The F train is Brokelyn’s advice column for all you sensual New Yorkers who, like the F train, often have schedule changes in how frequently you come, struggle to get into the station or suffer from any other number of delays and track work. Think of this like the MTA Twitter but instead of public transit info we answer sex queries – send yours to tips@brokelyn.com and let us know what neighborhood you’re in so we can make a sex pun out of it.
Dear F Train,
I recently started seeing a guy that I met in my neighborhood (PLG), we went on a lovely fun-filled date, and have had more casual “hang outs” where we just met to “Netflix & Chill”. The sex was great, we share a good amount of common interests, and even deeper, meaningful conversations.
But the reality is that he works 7 days a week, doesn’t seem to have any more time for fun dates, and I do want a real relationship with someone who’s available outside of the bedroom (as well as in). And while he is pretty good at communicating daily – texting daily and calling every few days – he apologizes for not being more available but let me know why he’s working so hard right now. However, the more I get to know him I think there’s a lot of emotional baggage / spiritual debt he’s carrying from past relationships. Feel like I should just move on and break it off, because it’s not ideal – but second guessing myself because I haven’t had a relationship in 5 years (and good sex like this in about 2 years) and not sure if it’s just me dismissing people too quickly because they weren’t “perfect” enough.
Does a real woman help a man through his shit, or just move on because I am a queen and deserve better?
Please Advise,
Romantic at Heart in Prospect Lefferts Gardens
Dear Romantic at Heart,
I honestly wish there were more pop songs written about this conundrum. This is so way more relatable than any song written about T-Swift and Harry Styles. (Granted, that album is catchy as fuck.) But I truly think everyone has been in the “Do we settle?” situation at least once in their lives. That is basically what you are asking me (and yourself). Do you settle for this dude seeing as he is in the same neighborhood (which is clutch in NYC: Red Hook to Bushwick can easily turn into a long distance relationship), have had some good convos, and because it’s been five years since your last relationship?
Short answer: No.
Long answer: Why are we so quick to add “time” as a reason to stay with someone new who is not ideal? It bugs you. You wouldn’t have added that to your original question if it didn’t. In your defense, it bugs us all. Particularly women. Cause of the patriarchy, obvi. And well, for so many other reasons: your friends have partners, your parents constantly ask your relationship status, magazine horoscopes judge us, what the media tells us (ha, that bitch ain’t ever right). Time is an asshole. It has a way of making us feel like we are constantly failing. If time can drudge along without a hiccup, then why can’t we?
Because we aren’t fucking clock. So let’s stop blaming ourselves for our inability to make things happen in a timely fashion that is based on too many outside factors. You cannot control how or when you are going to meet your next long term relationship. Sure, you can get on Tinder, OK Cupid, Match.com, e-harmony, hang out in bars, run in a 10k practice group, but it happens when it happens and we, type-A New Yorkers, have to succumb to the fact that not all things can be micro-managed.
You made yourself available, you did your part and look, this guy entered your life and you had some fun. But you haven’t even hit the mark where you “define” what this relationship is with your new guy and you are already having reservations. That’s not good.
Let’s not forget that time is actually our friend. It’s that blunt betch that tells you like it is and they leave you like, “Well jeez, harsh much.” But then five minutes later you’re all like, “You right. You right.”
Time forces you to confront your fears and insecurities about all your life choices. Sometimes it works out fine and sometimes it blows. These five years have given you clarity, haven’t they? You know you want someone who is available outside the bedroom as well as in. That may feel like a no-brainer to you, but most people couldn’t even tell you what they want to watch on Netflix tonight.
If this guy cannot be that for you, end it. Why regress to appease a man that can’t be there for you physically and emotionally? Literally the two main things you want. This isn’t 1955. You aren’t his mother or caregiver, that notion of a “real woman” is dead. There’s too many people in NYC to fucking settle. You said more negative things about him than redeeming qualities. That doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy. but a good person can go bad when they haven’t figured out the basics. It’s like that yellow pepper in your fridge: It’s great for you when it’s ripe and sautéed (or however you like to eat your veggies), it will give you the shits if you eat it two weeks after its prime.
We are allowed our fair share of emotional baggage, but you shouldn’t have to ask yourself if you should “help him through his shit.” It’s one thing to help someone move after a break-up, it’s a whole new ballgame when you become a constant sounding board for their problems, and you’re having sex with them. That shit gets messy. You don’t want mess. Don’t clean up his mess.
He’s just not on your level right now. Cut yourself loose. You aren’t in the business of fixing people. That job sounds fucking awful. Go out today and enjoy this gorgeous weather, soak up some vitamin D and put yourself first, ALWAYS.
XO,
The F Train
This post has been updated, originally published in 2017.