable mention to be given. While we’re not sure exactly what’s going on here, the $1,800 price tag on a 4-bedroom in Dyker Heights was enough to grab our attention. It’s the amenities (or lack thereof) that give us pause: like, supposedly there’s no refrigerator. But what’s that one doing in the photo?! Only “one stove,” in case you thought you’d be getting more. One amenity is the entire phrase “and if the tenant buys it they can have a washer and drier.” Apparently utilities aren’t included, which could be bad news bears with the winter chill. But if you’re tickled by the rest of it, take the D down to 71st street.
Happy hunting, and stay warm out there.