You might think all your clever tweets about “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck!” have been going unheard, but it turns out that the corporate giant/house of organic food has been reading them, and is a little hurt. So, they’re going to pivot just a bit and start a whole new chain that combines Whole Food choices with bodega prices in an attempt to appeal to lousy Millennials. It always comes back to Millennials…
Details are sketchy at the moment on just what these cheaper stores will offer, other than a press release that Whole Foods put out promising that broke shoppers like us will soon be treated to the same Whole Foods standards for organic food at cheaper prices. According to Fortune, the new Millennial-snaring chain will be reworking the Whole Foods ethos all the way down to a simpler store design, which presumably is being done in reaction to stoned young people freaking the fuck out in the normally overwhelming aisles of a Whole Foods Original.
With details beyond Whole Foods offering cheaper food that is somehow still organic and healthy, there’s plenty of room for speculation. Will this store still be more expensive than Fairway? Will it still have an expertly curated roster of ridiculous items that you can’t help laugh at/want to buy? Will they welcome weary travelers swimming by in polluted waters? Stores are supposed to be opening early next year, and while no name has been picked, you can be sure we’re running down to the patent office to file a trademark for Whole Bodega after this post goes up.