Crown Brooklyn’s smallest penis, and 22 other things to do this weekend

1. Brooklyn Art Library brings you free art and free wine. Libraries of the world, take note. (Friday)

2. You’re fearless and frugal, so get a Friday the 13th deal on that black cat tattoo at one of these tattoo parlors. (Friday)

3. It could be nice to spend your Friday at an opera instead of a bar for once. Luckily, Opera on Tap lets beerless opera remain a horrible theory. (Friday)

4. If you’re looking for a way to tell that special but clueless someone to work on their technique, just say you totally thought Babeland happy hour was a dive bar special. (Friday)

5. Omary Souleyman brings Syrian folk-pop to Glasslands. (Friday)

6. The Music Video Makeout Party moves to a new home at Alaska and kicks things off at their new home with a videos about sex, drugs and violence. Celebrate at least two of the three with them. (Friday)

7. Jons Glaser and H. Benjamin, Michael Che and other NYC comedy fixtures will perform at The Bell House in support of standup movie A Night At Whiplash. (Friday)

8. Jews and Reviews are taking a look at summer camp movies for their latest clip show at Videology, so you now there’s like a 90% chance for some Wet Hot American Summer action. (Friday)

9. Even if you don’t have a badge, there’s plenty to do at the Northside Festival. (Friday-Sunday)

10. Painters, collagists, quilters, and photographers come to Robert Fulton Park for the 56th Fulton Art Fair. (Saturday)

11. Remember why you were always so jealous of the Huxtables at a Forgotten NY tour of Brooklyn Heights. (Saturday)

12. The Vegan Shop-Up at Pine Box Rock Shop brings you all the foods you never thought could come in vegan form. (Saturday)

13. You love any wine really (no shame in that), but there’s some extra pride in celebrating New York wines, by drinking them of course, like you can do at 61 Local (Saturday)

14. Seasoned background singer Karen Bernod steps forth to own the spotlight at Brooklyn Pride. (Saturday)

15. Don’t worry, the Brooklyn Twilight Pride Parade isn’t a giant sea of deranged vampire-loving tweens (we hope).  (Saturday)

16. This weekend, Brooklyn’s less-endowed men shall rise at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant. (Saturday)

17. Red Jacket Orchards gives you tips on how to spike their juice at this cocktail tasting. (Saturday)

18. Discuss the evolution of Haitian dance at this panel discussion, then practice a step or two. (Saturday)

19. Rooftop Films has some shorts to remind you why love sucks, just in case you’d forgotten. (Saturday)

20. We could all use a hug, so claim yours at hug-based interactive art exhibit youholdme. (Sunday)

21. Make Sunday a fun day with coffee, snacks, and queer sex tips at Babeland’s Brooklyn Pride Hangover Brunch. (Sunday)

22. The World’s Biggest Jerkoff 2 isn’t what you think. It’s two hours where you can put all the jerked meat you’d like in your mouth. Wait no, we mean beef jerky. All the beef jerky you can eat. (Sunday)

23. The Way Station is showing and reading from The Princess Bride, which is an inconceivably good time. You know, we think maybe that word does not mean what we think it means. (Sunday)