1. The Brooklyn Comedy Festival will try to warm up your winter with some laughs at their Winter Wonderland show, just make sure they don’t melt your literally icy heart and you die (Friday)
2. Union Hall is opening up their Muppet Vault to see what kinds of Christmas things are in there. Oh, what a surprise! It’s Muppets! (Friday)
3. Sketch group American Candy wants to remind you of the 90s and all the funny stuff that happened therein. In the world, not in your humiliating life (Friday)
4. Mike Tyson will be in Bed-Stuy signing his autobiography, and if you ask him about Punch Out! instead of what it was like to be boxing’s last major celebrity, we will come there and punch you (Friday)
5. Off With Their Heads! Is both the rallying cry of the revolutionary and an awesome punk band from Minnesota who you should see play at the Knitting Factory (Friday)
6. Our No Office Party DJ, Brian Blackout, is spinning some of the best dance jams of the aughts in Williamsburg, so if you have fun Thursday go see him Friday! (Friday)
7. MoCADA is hosting a DIY festival, because why buy something at Target when you could support local business? (Saturday)
8. See The Nutcracker performed in Cobble Hill, instead of going all the way to Manhattan for it (Saturday)
9. DJ Rekha, who helped introduce M.I.A. to America, is spinning at a crazy-sounding dance party at BRIC, so go see her, dance and say “Thank you” (Saturday)
10. See art from some of the best female tattoo artists in America at Hail, Mary. And then pray you can afford to get them to work on you, because you know you’ll want it (Saturday)
11. Babeland is having a customer appreciation party where you could walk away with $150 worth of sex toys, and they don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice to other people, just to genitals (Saturday)
12. The Wild Yaks are bringing their skuzzy rock to Bushwick’s Cheap Storage, and they’re bringing Oberhofer along to help DJ, because that’s just the kind of guys they are (Saturday)
13. If you like garage rock, burritos and/or skeeball, check out Don Pedro’s on Saturday, where all of those will be in abundance (Saturday)
14. The Reverend Vince Anderson is stepping out of his normal spot at Union Pool to go to Brooklyn’s other Union place, Union Hall. Go and praise him (Saturday)
15. Bring some canned goods to Bed-Stuy Beer Works so they can give them to the less fortunate, and they can give you beer and mason jars (Saturday)
16. Brooklyn’s French-approved artisans are all getting together for a holiday market at the Invisible Dog, so go and buy a cute Christmas gift for the francophile in your life (Saturday and Sunday)
17. And don’t forget about Brooklyn’s other craft markets, which seem to number in the hundreds (Saturday and Sunday)
18. Wear your pajamas to WORD and watch a screening of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. What? That’s what the invitation says (Sunday)
19. The Aviator Figure Skating Club is competing in their annual holiday show, so see who can skate the best in all of Brooklyn, and then offer to buy them a hot chocolate. They’ll probably be cold (Sunday)
20. The Macauly Culkin Show purports to be a comedy show in memoriam of the deceased Home Alone star, and while the dead guy part isn’t true, having comedians like Wyatt Cenac and Emmy Blotnick is, so this should be good (Sunday)
21. Presentation Party Night will teach all you need to know about things like how to make cheese and the horrible crimes of Walt Disney. Which, when you think about it, is all you need to know in life, really (Sunday)
22. The Moon is celebrating the coming Winter Solstice with songs from the likes of Dave Hill and the Gregory Brothers, free comics and free tequila from Herradura. Free tequila? We wish winter came every year! (Sunday)